Family is a wonderful thing. I just have to keep repeating it to myself.
I've just returned from another excruciating yet unintentionally hilarious family holiday dinner.
Here are the best (worst?) parts of my family gathering:
*We were to be at my grandmother's house for lunch at 1:00. Lunatic uncle (who still lives at home at age 41) slept in until 2:00. He joined us at the table after an extremely noisy get-up routine and well-advertised shower. *Grandmother's boyfriend did not notice for nearly an hour that H wasn't there. *Both grandmother and her boyfriend need hearing aids. One was talking about my painting my den and the other one asked, "Why are you talking about the car?" Neither realized that the other had no clue about what was being discussed. *Grandmother noticed my sushi Band-Aids on my thumbs and asked me what I did to myself. I told her that I wore blisters mowing the lawn on Friday. She told me that I did NOT do it mowing the lawn. First--why would I lie? Second--it's not unheard of to get blisters from doing yard work. Third--why did we need to argue about it? *Grandmother's boyfriend commented about my losing weight. He never means for his observations to be taken as compliments, FYI. *Lunatic uncle decided to call people to see what they're doing. He indicated that he has to catch up on "pissing off people" since he woke up so late. He added that the combination of Benadryl and Xanax really makes him sleep. [Note: he does not have a prescription for Xanax.] *Grandmother again commented on my thumb injuries and commented (not to me, of course, even though I'm sitting right there) that I must have really done a number on my hands somehow. [Reminder to the reader: I have one Band-Aid on each thumb covering a single blister. That's it.] *At this point, I went for my first "foliage" walk outside. Grandmother followed me to point out the names of flowers I may not know (though I didn't ask the names) and to question me about what has and hasn't bloomed in my yard so far. *I returned inside only to immediately go back out for my second "foliage" walk. My second walk was inspired by lunatic uncle's tirade about air filters or trailer hitches or something like that. I hid in the back yard for 10 minutes or so. *Dessert was served. Lunatic uncle commented that he had not been hanging out with too many high schoolers lately. He's 41, if you missed that before. *I announced my plans to leave. My grandmother vetoed that decision and told me to sit down. We sat side by side on a sofa for the next 30 minutes and looked at a mail-order flower/plant catalog. Twice. *Lunatic uncle told a riveting story about being stung by a wasp a decade or so ago. *Grandmother's boyfriend asked if I felt weak since I'd lost weight. I told him that I didn't. He didn't want me to walk away feeling good about losing weight, of course, so he made sure to tell me I look weak. My father jumped in and took care of that one before I had to. *Lunatic uncle, after spending 20 minutes in the restroom, came out to speculate as to which previous meals he had just said goodbye. [I have taken some liberties with the wording of his speculation. I did so because the true version was horrifying.] *Grandmother once again commented on my thumb injury. Determined to get the truth out of me, she asked once more how I had hurt my thumbs. I'm sure she was disappointed when my story hadn't changed. *I finally escaped when my father mercifully said it was time for all of us to get going. I need to call him and thank him later. My father was likely inspired to run for his life after a spirited debate between grandmother and boyfriend about how a teapot got broken, how it could be repaired, what temperature liquids could go in it if it was repaired, and who was really to blame for this tragedy.
As always during a holiday, I'm incredibly grateful to be back in my own home. It's so quiet and peaceful here. I'm relieved to be home. I'm also grateful for my parting gift--the mail-order flower/plant catalog I've already looked at twice.
