You just cannot deal with a W who is in an affair--in the same fashion that you would deal with a W who is not in an affair. It is like comparing two completely different problems! You have to deal with a W in an A completely different than other troubled realtionships.
I think you feel powerless and think you can talk around the problem. I don't believe talk is going to work.
Yup Sandi, I try to put Infideilty with these sorts of problems :
Compulsive Gambling Alcoholism Drug Addiction Criminal behaviour Sociopathic/Borderline P behaviours Infidelity
These above are illnesses that require specialized treatment and a specaliized skill set - a traditional IC or FT is not equipped to deal with these. You cannot deal with them as PART of the marriage. These problems above must be dealt with FIRST before a marriage can safely be reconcilled and work done to repair the marriage itself.
You can try to negotiate with her, but infidelity is awfully addictive and I haven't seen that approach have much if any success.
Infidelity and other addictions or destructive behaviours need to be directly addressed and treated... you can try talking, but most often she's just going to do the following :
1. Tell you she's confused and try to keep the affair going as long as she can 2. Lie when you catch her and get fed up 3. Make a commitment to you and then fall back to the affair again 4. Sneak around until you catch her again 5. Tell you she's confused... (go back to step 1)
You can try to reason with an addict, but there aren't many documented cases of much success there... particularly that last long term.
If your wife is still confused about what love even MEANS then you need to address THAT. Your wife thinks love is excitement rather than active commitment. She's been watching too many movies...
