Thats right Pearl. Well I know he still sees her..she works five feet away from him..for at least a couple of more days. I guess I will know when/if he is ready. I won't have to ask the question.
Thanks for coming over to give me some very good advice. I may see her tomorrow may not. I am guessing not. I have to got to go over to our house and get some stuff. Every time I mention it there seems to be something in the way of me going there presented by her.
I just texted her finally that I am coming over in the morning to get it and will be gone. So we'll see. After that it will be dark on my end.
How's everything going? As I posted yesterday was fun but kind of sad too.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Things are pretty quiet over here. Monday blues I guess. I woke up feeling agitated and that agitation really didn't go away all day. I think I just need to sleep it off.
I am hearing another round of layoffs next week. I have survived 6 or 7 at this point. Hopefully this will be the last of them. I always felt very stable at my job but with this reorg that has been going on..nobody feels safe. I have been at my company for over 10 years and really would love to continue my career here. I just wish that I didn't have so much uncertainty in my life!!!!!
Tuesdays are always better..I have pilates tomorrow night which energizes me. I tried to go out for a bike ride today but couldn't get my tires pumped up. My H always did the bike prep..this kind of depressed me that I couldn't figure out what the heck I was doing wrong. I need to take bike 101 quickly. I always counted on my H to change inner tubes, oil everything, bring a cell phone etc. I just rode along.
I have to figure out how to use the lawn mower too..it is liberating to do things on your own(or try to do things)..but also sad that you don't have someone to depend on.
Lola- I too woke up agitated and just plain annoyed.... It must be a Monday thing. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you make the next round of layoffs.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Tuesday!
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Question: With MC coming up this week...how do you validate your H feelings even though they have such a different reality than your own and most other people on the planet? Everything I read says you must validate their feelings or it appears that you do not understand them and they feel more isolated.
"I understand..but your nuts?"..."I understand..but you sound like any other man just getting out of an EA/PA? and you may as well be a carbon copy?"..."I understand how you feel but what you are feeling is completely based on the reality that you have created in your head...and not the real world?"..."I understand how you feel...although you were/are acting like a 17 year old boy with his loins on fire?"
How do you correct the rewritten history of your H without sounding defensive?
"Sure it happened like that...but this is the way it really happened H?"
I don't want to seem like I am talking him out of his feelings and reality. I think that will make him dig his heels in deeper.
I don't want to seem like I am talking him out of his feelings and reality.
Then don't do it. Simple.
Right now you are judging H for his feelings. Not good. There is no right or wrong with feelings. How would you feel if H told you that you're wrong to be angry with him or you're wrong to be sad. His feelings are what they are.
Sounds like you do some more work on really trying to understand H's feelings and how they led him to have an EA/PA.
His actions were wrong. That is what needs to be addressed--why he chose to act on his feelings by cheating instead of turning to you or himself.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 04/07/1003:03 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you Pearl. I took your advice...I have been reading so much about EA/PA that I felt like everything that came out of my H mouth was so cookie cutter. Even though I believe that to be the case..it isn't necessary to convince my H of that. His feelings are his reality right now.
I got an email from my H this afternoon saying that the OW is gone from his office. He said he didn't know that yesterday was her last day. I don't know if I believe that or not but I have no other option but to believe it...and really..it isn't important right now.
We had MC tonight. I have to say that it went very well. We talked about a lot of things but one thing that she focused on was all the construction that we had going on at my house the past few years. My brothers are contractors and have been doing the work for us. This caused an extraordinary amount of stress for a number of reasons. 1) they didn't show up when they said they would 2) we never fell within budget 3) nothing was ever done on time.
My H and I would argue about this constantly. I was put in a tough position. My H didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings to my brothers and he expected me to be his voice. I didn't want to rock the boat with my family..they were doing us a favor so I felt like it wasn't right to complain. There came a point when I did start to complain to my brothers...but even that didnt help. This caused a lot of resentment in my H...which I knew- I always felt the anger radiating off of him.
MC said that my H felt completely out of control of the situation and he is a man that always was in control (alpha dog). He turned to the secretary because this was a situatiion he could control. MC asked if I agreed that this was a probably cause to my H affair. I told her that this is probably one of the many reasons for his A... but I don't think this is the sole reason.
