OK, he never used the word sociopath, but he described the behaviour perfectly. It fits perfectly with the descriptions you can read anywhere.
The site may be a bit off with the idea that he can`t be cured, I thought that was a bit premature, but you do need to know what you`re dealing with here so you can gauge his mind effectively.
His apology isn`t a normal apology, he will use it as a chance to win your approval back. It`s just about him getting you to accept him back into your heart so he can play games with you and break it all over again.
There are lots of treatments out there and I am confident he can be helped to live a normal life, but right now he`s just going to keep hurting and dissappointing people until they stop supporting the behaviour.
I honestly doubt he is with OW having a pleasant time. He doens`t know how... he is setting her up to get hurt, that`s all he knows how to do. She`s a fool for supporting his behaviour.
He is likley formulating what to say to you for starters. As you pointed out yourself, he was a blatant coward. I really don`t know how he can run damage control on that phone call... he is gonna need time to come up with somthing really good. He is also likley figuring you will be easier to deal with when you have cooled off for a few days.
This phone call and your reactions to it just show you how ridiculous being around him and his nonsense really is. You are HEALTHIER NOT being involved in that. Now you got the call and got sucked back into that lifestyle and you are hurting all over again. Trust me you are better off NOT being with him right now. He`s a coward and OW will not be able to deal with that long term anymore than you can... she will have LESS Patience than YOU for it... she``s got less maturity and impatience comes right along with that.
She will get sick of his lies eventually if she hasn`t already... its just a matter of time.
One strategy you can use is to make your marriage more attractive than any thing that the H may be doing in the world.
Armed with the knowledge that most people who leave for another end up in a situation that does not work, and the "affair magic" dies down after the divorce, you should have enough confidence.
Invite the guy in. Stop looking at it from a critical perspective. If there are some things that he has been trying to communicate to you, verbally or non-verbally, try to process it.
What the hell is he getting out of this affair partner other than an "affair and cheating on his wife"?
Why can't he have those feelings which may be strong to him with you?
Do you still love the man? No communication is only going to make him strengthen his bond with his affair partner.
I believe if I where in your shoes, I would start out by making a date with the man. Let him check you out. Don't be nervous and get the affair thoughts out of your head, easier said than done. Find a way to revert to your confidence base during your date.
Many of us men are in the same position, and we don't get other men giving us advice trying to play hero. They usually bash the guy.
What I have found is you can get much more from a loving home than out in an affair or single sex, and it is the truth.
Please don't be another statistic in this country.
I think NC is a divorce busiting technique- it also matches Allens recommendation for the Protective Phase when a WAS is in an A.
I hate to disagree w/ you, but Allen typically puts a lot of time an effort into sitches and provides info and quotes from many different professionals in dealing w/ A's.
DB is also about 180s and not doing things that dont work...alot wont work in an A...this forum is specifically geared towards A's and infidelity...
I think NC is a divorce busiting technique- it also matches Allens recommendation for the Protective Phase when a WAS is in an A.
I hate to disagree w/ you, but Allen typically puts a lot of time an effort into sitches and provides info and quotes from many different professionals in dealing w/ A's.
DB is also about 180s and not doing things that dont work...alot wont work in an A...this forum is specifically geared towards A's and infidelity...
Alen doesnt need me to defend him, so I'll stop
I'll agree that the A's are very unfair and tough on the betrayed. The 180 is a surefire way to inject life, stability and confidence back to the betrayed. Whether it knocks the Cheating spouse out of the fog, I'm not sure it accomplishes this.
In the cheaters mind at a certain point its less painful to go on with the affair partner than going back home. We all know that their minds create the rationalizations so they don't have to feel guilt, and this is tough to overcome.
It is usually several years after an affair that the cheater if they have any shred of consciousness will feel remorse and pains of sorrow in the betrayal.
We all also agree that during an Affair that the betrayer will usually demonize the spouse, in that they will be hyper critical of what the spouse is doing wrong, and will not give weight for what the spouse does right.
