help with a plan

[pigskin]

If you are 100% sure, present her the facts as you know them. Expect her to deny whatever you present, no matter how damning they are.

Then you have one of two paths - attempt to reconcile or separate. If she agrees to try to restore the marriage, tell her what you need to ensure that the effort is not a waste of time. Namely, dropping the EA (and all contact) and respecting boundaries and transparency. She will probably continue to adamantly deny an EA. Fine, then transparency should not be an issue for her.

If she does not agree to the boundaries, then tell her you can't exist in your current state and she will need to find her own place.

I imagine there will be a lot of emotion on her side, so you have to be prepared for it and ensure you are calm and businesslike, and not raising your voice to her.