flowmom, I understand your exhaustion with waking up early and not eating like you should. I've done much of the same myself. My sleep has been affected by my separation, among other things, and I have not eaten well during our time apart. I also take a generic form of Zoloft (Sertraline) and a dextro-amphetamine for my ADD (which naturally suppresses appetite), so I have those working against me at times, too.
These things have affected my energy level, though I'm certainly not weak (like my grandmother's nutty boyfriend said). However, since I know these things about myself, I take a multivitamin every day. I also have a couple friends who check in with me to find out what I've eaten over the course of a day. I didn't ask them to do this, but I know the questions are coming. I make sure that I eat so that I have a report for them! I have had comments at my workplace about my weight, so I force myself to eat at times so that I don't have to endure further "skinny person" harassment.
On the other hand, sometimes nothing sounds good. I can't think of anything I'd possibly want to eat. Food commercials almost make me feel sick. My stomach growls and rumbles, but there's nothing in the world that I want to eat. I force myself to eat something (and sometimes it's something strange) just for the sake of eating.
Thinking of you, of course! If you were here where I live, people would try to force-feed you. It's part of the southern culture to try to make people eat something. My grandmother, for instance, wouldn't take NO for an answer. I've learned this the hard way. She may have called me "bag of bones" at one point today, and this was AFTER I'd eaten a plate of food and dessert.
I'm sorry you were sad today and also glad to hear of the self-care things you're doing.
Do you have an appt to see Dr. anytime soon to discuss the zoloft? I can't remember how long it's been- 2 or 3 weeks on it? But they should've told you to check in with them and maybe it's just not the one for you. I have the dubious distinction of having tried all the SSRIs and all other SNRIs, etc. out there. Well, you have to be good at something, right? Zoloft has been the best, least side effects one for me, but there are lots of other options out there- I don't know what dosage you're on, but depending on MD's philosophy, if they started high or something, it may be worth lowering it. You may know, but the lowest therapeutic dosage is 25mg but I think hardly anyone takes that little (I did til this damn S and D talk, then I doubled mine about 4 weeks ago- I think it's definitely keeping me more even keel); many people take much more. Anyway- ask about your options. I know how yucky it is to have side effects- that on top of depression (esp if it's affecting your sleep) is NOT what you need.
I hope your mood has lifted a bit tonight--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Juno, I'm only taking 20 mg a day of Zoloft. I'm going to see the Dr. ASAP. The sleep thing is not helping my mood at all. My sister also had the same problem with Zoloft, so I might try what worked for her last time, Celexa (fewest side effects). It's so hard to tell if I am experiencing any benefit from the Zoloft. Perhaps the last low was not quite as low?
Last night was brutal. I woke at 2 AM and lay sleepless the rest of the night. It's partly because I had coffee yesterday afternoon because I was so exhausted.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hope you managed to lift yourself out of your low! I found doing some thing always helped.. totally with you on the sleep front, Im a bear with a sore head when tired but when H was gone I couldnt sleep, kept waking up with the same old sick feeling for months, but it does settle along with all the other anxiety, mostly because as you get used to doing things on your own there is less to be anxious with..
I found exercise my best friend along with my two furry best friends! (())
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Can you point me to where you discussed your self-employment situation? or if you could easily summarize it I'm curious to hear about it.
I'm a professional biologist and I've been running my own consulting business for the past 15 years. My clients love my work, though it's been hard to keep going even part time since becoming a mother. Unfortunately, I've been plagued with chronic procrastination issues my whole life. That has impacted my earning potential and created a lot of misery for me. It also turned into a "dealbreaker" marriage issue for H. I likely have to seriously earn in my personal life if I wish to continue living in the only home that my children have ever known.
I am sorry. This is a dealbreaker for him? Wasn't he the one that opened his own business that failed and put you both into serious financial debt. Wasn't it a joint decision for you to stay at home and homeschool both children, esp. since your son has special needs?
This seems unreasonable in my opinion.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Flowmom, my sister and I also could never sleep well on Zoloft. I was on 25 mg and feel like I was awake the entire night. It was horrible. I could not stay on it.
