Good for you , but proceed cautiously. Your husband will have to go through his grieving process over the end of the affair. It is natural and something he will have to go through. I will also warn you the OW will go through the same thing....so she may pop up again.
This happened in my situation. About six months in to me knowing of the affair, my wife and I were getting close again and my wife broke things off with the OP. I ended up taking my kids on an already planned vacation with my parents for a week. While we were away (during which my wife called everyday)the OP swooped back in. Of course when I arrived home to find week old dishes and food in the frig....I knew what had happened. Thank to this board I was prepared for it, but we ended up stepping back from being friends to barely talking again.
Yes listen to LFW because at this point you are the bandaid. He is looking for another fix and you are now the OW. Not to say that this is bad. You can use it to your advantage. Just be very cautious and go slow. No matter what the ending is, you are still in the middle of the movie!
Thank you Jasmine, TF, LFW & OP & SCH, I have a feeling that I will need your advice more then ever.
LFW - I've already experienced one "It's over with OW" speech. When WH first came back in November I heard the same words. I took him back right away. The problem was that he only came back home because OW wouldn't leave her H (I didn't know that at the time). Went into deep depression (withdrawal), wouldn't work on our M, there was continuous contact with OW (kept lying about it). He was home but he was just waiting for her to decide to leave her family. That happened in January and that's when he left for the second time.
That was a horrible time for me, the way he treated me, the constant walking on eggshells, the continuing lies.... I already went through that....never again. That's why I'm so careful now.
However the way he talks now fells very much different. Him regretting the affair, facing what he has done, willing to work on the M by self-help books and IC & MC... those are positive signs and quite opposite to the way he behaved when came back the first time.
OP - I see your point. He may still be in the tunnel and looking for another "fix" or he may be coming out slowly. I will remain very cautious.
Last edited by Mila; 04/05/1004:12 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SCH - From what I'm reading the withdrawal part is normal even when they both agree to end it. To me this affair has "ran its course" (I hope). It started in secret (6 months) when it was exposed there was lots of uncertainty between the 2 of them (3months), then they took the plunge and left their spouses and finally got what they wanted and that's when the reality hit (3 months) and now they both want to come home to their families. So I'm really hoping that this is it. We will see....caution remains.
Last edited by Mila; 04/05/1005:19 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I am not saying that I am wrong or right. You just don't know. I think for the moment you are fine just take it slow with zero expectations and mirror his actions. Act "as if" nothing has changed, which is what you seem to be doing. Believe actions not words.
It is just the point that there is OW Withdrawl which is not neccesarily the same as MLC withdrawl.
OH right or wrong, Pilots advice to be CAUTIOUS is wise.
I used to and still do have a saying.
Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me. ... Fool me a hundred times, and I a F-ing LBS DBing idiot.
Caution should be your watchword.
He wants you to trust him, then he should expect and WANT to prove it. And that is YOUR timeline NOT one HE thinks he should be. Do not go gently or easily into trusting him again, be willing to, if deserved, but go slow.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
OP & Jack I'm thinking along the the same lines as you are. I'm in total agreement with you. I want him to prove himself to me, to prove his love for me in actions not in words. And I'm not sweeping the affair "under the rug" - sort of speak. I need to talk about it and about him until I'm satisfied. His willingness to talk will tell me a lot about where he is in his head.
Now it will be on my terms. I finally got to the point of moving forward after months of paralyzing agony and I'm not letting him rattle me again. I'm standing firm and waiting what will happen.
I will work on my part as well, I know that I have to guide him and encourage him...and I need to continue working on myself.
Wish us luck, we will need it
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
