i'm feeling pretty blue today and felt that way for most of the weekend. my friends and family kept telling me to smile. i did my best to GAL, i left the house, i did stuff, i exercised, i went and saw the cherry blossoms, spent a lot of time with my family...but none of it could take the hurt away. i could forget for a few seconds at a time, but i would snap right back to thinking about my H and i'm at a point where it physically hurts. my whole life hurts. i know ya'll all know what i'm talking about.
not a word from my H over the weekend. i didn't expect anything and god knows i wanted to send him a text about 8,000 times but i didn't. i will have to email him soon to let him know about the $ he owes me for my taxes this year, and i talked to my dad about him and a L going over the separation agreement, but i'm still not ready to sign it.
my dad and i talked last night...he said that he will ultimately support whatever i feel like i need to do, but that he felt i needed to let go of my H and open myself to loving again. my H is so closed off right now, i am pretty much losing all hope that he will ever want to try and work things out.
prairie girl, in response to your question about how i felt after him leaving this time...i really haven't felt much in terms of anger so far. maybe it will come later, maybe it won't come at all, i don't know. i am sad, i am heartbroken, i am devastated over the idea of the loss of the future plans i had with my H...but i don't feel like this is something that he did to me, i don't feel like a victim, and there just isn't any anger. the only time i got close to being angry was when my family had to help me move. and mostly i was mad that my family was inconvenienced because of something that my H did. i've never been angry that he moved out. just sad.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
To be honest, having read your update I was feeling blue, too. Your M seems so full of possibilities, but how can you make a blind man see when he doesn't want to? Not now, at least.
I can see why you aren't angry. He's lost and can't find the way out of his mess. He's got himself lost along with his past issues. The help of the IC hasn't helped you, although it may in the long term.
My faith teaches that God never sends a test greater than a person can handle. You've done great, considering the emotional turns - don't lose that strength now! You'll need it as you rebuild, with or without him. Your life will continue and develop no matter what, so do the best you can with it. Enjoy your memories and find strength and direction for where to go. Memories are parts of us that are good - you aren't losing those good times with your H.
I hope you can find the way to open him up to you. Praying for it is a good thing to do. I wouldn't pray only for that.
he IS lost, and it's hard to heal from that, thinking that we could have saved our M or at least tried...
i know that my life will continue and develop, but it's so hard to picture it now without him in it. i promised him forever, and it's all crashing down around me and there's not much i can do to put the pieces together again. i'm willing to try, but he's not there...and i can't force him into it, either.
i keep dreaming that he'll snap out of it and see what he'll be missing if we move forward towards D, but with every day that passes that we don't talk or have contact in some way, i feel like it's another brick he puts in the wall between us. i do pray, constantly, that i have the strength to get through this, that i can deal with this with grace and compassion, and that my H will know he is loved and open his heart to me.
i feel very lost. not in the same sense i think he's lost, but...lost just the same.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i do have at least one reason to smile today. out of the blue, a guy i used to date and actually liked A LOT contacted me through FB just to say hi and share a music project he'd been working on. we've been emailing back and forth today and i told him about my situation and he offered some genuine words of sympathy and encouragement. so that was nice.
i finally sent the agreement to my dad to review. he'll most likely send it to a family friend who is a L to look over, too.
i'm working on finding my direction, OTM.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Hi TTA, just finished work so thought I'd stop in to see how you're doing. I'm so sorry to hear what a rough weekend you had. Thinking good thoughts for you as you work towards finding a positive new direction... looking forward to reading how that progresses for you. Take care.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
last night i went on one of the longest runs i've done...6 and a half miles! it was a beautiful run, and i did it in just under an hour and 20 minutes, which was a personal best for me. i wanted to quit about 5 blocks in, but i kept putting one foot in front of the other (and jamming out to lady gaga helped a lot, too!), and before i knew it, i was back home again.
i emailed my H yesterday to let him know what he owed me on the taxes. i asked him about his easter weekend and told him he was in my thoughts. i got very brief, business like responses. apparently, his puppy's jaw was dislocated over the weekend and he got into a fight with his mother on easter sunday, so i guess he is feeling like things continue to pile up on him. he seems so lost and unfeeling to me...i hardly even recognize him in his emails and my heart breaks that there is nothing i can do to help him.
my dad looked over our agreement last night and had some questions which i guess i'll have to ask my H about. i don't know if i should submit any changes to him or to his lawyer, but...i guess i'll figure it out.
has anyone seen the movie "precious"? i watched that last night after my run and it certainly made me feel like other people out there have it worse than me...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
just got off the phone with my mother. further proof that i cannot talk to her right now. as soon as she answered, she said, you know it's ok to be angry and we're all here for you to help you get through what that a$$hole did to you and going on about how i never should have taken him back the first time and how nothing would make her feel better than (and i'm quoting her here) "slapping the sh*t" out of him.
my mother and i are cut from very, very different cloths. i am working really hard to be level headed and cool about all of this, but she flies off the handle at the drop of a hat, and feels the need to tell me exactly how she feels all the time. i said to her at one point, if this is the way this conversation is going to go, then i'm going to hang up. you are entitled to your opinions and your feelings, and that's fine if you want to be angry. but i am not angry. i do not feel it is a positive use of my energy right now, and my H is not a bad person, he is very troubled and i can't be angry that he is in an emotional fog right now.
she said i am just making excuses for him and that he's a liar and he made promises to me and said we'd be together forever. so i said, mom, does that mean that all the people who end up divorced are liars? she said, YES. i know she is hurting. she keeps insisting that she is going through this whole thing, too. but i told her, i am the one who goes home to an empty house and at the end of the day, i am the one who has to sign the papers. i will be the one with a D looming over my head, not her. she will not wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for a man who isn't there. she will not have to date again or let go of loving her husband. it amazes me that in the midst of all of this, my mom is making this about herself and how much SHE is hurting.
am i making excuses? i don't think so. my H is a very lost person right now. i can't be mad at him for that, any more than i could get mad at my dog for shedding all over my house. i chose the way i respond to all of this, and i do not chose anger. i said to my mom, i could call my H every name in the book, i could key his car, i could send nasty letters to his family, i could do any number of angry, hurtful things and you know what? nothing would change. i wouldn't feel any better, and he would still want a D.
i could try to explain the buddhist concepts i'm reading about right now to my mom...about how people aren't inherently bad, they are all just like us, wanting to seek happiness and avoid suffering, and that the actions and behaviors of other people are not actually responsible for our own emotional well being. but i think that would be lost on her.
sigh. funny how a 15 minute phone conversation can TOTALLY exhaust you...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
sigh. funny how a 15 minute phone conversation can TOTALLY exhaust you...
Now, now. This is your perfect mother, isn't it?!?
I was reading what you wrote and I was IMPRESSED with you. To be able to follow a route of peace over war for your own ENs is probably one of the hardest things to do.
