Good for you for all the things that you're doing for yourself! You have a plan and I think that it will ground you to make these kinds of plans for yourself as much as possible.
No 2x4s from me...I know you're punishing yourself and I won't be part of that. We care about you and the person we don't want you to let down is you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
yes, the hang ups are a 180 - I started doing them in recent weeks - but I must say it antigonizes him too. First thing when he came over, he then focussed on how I hung up on him, not on anything else. He says "if you want to talk hanging up just doesn't cut it"
so he was also surprised I was leaving . "oh, you're leaving?" and I told him what S needed in terms of medicine (he's got a cold) and that violates the NC rule, but again, worried about how all this is affecting S.
Then slipped out, no good bye. When asked, I said I didn't know if I'd return tonight. Now crying, going to read and nap.
Hugs to you H4L. IMO, you can't do complete NC due to your S, but try to write things down to avoid opening the door to conversations. Find whatever peace you can tonight.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Im journalling I can't get over the feeling that = yes, we both have problems, yes we both made horrible, destructive mistakes. H doesn't want to take the risk of these things happening again = but is unwilling to look at his side. It is so hard to let go knowing and believing that if he were willing we could overcome all these things. Now that he has a gf, he is comparing me to her and sees our M as a huge mistake. The pain of this is unbearable as I never want to give up.
I guess this is LRT. I am going to set up a call with a DB coach. I barely have a chance left, but maybe just maybe if I can DB right, I can get my H to be interested in trying again.
Meanwhile, sitting with the pain and the shame that he isn't. Proud that I am resisting the urge to "talk about it" tonight - which is what I wanted to do this morning and you all good people talked me out of it. Thank you.
H4L, when I was working on detaching, and trying to follow the steps in the article, I identified a number of irrational beliefs that I had about my M. One belief was that if I love H enough, he'll love me back. This is a child-like belief that probably has its roots in not getting the love that I needed from my parents. But our attachment needs are so strong that the pull to get them met is incredibly powerful.
I hope that you can take a good look at your M and see that this situation wasn't caused by some failure to DB properly on your part. Your H is not happy and you can't make him happy. He has screwed up in a huge way and probably has to manage his life around not facing the shame of his own actions.
Byron Katie talks about "my business, your business, and God's business". Figure out what's your business and do your best to focus on that.
sending hugs your way...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hope- I'm so sorry I missed your msg on the alt Friday- please see my msg back to you and feel free to call anytime- I truly mean it. If you need a lifeline or just someone to call so you don't call H, please ring.
I have been following along all weekend and am hurting for you. I can't imagine what you're feeling. Your last post really struck me b/c I can so relate to it- that desperation and "It is so hard to let go knowing and believing that if he were willing we could overcome all these things. " I feel that too, though I'm not in the exact spot you are. It is so sad and such a waste for them to just turn away and give up. I have been working on (or trying to) asking myself "do I want him? what about all the times he didn't give me what I needed, etc.?" just to keep myself in balance a little more and remind myself that I tried my butt off and there's only going to be so much I'm willing to do one-sided, as hard as that will be to face.
I'm proud of how you took care of you and S this weekend, even though you were both ill, even. And how you checked the urge to call H- right now he will not give you what you want and need. I think it will get a tiny bit easier not to call each day, but you'll have to wade through that, I'm not going to lie and say there's some easy way around it.
Please see IC if you can- I hope s/he is a good one. And know that you are doing your best that you can in this given moment no matter what you're doing.
I wish you sleep tonight--
J
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
H4L, You did well--You should be so proud of yourself.
You have a lot of regrets and sadness--perfectly understandable. Here is the thing. Your relationship NEEDS you to get yourself together. Your H CANNOT DO IT!!! You need to detach and GET STRONG.
He needs to see STRENGTH from you. That YOU will keep your sh** together and GET YOU BOTH ON TRACK. He is looking for that and ANGRY when you won't provide those boundaries he needs.
You have a 5 year old. He tests your boundaries, right? Children love boundaries. It gives them COMFORT when you are strong. If you are a weak parent, the kid goes out of control LOOKING for you to STOP THEM. And they always do test you. Always.
Your H is absolutely no different. He is LOOKING for you to KEEP your boundaries. He will be attracted to a strong, confident person that isn't afraid of doing the work--let that person be you!
Here is a script for when he is angry you hung up on him. "Sorry H, but I am going to have to continue each time you get (angry, start cursing, what you decide in your mind is unreasonable). I hope you choose not to do those things, but I understand if you do.
It's a choice HE makes ultimately. Just like what you tell your son--honey, you made a choice here. I'm sorry but now you need a (time out, whatever). It's painful to do it to kids, too, but they need it right? Detach and see that you are doing ultimately the right thing!
HOping I can stick out LRT and esp. hoping it gets H's attention. But, gotta drop that expectation of the outcome, right?
You are doing great. I am glad that you have decided to go dim.
Yes you need to lower your expectations to zero. This is not a trick. It is to protect you. Also Your H is asking for the space. It may help, it may not, but this is the correct path.
