An addict cannot rely on love or patience from another person to break free from the addiction. In your case, I am not sure IC is enough as your addiction is decades old and very, very powerful. IMO you need in patient treatment of some kind and you need it right now if you hope to break free of this addiction.
Your W should not have to accept you have an addiction. If you get well, she will have to accept you are a recovering addict but you are not even close to that stage yet.
You are asking your W to accept you as an active addict and that is too much to ask. If you did not have this particular addiction then looking at an attractive waitress for 3 seconds would be rude. Because you *do* have this addiction there is more than just "sneaking a peak" at an attractive women.
Everything you do, you do as an addict. This addiction has taken over your life for decades, it has caused you to have outlandish expectations about women and their bodies. It has created a huge wedge between you and reality in every sense.
So, no, your W's love will not be enough until you have gotten the appropriate treatment for the addiction.
You are being terribly unfair to constantly suggest your W overreacts. An addiction in a marriage has a terrible effect on all parties involved. Your W will need treatment as well.
IMO, until this addiction is addressed full on there is no way for you and your W to rebuild any sort of R. There may be good moments but the foundation you need to really work on the M won't be there as long as your addiction still has so much power over you.
You are trying to put rebuilding steps in action and push an awful lot on your W when in fact, she has the draining task of living with an addict. You both need help with that.
An addiction that is three decades old has taken over your life. That has to be "job 1" before anything else can happen. And it will take a LONG time for your W to even think about believing you are on the right path. As they say, if the lips of an addict are moving, they are usually not telling the truth.
It's easy for me to see why you don't find your W attractive. As I said, you have an unreal expectation of what sex and the female body should be and somewhere deep down you know how disgusted she is by your addiction. Until your addiction is addressed all of that will hang over your R like a black cloud. Changing houses won't fix a thing.
If you do go to an intensive treatment program you can ask your W to support you but don't push any sort of acceptance on her as you are now. IMO the reason you "feel" love for your W at times when you are having sex with her is that is when you feel accepted by her. Once the sex is over the acceptance diminishes and you need more acceptance so you turn to what you know to feel okay.
