We talked on the phone last night. He is thinking more about my sitch now. He is making more sense. He says he wants to find a way to come back here, and he has some realistic ideas on how to do that.
I'm trying to keep my expectations low for now.
I didn't agree to see him today, too last minute, we already had plans and I don't want him regressing to coming and going whenever. I want him to work at it a bit. He's traveling all week on business, so hopefully that will give him some more time to think, we'll see.
Patience girl....don't read into it. Did you call him or did he call you? Maybe he felt pressured to tell you who he was with?
I would think that the perusing has to come from him, just follow his lead....don't ask for more then he can give right now. Look at the big picture. Are you seeing any baby steps in the right direction? If your answer is yes, then there is hope that he is slowly crawling out.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Dear DB friends, please please tell me what you make of this
1) I asked him how lunch was, but not who lunch was with, and he didn't say. I'm sure it was a girl.
2) We met up, along with D, to get her a new computer, he bought her one just like that.
3) Then he wanted to go to his place, but I was nervous, and he started getting frustrated. I did not validate all his new life choices (because I hate that he has a place to create a new life for himself) and he didn't like that. By an hour later I had not joyfully reunited with him and he was getting angry. Next 2 hours he spoke almost totally through our D (D, tell your Mom; D, look at this; D, what do you think of... and so on).
4) In the end we did talk more, he says he wants to date with an eye towards reconciling. He also said that once he finished decorating his apartment he had the landlord over who now wants to sell it (shows nice, lol) so I guess he's feeling like he's going to have to start all over again finding a new place to live, decorating it to suit, etc etc.
5) Said lots of girls want to date him, but it is just not meaningful, they just want him for his money/position/car (that sort of idea anyways). It's not a meaningful life. All I can think of is, how many girls was he with? How do you forgive not just one PA with an OW, but multiple multiple PAs with girls 10-15 years younger? If someone could open the door to doing that now, what's to stop them from doing it whenever they want? I know he considers himself "single" right now, so that justifies it, but can you really just have a "time-out" in the middle of a marriage and consider it OK? I sure bet he wouldn't be here today if I had "timed-out" to be with multiple OM, yikes! What makes him think that is OK???
6) I fear that he just wants to string me along for 2-3 years now, which will neutralize my support/custoday/alimony situation and leave me virtually on my own to support myself for the next 20 years while he goes on to be rich (hard to explain).
7) On the other hand, talking to him feels like talking to my H, and we have a lot in common, and a lot of history, and he is asking to be with me now, and if I don't try then it really will be over.
8) He still has a fair bit of the MLC going on, he is quick to anger, sees things mostly his way, and feels like he should not be tasked to do any childcare or go anywhere that doesn't agree with his new outlook on life. I also have some trouble seeing him give up the allure of his city, in which he does quite well, to live with us elsewhere for a long time.
9) On the other hand, I did read somewhere that the vast majority of marriages that were headed to divorce but didn't go there, they tend to be pretty happy in 5 years time (assuming you can get there, yikes!).
we get along great when it's just the 2 of us. We've done tons of travelling. The problems come up with running a house and living together. He always wants my full attention,
Originally Posted By: SecondChance
The place where he is living is the exact same building as where we lived when we first got married. Said he went back there because he remembers it being a happy time for him. But I'm not sure he means the marriage!!
Yes he is back there because this is where you two were happy. Before you had children, when you could give him ALL of your attention.
He can’t deal with it any other way right now. And this fits right in to what Snodderly has told you about not completing transition periods.
Originally Posted By: SecondChance
We talked on the phone last night. He is thinking more about my sitch now. He is making more sense. He says he wants to find a way to come back here, and he has some realistic ideas on how to do that.
I'm trying to keep my expectations low for now.
Originally Posted By: SecondChance
I fear that he just wants to string me along for 2-3 years now, which will neutralize my support/custoday/alimony situation and leave me virtually on my own to support myself for the next 20 years while he goes on to be rich (hard to explain).
SC,
Your interactions didn’t go so well because you are still looking to your H for some real indication to come home. You are still trying to please him.
He has said he wants to do these things, but he is not taking action yet to do this…
So while the thought is on his mind, it is one that he hasn’t committed to yet…
Keep going on your path, doing what you need to do for you…
When his actions and words start to match up, then and only then would I really give any brain power to it…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
H put pictures on his wall of hiking trips we took 20 years ago (the one's without me in the picture). He put his pics of me under his bed. He's decorating ceramic pots. He's saying that living in an apartment is a temporary thing, how can people do this for a long time? He's now hanging out with his liberal minded cousins 15 years younger without kids. He's still in the market for designer furniture, but now only if he can get a "deal" on it.
