Need some advice with WAH

[Swiss Miss]

(I posted this in Newcomers but after reading this forum I think I should re-post it here)

My husband has been having an EA since August and it’s now been verified as a PA. He was an incredibly negative person and being away from him has been wonderful for me, but he is a great father and I have a hard time giving up on my son’s family. We’ve been separated for three months. He gave me the WAS script, and things were incredibly bad between us when he left.

LRT has worked wonders. He told me I’ve been looking “phenomenal” and really seems to enjoy talking to me. He finds excuses to text me about our son and perpetuates it into other subjects, and the other day even texted me something cute my son did and said how it reminded him of me, etc. He’s also been referring to this as a separation instead of the divorce it used to be. And after a family member of mine saw him and OW kissing in a hotel parking lot this weekend, he expressed some doubts about D and doesn’t want to rush into it. I told him I’d make some man very happy and he said maybe it would be him someday. This is the first verbal doubting I've heard.

I’m only LRTing to keep my options open, and the confirmation of a PA after he’s been lying that they’re “just friends” has made it almost impossible to think of going back to him. And I just found out that he and our son spent a day with her and her children while I was out of state this weekend. This is from a man who’s been really good with our son other than this. My son thinks she’s just a friend of his dad’s, but he’s almost nine and pretty smart. He told me out of the blue and luckily I managed to have no visible reaction. When I spoke to H about how irresponsible I think this was since our son could figure out they’re more than friends, he eventually saw what I meant and was totally apologetic and actually thanked me for having our son’s, and H's, best interests at heart. He is usually so defensive that it has been difficult for him to ever acknowledge I have a valid complaint about anything he did.

I don’t understand how H can be in this deep with her and act this way towards me at the same time. I told him that I wanted to start the D rolling after I found out about the PA. That’s when he expressed reservations. Today he’s called me two or three times and arranged to meet me about “housekeeping” issues, most of which was not that important.

When I picked up our son this morning H’s head was literally hanging and he looked completely ashamed of himself, it was the first time I’ve seen him since the PA revelation and when I met him for the housekeeping issue, he tried to seem confident but his hand was shaking (was trying to hide his nervousness but I could see it). I’ve been neutral towards him, we did have a bit of an R talk after I found out he’s sleeping with her and he actually wanted to continue it at a later time. He’s a man who actually likes to talk about feelings.

Any advice or insights? I do want a D but doing that means I have very little say over what my son does when he’s not with me. I do still love H in a way but I would rather not be with him. Feelings do change, though. I kind of wonder if he thinks he doesn’t have a chance anymore, but we were getting along better and I was being really friendly to him and he still met with her this weekend (she doesn’t live here but visits family every couple of months or so, it seems).

But pulling away seems to be working. I told him a month ago after he misled me into switching days keeping our son so he could meet her that I was now onboard with the D which is when he stopped talking about D. He also knows I’m fully prepared to find a new man, and is kind of taken aback by my newly developed confidence, so maybe he thought he’d just keep me in his back pocket as an option? I do feel badly for him if he does want to get back together, how horrifying to cause this much of a mess (everyone knows about the EA), cause this much pain to your W and son, and then regret it and have to live with the consequences.

Minor update: since I found out a week ago about the PA he has done everything he can to keep me happy and has been exceedingly agreeable. I haven't acknowledged his "maybe we can be together" comments or D again so he has no idea what I'm thinking. I've also been civil but my old friendliness has disappeared. I find it impossible to "banter" with my husband who's sleeping with another woman. He did tell me they're "friends first" and have no long-term plans when I asked if they're planning to be together after I found out they took their kids out together.