"All rise"

[faithisbelieving]

Thank you all...Kerry...Bill...June..Andabelle.

My IC, after all this time, felt she was either Bipolar II or BPD. STBXW denies this in all her legal documents. Water under the bridge.

My daugther is tough and I think she will handle this. My son, OTOH, I think is really going to have a rough time of this. As Bill knows for a long time now that I have a close R with him. We talk at night before bedtime. We have catches. I put my arm around him when we walk and we buddy it up. I know, that he is going to have trouble adapting in the beginning.

Funny thing. I don't hate STBXW. In spite of all the horrible stuff, I would still even prefer to work together. It's just not going to happen. Even yesterday, she changed a dental appt on me that I was going to go to and she didn't tell me. I ended up at the dentist's office, for the third time now, alone. Fortunately, I know the dentist and he fills me in.

It's a sad state of affairs when two people cannot function for the sake of two innocent children. You build a house together. You become intimate and create two lives together. You open door for them to find the life and happiness that they seek. Yet, they still feel the need to punish you.

FIB

[BeginningAgain]

Well in your case I'd say that 1 person is functioning and unfortunately it is the other one who is completely dysfunctional.

[Gypsy]

Hey Frank..

The absolutely worst time in my life was telling the kids. Mine happened about two weeks after the bomb.

From my experience, make a plan.

Write out what your belief is.

Anticipate any and all questions the children will have, especially about birthdays, vacations, where they live.

Work with the counselor together, so you two go in as a united front. This is all about the kids, helping them during a very traumatic time, reassuring them it's not their fault, that you aren't going anywhere, that you will always love them.

Let her take ownership. Don't come to her rescue.

And, if you're both together, you know what's said. And this is a brand new beginning of a very different sort. Very very tough.

Your kids are young enough that they deserve to have both parents reassuring them as a united front.

*******

A story I heard once..

A recently divorced father took his two distraught children out to the backyard. "Gather all the twigs you can find and bring them here." The kids scampered around depositing some and running to find more as the father built a tight bundle of the twigs.

As the kids rested the father stood before them and started twisting at the bundle. "This is like the love your mother and I had for each other." With much effort bits of wood started to break off as the father talked, the children watching. They saw how hard he had to work as the bundle slowly broke apart.

The father then asked the kids to find sticks, which they did, following the same pattern as before. The father wove the sticks into a tight bundle and started trying to twist and break it as before. No matter how hard he worked, the bundle stayed secure, whole. The father looked to his children and said, "This is the love I have for you."

*hugs*

[yrsofhurt]

Just adding my current experience for you. Divorce has been final two weeks. Spent two years in divorce proceedings with most of that time trying to protect my 7yr old from knowing what was going on, while hoping WAH would come to senses. Had to tell son when it became obvious my XH would file contempt of court charges against me just to prove his point.

I tried over the course of the two years to educate my XH on what would emotionally take place in our child from our divorce, to no avail. Our child is a very sensitive and anxious child by nature, and it broke my heart knowing what this loss would do to him. XH insisted child would not be perfect, but would be just fine and that I was wrong on what child would suffer.

Now, I am at least justified in my opinion. I found play
therapist for my son, and XH agreed to come for parent meeting. Therapist explained to us that our child would have to be dealt with very delicately due to his nature, and that stability would be utmost important. She let us know that he appears to be a anxious child that would need much encouragement and patience in order to adjust.

XH wanted to hang out with us after the meeting. At that time, he told me I had been right. Took two years to get to that place of understanding. Maybe it took the divorce to get to this place. But whatever the reason, I am glad he is hearing from someone else the effects of the divorce on our son.

Two days later: XH over to our home to keep son while I go out to dinner with friends. Son sees his parents getting along, and says to his dad,"You and Mommy aren't fighting. You can move back home." Of course my heart stopped. XH smiles and says to son, "You are so cute". and son replies, "I am not kidding, Dad, you can move back home now." I just stood with my mouth hanging open, and Dad continued to smile and say nothing. What could we say??? This precious child sees it so simply. And you know, it really is simple. Adults should just do what is best for the little ones, and work it out. But that would mean parents are mature adults.

I just want to express my hope and understanding of your situation. You can be proud that you are willing to do what is best for your children.

[cire2]

My $.02 FWIW...

I'm on the other side FIB, I think you should sit down with the shrew when you are going to discuss this with the kids.

I believe this will show them in the long run that people can and should act with dignity in difficult times.

What she does she will own more than she can know. It is important for you set the good example because she's setting the bad one.

I know the difficulty with co parenting but.......

Just my thoughts my friend.

cire

[SDFoundGirl]

Is there any way to have the therapist sit with you while you both tell the kids? No way (TG)STBXW would pull something stupid with an onlooker. (TG= Thank God) The therapist would be able to guide you all through it and work with you guys to help answer questions and stuff. That's what I would do.

If that's not possible, there's no way on earth I'd let her do it separately. The lady has lost her marbles, and I'm pretty sure she's not going to find them any time soon.

Actually, I think she's so angry because she knows she screwed up big time, knows she's to vain to admit it, and knows she dug herself in too deep. Narcissistic. It's like through acting out against you, she's avoiding dealing with the wretched things she's done.

I know this seems difficult for you regarding your relationship with your children, but my mom was batchitcrazy for most of my life, and I always knew my dad was the hero, though certainly flawed. He put up with a lot from her, and I always wondered why he didn't call BS and divorce her butt or at least stand up for himself.

Your kids will love you no matter what crazy stuff your W pulls. In the short term there might be fall out, but if you are consistent and loving, in the long term it will all work out. In those crazy moments, you have to see past the moment and keep breathing until it's passed.

Still following...

SD

[figgeroni]

I would not let that harpy fill my children's heads with her twisted version of the truth

I would want to be there if only to hear what she was saying

you don't need to start correcting everything right there but I would make sure to correct it later when you have the kids alone

like:
mommy said we both wanted to sleep with other people but I want you to know that mommy is the only slut here...

ok, maybe not like that
but

I think it is invaluable for you to know exactly what she is saying to your children

you don't have to tell the brutal, no holds barred truth...nor should you (they are just little tots)
but
you should be able to addess any nuttiness she splatters on them

[faithisbelieving]

I have to think about this. I really....have no desire to sit with her and talk with them with her. Truly. Can I? Yes. Do I want to? No. I'm not sure how many here have had to face 3 squad cars in front of their house while having a catch with their son...or...walking their daughter up the driveway with a squad car in front of the house because you brought you son to a playdate (according to her, I 'secreted' him away)...or had documents filed to have you 'removed from the house under police escort'....or to be thrown in jail to 'purge himself' for contempt of court.

After 4 years of this and amazing things said about me re: courage, etc....heck....I don't think I want to do it. I've read some amazing feats of courage here...some amazing comments that men and women have said at the signing of their documents. I've seen many eat a lot of horse hockey in the attempt to save their family.

Honestly....I don't think STBXW deserves the exposure of my personal feelings in front of our children anymore.

I know this may sound ULTRA anti-DB, etc, but, she has shown nothing to me to show she has ANY desire to move forward in an amicable fashion. My laundry was thrown on the floor again this week. Trust me: we have no interaction outside of texting.

I'm sorry if I disappoint anyone here.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

(sigh)

Rampant

FIB

[kml]

Fib -
I'm with the camp that says be there, so you can counter any dis-information from the ex.

OR - tell them yourself first.

But your presence ensures that if she starts telling them some BS about it being your fault, you can cut her short.