So, I "won". I think I need an exclamation mark, but I don't feel it.
I slowly brought on some touch, a bit of begging, and some honest conversation.
I asked her to sleep in our bed again, no intent for ML. She agreed. Lots of hugging.
In the morning, we talked. I'm not sure where things are going, but she is willing to give more time.
My main point - 'divorce me now or open your heart to me and use your love to help me. I'm not perfect and I won't be able to stop completely yet, if at all.'
Her response - 'not sure, when she thinks of me doing that it feels like knives cutting her and fills her with so much anger'
My concerns: she thought about suicide over this but stopped because of the kids (not because of me, God, etc.) I told her she should see her IC and tell her in detail. I don't think she'd do it, it is a unforgivable sin, but wow - I don't think porn is that bad!
the pain of her asking for a D was so much, I almost have a bigger desire to go to porn to see if she's understood me better or if she is a time bomb (I'm not going to, but the feeling's there ):
I'm suddenly feeling more attracted and in love, but I'm also feeling so much more divorce ready again. Yesterday, I just wanted a chance for me and my fam. I got the chance, sort of, so why am I back on the mountaintop - looking both ways as a sudden plummet to a new life and peak. I can't wait for my IC meeting!