As for working from home. I have found it very hard to work from home with children. I have 2 friends that work from home. One does daycare for her son and the other is losing her mind with on in school and the other still too young for school She has to get babysitters.
I do not think a mother of small kids can handle working from home unless there are babysitters, very hard, IMO.
How are your children adjusting to all of this?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Thanks for your posts June. Yes it was a joint decision to homeschool, but our communication around expectations of my working and earning an income has been unclear. I've always in theory wanted to work part-time, but in practice have at times worked quite a bit and at times not worked at all. It's possible that H always had the impression that I should be earning a significant income. And he definitely compares me to his firefighter buddies, many of whom have wives who earn more than they do. Not realistic in our sitch, but H is not one to recognize limitations in himself and others.
H's business didn't fail, but two years in a row he used our personal finances to fund business ventures that under-performed and contributed to huge financial stress. When we've been in financial crises H has freaked out and expected me to pull out all the stops to earn money even though in my field my contract work can be patchy, even moreso since I started working part-time.
Our kids are having a rough time. My three year old in particular is noticeably less happy and is far more aggressive and withdrawn, both in the family and with friends. S6 has also expressed atypical feelings "I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel sad all the time". They've been had nightmares for the first time too since the separation. I guess they could be doing worse, but I had a lot of worries before the separation and now it's a struggle to cope with my guilt over how this is affecting them.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have to remind myself how hope and hopelessness affect me. If I knew that in a year H and I would be reconciled, I'd be able to feel OK and make the best of my situation. That crystal ball knowledge wouldn't change anything about my actual reality, only my perception and my level of hope. So the obvious extension of that is that I CAN feel OK and make the best of my situation even though I don't have a crystal ball and even though reconciliation is unlikely. I have extremely negative projections about what live as a divorced mother looks like so I need to either not go there mentally or address those projections.
Today I can say that I am feeling depressed. I think a lot of it is the extreme fatigue, and the grey skies aren't helping. I'm resisting the urge to drink coffee, hoping that I'll be able to get a decent night's sleep.
I also have a sense of dread, feeling that I am a sitting duck for whatever bomb H drops next, whether it's OW, or his GAL plans, or D proceedings. I need to get in charge of my life.
H has the kids tomorrow and Wed night. As usual, I am incredibly unenthusiastic about GAL plans. Must think of something.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't have the knack for giving advice like you do. People respond to you so well! Look at your # of threads and posts. You have a lot to offer and I'm glad you take the time to follow my sitch!
My mom home schooled my sister who was having some learning difficulties. It was a big sacrifice for both of my parents. It takes a special person to tackle something like that. I know how hard it was for my parents and it took both of them.
I understand about the kids. That is my greatest fear, what S or D would do to them. It has probably held me back from doing what I need to do. I know you have guilt. Just remember, you didn't do this to them. You will be the one they look up to as time goes by. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don't. I do understand, though. You are in my prayers and I think you are a great person.
I'm so sorry you're depressed today. I understand the feeling well. I hope the meds can get worked out for you- I think they're helping me a lot right now.
I'm also sorry about the way this is affecting your kids. It's sad to think that so many of their peers will also come from divorced families- unlike when we were kids- so they won't be alone, but that doesn't help much now. What they will remember when they're older is that you held your head high and were strong and loving for them, that you didn't badmouth their dad and they will be ok. I worry about my D, too- but they WILL be ok, there just might be some bumps in the road for a little while.
I'm proof that staying married FOR the kids is a lousy choice- my parents did that and I wish they'd gotten divorced. Even when I was a kid, I wished that - it was awful most of the time to live with them. So, they're young now, but they will appreciate soon- if this is the direction things go- not being in a household filled with strife and unhappiness. Think of what that would do to them over a decade or more. I learned that people were mean to each other, marriage was strife, you had to be careful in your own house not to piss off dad, and a bunch of other ugly lessons that I've been trying to undo for years now. I'm still not there yet.
And you (and I) will have to remind ourselves when that guilt seeps in that ultimately, with the limited choices our H's are leaving open to us, we are doing what's best for our kids- they're in our minds with every decision we make. It may only be small comfort now, but maybe this will help at some point.
I'd really like to see you plan something enjoyable for yourself while kids are with your H- let us know what it is
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
