Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Well it seems like many people are updating there sitchs after the holiday weekend so I guess I'll do the same.

Like many people on this board, the holiday was difficult for me a couple of times. I was proud of myself that I was able to recognize my feeling the slightest bit depressed or anxious. I recognized the signs and snapped myself out of it quickly. I didn't allow myself to go there and went out and did some fun things for me. Saturday I went to the gym, walked my dogs and hung out with friends. Sunday I went to church, walked the dogs, played golf, and had a nice Easter dinner with my family. The weather was beautiful this weekend. I was so happy to see my own changes. In the past I would have stayed in and felt sorry for myself. I would have allowed the depression and anxiety to control me. Not anymore!

I had a real nice conversation with another one of my neighbors last week. He is a counselor and we talked for over an hour. I told him what was going on and that W and I were separated. Told him everything. Felt good to talk to another person about it. He listened and gave me some positive feedback. He said that the changes I have made in my life just in the past 5 months are outstanding. He said many people don't get to that point that fast. This made me feel good. He even said that he can see that I seem to be such a different person (in a good way) from just a few months ago. I have had so many people tell me that lately, that they have seen a huge improvement in me. One of the people at my real estate office said the same thing to me last week too. I am so surprised to hear that. I didn't think I was so outwardly troubled for others to see. It's nice that others notice my positive changes, makes me feel like my changes are real after all. If people other than my W can see the big difference in me, then I must be improving as I would have no reason to "act" as this new improved person to strangers. Well not strangers but people that aren't my W, you know what I mean. I can't tell you how good this made me feel. Their comments validated to me that I am making positive changes. My neighbor couldn't believe he was talking to the same person. He said to give my W some time. I told him that at the beginning my W wanted C for us to bring closure and that I want it for reconciliation. Told him she said no for reconciliation. Told him that recently when I asked she didn't say anything. He said that hopefully one day she might say "maybe". I could handle that.

I see my W just about everyday at the gym. She was there Saturday too. I don't go anywhere near her. I do enjoy my workouts though and due to our work schedules we are usually at the gym at the same time. Her and I being there at the same time hasn't stopped her from going. I'm glad about that. I want her to continue to go for herself. She looks great by the way.

I continue to work hard with my jobs. I've really been putting a lot of time back in to my real estate job. I was asked to work last Friday night to cover for someone. I jumped at the chance. I can't remember the last time I would have volunteered to work on a Friday night. I'm picking up all of the available office time that needs to be covered this month...nights, weekends, anytime I can. It's been paying off too. I have new clients that I picked up as a result of me working these extra hours at the real estate office. My work ethic has changed so much for the positive. It's amazing how my work ethic has returned now that I'm not suffering from the depression anymore.

Haven't talked to my W since last Tuesday. That was the night that she admitted to me that she has seen consistent changes in me for the past two weeks. Unfortunately I did confirm today that she did remove me from her health insurance. I didn't even allow that to bother me today. I'm not going to mention it to her again. It would make me seem weak and needy, that I need her to take care of me. Not anymore, I can take care of myself now. I am disappointed that she did remove me from the health insurance. Seems like such a cold thing to do. Her explanation last Tuesday was that she wasn't sure if I would pay her for my half of the insurance. She said that I was very inconsistent for the past few months. That's when she told me that she has seen consistent changes in me for the past couple of weeks. I'd much rather take her telling me she has seen my changes, over being on her health insurance. The insurance means very little to me, my M means everything to me.

You know, I was going to post today about how I have thought about my feeling upset that I am going through this. That I was upset that I needed to show my W my consistent changes. That I felt like she should have been stronger and stayed to work on the M, etc. Then I realized that all of these thoughts are self pity. That I was thinking poor me and how this is so unfair. Well, yes, I could sit here and look at it this way or I can decide not put my time into those unproductive thoughts and continue to be proactive with my life. I will continue to take the proactive approach. The self pity way was the old me. Wow, maybe I am really changing for the better. Feels so good to be in control of myself again and not allow the depression and anxiety to be in control. Like I said in a previous post, I like my life so much more now that I have made these changes/improvements for myself. The icing on the cake would be to have my W back with me to enjoy this life. Time will tell..

W emailed me this morning about getting the carpets in the house cleaned. This was one of the tasks that I asked her last week if she could help me with. I'm glad that she is taking this on. Anyway, she is having a difficult time getting in contact with the carpet cleaners and asked me if I could try their number as she was getting a weird voice message when she called. Sure, I will call and get back to her later today. Trying to keep things friendly and build on the positive. She began the email greeting with my name and signed it "thanks, W". Sometimes she wouldn't address me by name or sign her emails. Don't know if I read too much into that but I'm keeping my eyes open for the small positives.

So all in all, a pretty good update to report. Not a lot of interaction with W for the past few days. I didn't email, call, text her to wish her happy Eatser. Nothing from her either but that's ok. I'm still doing well with not pursuing, contacting her. I continue to leave her alone and respect her space. What I took most out of the past few days was the interaction with people telling me how much of an improvement they have seen in me. That was wonderful to hear. Makes me feel hopeful that if they can see it, maybe my W will continue to see it.

Thanks for listening.