Not sure what to do

[Young at Heart]

....In my M we have gone through some real low periods, (especially through the years of rearing young children - they leave one little time for intimacy and take up much of one's energy. I felt all cuddled out most of the time and couldn't face being cuddled by the time the kids were in bed - what I wanted was SPACE).

...My H .....had no idea about keeping the excitement going for me between periods when he wanted to ML. Now he knows that that needs to be done or I' go cold'.....and that going cold can last for months.

Thank you for sharing in this forum.

I would appreciate it if you could pass along what your husband does to keep the excitement going for you between sessions of ML?

I have heard something similar to the "needs space" comment from my wife in the past. She has told me that at certain times, if she ignores me, it is not that she doesn't love me or value me, it is that at certain times she just needs space and time for herself to unwind and come down from everything that happened to her during the day.

My wife and I are busy professionals and have limited free time.

Based on Chapman's five languages of love, she is also a quality time and acts of devotion person. At times in the past, I need to connect with her and do things around the house (that she didn't want to do) for her to feel loved enough to be sexual with me.

On top of this she has a work-day night-time ritual of reading in bed for half an hour to relax to the point she can go to sleep. After the reading it is lights out and NO talking or she has a hard time going to sleep!

With both of us leaving for work at the same time early in the morning and not getting home until about 7:30 PM, cooking, then eating dinner, and my doing other chores and stuff after dinner, with her going up to start her half-hour read by 9PM and lights out at 9:30 PM; scheduling sex, let alone connecting enough for her to be interested in sex was almost impossible during the week. For decades that left sex to once on the weekends and that wasn't enough for me.

Things have changed recently for the better, but I am trying to avoid backsliding to old habits for both of us.

I now get up first thing in the morning and bring her a cup of coffee. We touch and talk (quality time) while we drink the coffee in the morning in bed together. We talk and connect (quality time) at dinner at night. If I get home early (do a quick gym workout) or don't watch any TV to wind down at night, I can get my chores done early enough to go up to read next to her until it is time to sleep. She finds this as something that make it seem like we are closer...and ocasionally leads to sex during a weekday night! She is finding that sexual release can also help with sleep almost as much as reading!!!!!!!

Scheduling 45 minute to 1.5 hour blocks of time for connecting, foreplay and then sexual intercourse three times a week is pretty challenging! I now much better understand how impossible it was when we had small children and next to impossible prior to our children growing up and leaving home. My heart goes out to married couples with small children.

Again, I would appreciate your insights into how you & your husband learned to how to keep you at the emotional/sexual boiling point between sessions?

Thanks