Don't know your story at all, I've read only this thread. STBXW seems to be hard set on a path of personal destruction. Her comments to you are filled with pain and self-loathing.
You seem to be doing pretty well with it, and have a good attitude. BUT, this is a bit arrogant: "This is something all the information I've acquired from experience of her in the past year has given me and, in a weird way, I'm grateful for it. Knowing it, I know that had I "succeeded" in busting the divorce during '09, I would have been the one who had grown and she would have still been "her" -- which would have simply been a recipe for another D-Day, IMO."
This is arrogant in that you assume you know her future, her strengths, her wishes, her capabilities when you assume your superiority. Now look, I think even from what I've read here that your assumptions aren't outlandish. But, they are assumptions all the same. The arrogance comes in with your apparent certainty and close-mindedness on the matter. WASs are often OOC. Your STBX certainly seems to be OOC. But NO ONE knows where she will be when she comes back to try to live a life she really wants. (And no, she doesn't want the life she has -- it is pretty apparent that she's hating herself pretty hard about it...) Anyway, WASs often surprise, often make incredible changes. It is because their selves are in such flux that they are all over the place to begin with. The flux sux. Then it stops. Who will she be on the other side. You don't know. She doesn't know.
Why bring this up? You are handling things pretty well. I certainly have no idea if your M can be saved or should be saved. But, what is pretty darn clear about you is this: You are not DONE.
People who are really done would not be having the interactions you are having with your W. Really. You are BOTH still all about each other to a fair degree. So, you aren't DONE, and she doesn't want a D.
My suggestion: drop the arrogance in favor of an open mind.
Maybe sooner or later you will both be in a place in which reconciliation is possible and a great M is possible. Maybe not. Just open your mind to that uncertainty.
I really like your Jeet Kune-Do comments!
And, I strongly agree that alot of DBers expend far too much energy on trying to DB. Personally, I think that really getting DB is detaching, understanding how detaching is necessary for intimacy, developing compassion, standing on your own two feet, dropping the drama, acceptance, and moving forward.
Keep up the Jeet Kune-Do. Martial Arts Detachment, lol, get MAD. And, find that open mind.
And, find that open mind.
