It is really helping me to understand, as are many of your posts.
Have you ever considered writing a book? It could be so helpful to people.
You know, I think I must have been going through MLC myself, before this happened. I think that's the "bad" behavior of mine that exacerbated his situation (not that he wouldn't have gone MLC anyways, just made it tougher). Only difference being that I never went outside the marriage with a PA. Indeed, I think that it was his dropping the Bomb that led to me finishing the tunnel and going on to the acceptance stage. Having to wrap it all up, look after the kids, myself, and go on with life. I wish he wasn't in MLC now. I think I know how long and foggy it is. I wish he didn't run, or go outside the M, it makes it harder, and it is really hard anyway.
You may have had some "ah ha" moments, but I doubt that it was a MLC...transition maybe? Your transition may have helped step his up, but he was going to have one no matter what. He's got a lot of issues to deal with from his past.
Mlc is hard no matter the case, i.e. whether they run or stay at home. Life is very difficult for them to handle and believe me, having them home can drive you crazy because they are there all of the time bouncing off the walls, i.e., nothing pleases them. He sounds like he never completed any of the life transitions throughout his adulthood. He continues to repeat some incidences in his life w/you. He never quite makes it completely and has to revisit them periodically.
In time, he may settle down. You will have to give him as much time and space he needs. In fact, the more you give him, the better it will be for the both of you. He needs to put his focus on his issues and deal w/them.
You have some tough decisions to make in the days ahead. I wish you well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it really was MLC. For the first time in my life I couldn't do denial anymore. Anger, check. As for replay, I never met anyone I could run away with, what if I had? Also, I really didn't want to loose my H or my kids or my marriage, so that would have held me back. Fog, check. Memory loss, check. Changes in appearance, career, independance, check, check, and check. Withdrawal, check. Depression, check. Acceptance - confronting parents and what I now read about as crisis children, check and check. I had no idea until now what those angry outbursts were to my parents, or to everyone around me.
I truley believe now that MLC is a real thing, and different from WAS. I also think it's got a biochemical basis (thus the depression, cycling). I believe that one's psychology and biology are intertwinned (mind and body) and so it's the mental and life-time dissonance that leads to the body's biology to change, to the mania and depressive type behaviors, and importantly, to the fog and lack of memory. It would take a change in life to a more simple existence and a movement away from the stress triggers to allow it to slowly wind down.
Thus the only way they could come back is if 1) they didn't want to go in the first place and held onto you in the back of their minds AND you were there once everything wound down, or 2) everything wound down on it's own and they realized you were stil there and that you were a good thing for them all along.
My WH still needs space and time, to bring him back now would probably just lead to cake eating, but boy do I ever need to detach for my own good. I wish he hadn't left the home, and created a sitch where the kids and I were forced into developing a new life mostly independant of him.
How do I NOT date him, because I know he needs more time and space, and move on with my life, while still... what is that expression... keeping the candle in the window (maybe)?
What do you mean by "life transitions", can you please explain?
Originally Posted By: snodderly
He sounds like he never completed any of the life transitions throughout his adulthood. He continues to repeat some incidences in his life w/you. He never quite makes it completely and has to revisit them periodically.
Life transitions are every 10 or so years. For example, 20, 30, 40, etc. Another example is moving from puberty to adulthood. That is a transition. We all go through them. They are growing periods within our lives. If we do not navigate them properly, grow from the experiences, learn from the experiences and accept what we can or cannot change, then when a mlc comes along, it could be worse than a normal one because you have the issues of the childhood and the "missed" life's transitions in the mix. I consider a "normal" mlc one that is a blip on the radar. For example, what you described that you went through, I would consider "normal". I consider those individuals who are out there blazing a trail through mlc land and creating turmoil for all to be the "full blown" mlc from hell.
Again, I want to reiterate, each individual is different, i.e., childhood issues, life's transitions, personality, etc. BTW, there have been discussions on the board about life's transitions. You may want to do a search and read those postings so that you have a better understanding.
WH wanted to come play this weekend with us, and I said no, and stayed dark N/C. Because he just wanted us and his other life, and I can't live like that.
I miss WH. He could have been here, but he's not really here anyways, it's just an illusion, he lives in another city without us, by his choice.
Son had a friend come over, the parents came in to meet me, I hate having to meet the parents as a single Mom. I feel like I'm being punished or shamed for something I didn't do. Son has no father around, and I know he's self-concious about it. Daughter (was daddy's little girl) doesn't have her Dad. She tells everyone that she'll get to visit him next week, because she feels the loss of him here. Hate it, hate it, I feel so sad.
We generally put on a good face around WH, because we know he didn't come back when we were crying. But now WH says, why should he come back, clearly me and the kids are thriving without him.
He said he wanted to reconcile, and I said I'd think about it. It was a 5 minute conversation last Wednesday. Then he didn't talk to me, no texts, no calls, no nothing... Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Maybe he's giving me time to think? After almost a year, he is so distant. If actions speak louder than words, in this case, there are no actions.
Tomorrow it's back with the L's to separate finances, because he just spends, spends spends.
I don't want to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
None of us wanted to separate/divorce. However, there are times when we have no choice but to do what is best for us, i.e., finances, assets, well being, etc. When you meet w/your lawyer, look at the situation as a business deal and think w/your head and not your heart. You have to consider everything that you and your children will need to survive in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I saw from your old threads, that you went through this a long time ago. Can you tell me anything about that? Do you think you'd do anything different if you could? Or do you now feel that it is just a distant story from a long time ago. I sure appreciate your being here, however it happened.
In many ways, I would have done a number of things differently that would have been to my benefit, but that is water under the bridge after all of this time. My situation was no different than any other here. The dynamics are a bit different, but the bottom line was and continues to remain the same with many...if the mlcer is gung ho on getting a divorce, they will move heaven and earth to get it...there is no way of convincing them otherwise. You have to protect yourself at all costs and remember that it's not about you, but about them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Secondchance H is hiding from you. He wanted to reconcile, you didn`t jump at the chance. Good for you, because now he`s the one thinking about your sitch. Give him some space and and let him stew. Celestial