We spoke about a number of other things. MC was impressed that me and my H weren't cursing and yelling at eachother. She can tell that we care a lot about eachother. MC also said that she would like me to explore my feelings a little more. My H acts out..she was wondering where my feelings were in all of this.
H and I got a bite to eat afterwards. He asked me if I have explored my feelings. I told him that I was working on it. He said that he thinks I need to..that the MC is right. He also said that the MC was right about the construction issues. He felt completely out of control..he was the man of the house and had no say in what was going on and couldn't speak his mind. My H is a therapist skeptic and thought the MC was right on with all of the things that she was saying. He is interested in going back.
Ironically..I am not sure how I feel. I still need to explore my feelings. I have been so worried about his feelings and what he was thinking..I really need to start giving things a lot of thought..and think about what is best for me.
H walked me to the car..he was very affectionate all night..opening doors..sharing food..pouring wine..looking in my eyes..making all the conversation. He hugged me..I kissed him on the cheek and pulled away. I am so not ready for anything..a kiss even seemed too much right now.
I asked the MC about the lack of connection I feel..she told me that I should feel what I feel..but that it is to be expected to feel this way. She said I am afraid of being hurt so I am standing far back. My H is afraid of screwing up again..so he is afraid to get too close. MC said she felt good about where we are coming into this..Time will tell.
It is so strange that one day all of this feels so hopeless..and the next...it seems like everything will be OK. I am not too optimistic though. My H has some deep rooted issues...and perhaps I do too. We cannot go back to playing house any time soon. I did feel love for him tonight...and I felt love in return. I guess that is a start.
Take some time and really think about what you want. I had about a month of going back and forth before deciding I would try with no guarantee of staying.
If you do decide to stay then you need to get a transparency plan in place to deal with OW issue. Are you friendly with anyone in H's office who can confirm OW no longer works there? That was great for me, having a close friend who works for BF so I know I can call/email her anytime to check up on him (she has known the sitch from the beginning). And BF knows that I can and will ask people to verify his whereabouts if I need to.
Not feeling a connection is normal. When we started piecing I didn't feel anything for BF. It was comfortable like it would be with anyone you've known for a long time, but that's it. If you work on yourself and H works on himself you can get that connection back.
But it's ok if you decide you've had enough. H is a repeat offender and I know that would make me a lot less likely to want to try.
Again, take the time to sort through your feelings and figure out what YOU and you alone want. I know it's not easy but it's necessary.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks Pearl- OW is definitely gone from the office...I am sure of that. But that does not guarantee that he will never hear or speak to her again. I am not overly concerned about her at the moment. I am really not sure what I want..and each day that goes by..I am leaning more towards parting ways. Not because I am angry...but because I really believe my H has depression/personality issues that he won't really admit to..and therefore will not seek help.
He stopped by today unannounced...he was clearly in a depressed state. H said that I don't understand him emotionally and never have. He retracted some of the things that he said at the MC appt- he told the MC he doesn't blame me for some issues...but now he says he does. The MC told him that the issues he blamed me for weren't issues that I could have controlled. He still feels like I could have done more. H said that we will discuss this again at MC.
One thing is very clear and has always been clear...my H has huge resentment issues. He does not know how to forgive and his hurt is the only thing he can feel. It is almost like his A is nothing compared to what I have done...for example- I have gotten upset with him for not closing any drawers or cabinets that he opened..or coming in from outside and dumping dirt out of his sneakers onto the floor. It is his house..and he should feel like he is in control of it. I cannot wait to discuss these things with the MC..I am sure my H will act rational in front of her..and then flip flop afterwards like he did today.
I think deep down inside..he knows he is wrong about many things he brings up..but he just likes to argue..and likes the drama..he is a lawyer after all- so by nature- he likes to fight and win...even when he is wrong. I leave him fighting with himself for the most part...
I spoke to him today about depression. I read him an article. He listened and was quiet. He looked very depressed afterwards..almost had tears in his eyes. He left a few minutes later.
I am trying hard to listen to him...and listen to how he is feeling. I know I cannot tell someone how to feel...but how do you handle a man who expresses feelings that aren't based on reality..just based on his reality? He has a different recollection of different things in our M..but most of it is untrue..He is truly grasping at straws trying to understand how he could have done this..how he could have had an A. He acted against his core values and morals..how he could have hurt someone that he loves (his words)..and I think now that the fog has lifted...he is left trying to figure out/justify how he could have done what he did. It is draining.
