Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I guess my question is what role does your W play in your life right now? It seems co-parenting is your primary role with her. So, as the mother of your children, I think it is great the you get her presents, cards and the like from your children. From you? I would be consistent. It's good to check in with yourself to see if you feel like doing something. However, that may prove to be inconsistent. Get what I mean?

WT, I am a little confused on this. Let me see if I can follow the bouncing ball.

Right now, the only role I see between my W and I is co-parenting the kids. Most of our interactions are through text messages and email.

I thought a lot about boundaries today. What boundaries I want is basically dictated by the kind of relationship I want to have with my W, which is also affected by the kind of R she wants with me. In other words I she could want to be friends with me, but I may not want a friendship with her, therefore a friendship won't happen.

You are right about my feelings being inconsistent. I have flip flopped on even acknowledging her birthday with a simple text message. It seems rather ridiculous and a total waste of energy on my part. But it is what it is and that's what I have to play with..that's the clay in my hands.

At times I don't even want a friendship with this woman. The way she has treated me over the past two years; her attempt to take out court orders on frivolous incidents; her lying and twisting the truth on her affidavit on the first order attempt; her standing in the way of me getting 50/50 with my kids; the warped way she has painted me to her family and friends; there's just way too much to list. The list goes on and on.

Then there are other times when she is genuinely (that may be up for debate) nice. I am a much better man than she will even acknowledge and I am kind and thoughtful. I think the yardstick I try to use is this - am I doing this because it's what I want to do and it's right for me to do it? Am I doing it to get some kind of 'reaction' from her (manipulative); Am I doing it to strike out and hurt her (vindictive)? Sometimes I can't truly answer that question.

I still sometimes harbor a wish to work through all of this and keep my family together but the reality of it is it would take an act of god for that to happen.

My T asked me yesterday if my W turned around tomorrow would I take her back? I told her I think I wouldn't. I said there would be so many hoops for her to jump through - she would have to acknowledge her part in the R deterioration; she would have to own and fix the issues she brought into the R; she would have to sit down with me and her family and explain how she distorted the truth and painted a picture of me which wasn't reality; she'd have to stop drinking; etc...

The T looked at me and said, "Even then I don't think it would work. I don't think you would take her back. You're not anywhere near the same person you were." I agreed with her on the massive changes I've made.

She also remarked at how far I've come and the way I even discuss the sitch is from a much more balanced and healthy perspective.

Do I want her to turn around and tell me she made a mistake? Do I want her to genuinely own and apologize for the things she has done? (like I did many times in the MC sessions)

The answer is YES. Why do I want this? Sometimes I don't even know. Vindication? A need for validation from her? (I think it's a lot less about this one)

I think I acknowledged her birthday in the best way I know how to right now - I bought a really nice present for her from the kids, I had each one of them make a personalized birthday card with pictures and coloring done by them. So for the R her and I have right now, what I did was spot on.

Right now my connection with her seems to only come through the kids. I don't answer my phone when she calls because I don't really feel like speaking to her. I declined her invitation to stay over the night before Easter because I really have no desire to see her. I don't reach out to contact her unless it has to do with our kids or something to do with the household stuff.

It just seems to be my preference right now. That may change over time but I can't speak for the future.

She has over the past few weeks called me when she could have easily texted and initiated some banter through text messaging.

For now, I'll stay steady on my course and boundary of only information exchange about the kids.

Even last night I had filled some big easter eggs for my kids and txted her I was going to drop them off on the porch. She asked if I wanted to come into the house and hide them. I declined - again, because I really don't want to see her. And to clarify, it's not avoidance because it brings up a sadness or wanting in me, but rather an avoidance because I just don't want to. I hope that makes sense. When I do see her I really don't feel anything at all. No pull, no attraction, no desire. Not even to engage in a conversation.

I'll have to check out that book. I am so fascinated by both subjects and feel they totally intertwine as to become inseparable.

What bachelor degree are you getting? Is it in philosophy or is the philosophy class one of your core requirements?

Thanks again WT. You have often been one of the rocks I lean on.