Its very unfair.
In the case of a female cheater, we also noticed that usually a female cheaters mind will usually make her hate her husband in order to rationalize the affair. Sounds so backwards to me.
Thanks for the information as this is helping my recovery and increased stability in a bunch of irrational information.
Thanks for all the comments. I am back in my "right" mind this morning and after 2 days of my husband not contacting me after OW called, that REALLY spoke of his intentions about me. His words may say one thing but his ACTIONS show a lot different.
DLS,
I appreciate your comments and your train of thought is similar to a Plan A approach when an affair first starts. Similar to be the better option. However; please go back if you have time and read all of my posts. My husband claims to have feelings for me and for OW; my husband has said on several occasions that he plays people like a game to keep from getting hurt himself; my husband has told me that he was living a double life....I am sorry but he is not your 'typical' adulterer. He actually says he gets a thrill from playing this game with people.
This is why Allen (and alot of other veterans on this board) is advising me on not dealing with this man. My own father who is a mental health specialist (with an emphasis on drugs and achohol abuse) has warned me several times that my husband will need serious treatment. I didn't heed the advice of my father and my husband has acted out more and worst as time went on. Husband doesn't really want to be with OW and he doesn't really want to be with me. However, he USES the both of us to get his emotional 'fix' and drains people. Until my husband gets some help I am better off taking myself out of his mind games
Last edited by 4luv; 04/04/1001:57 PM.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Glad you're back to your self- I'm sure the High School BS was not fun...remember that's all OW wants to do to you- get you to flip, file, go nuts...
I'm not surprised that H did not contact you yet, like Allen said- when he does, he'll either act like it never happened, like he had no clue, or have a FANTASTIC story!
DLS- I hope my words weren't taken the wrong way. I've been seeing a lot of good input you offer in other sitches...
It really makes things difficult when the A's are in place- anything else would virtually guarantee some positve changes and motivation for the WAS...UGH
Thanks for all the comments. I am back in my "right" mind this morning and after 2 days of my husband not contacting me after OW called, that REALLY spoke of his intentions about me. His words may say one thing but his ACTIONS show a lot different.
DLS,
I appreciate your comments and your train of thought is similar to a Plan A approach when an affair first starts. Similar to be the better option. However; please go back if you have time and read all of my posts. My husband claims to have feelings for me and for OW; my husband has said on several occasions that he plays people like a game to keep from getting hurt himself; my husband has told me that he was living a double life....I am sorry but he is not your 'typical' adulterer. He actually says he gets a thrill from playing this game with people.
This is why Allen (and alot of other veterans on this board) is advising me on not dealing with this man. My own father who is a mental health specialist (with an emphasis on drugs and achohol abuse) has warned me several times that my husband will need serious treatment. I didn't heed the advice of my father and my husband has acted out more and worst as time went on. Husband doesn't really want to be with OW and he doesn't really want to be with me. However, he USES the both of us to get his emotional 'fix' and drains people. Until my husband gets some help I am better off taking myself out of his mind games
4luv that was an incredibly mature and honest appraisal of your situation. I am really pleased to see this.
I don`t give up on marriage... ever. But i do believe people need to be protected from their spouses in some cases until adequate treatment is sought out and executed fully.
Your husband can learn to work with his illness here and STOP doing what he does, just like drinking or anything else, but its a very difficult process to go through, it requires professional guidance, and it isn`t going to happen on its own.
Your H may be worth working with sometime later, but right now you need to protect yourself first. If you shut him out right now, he will HAVE to go to OW for all of his needs, and you know very well no one person can do that. He will seek out another female to offset OW if you don`t allow him to seek you out anymore. I haven`t given up on him or your marriage, but he needs treatment before you can setup any arrangements with him to reconcile.
It`s just like alcoholism or drug use, if there is a prolonged activity by one of the spouses in the marriage that is destructive to them and or you, it must be addressed as part of the reconcilliation boundary set that`s established by yourself and a FT. Unless he`s willing to get some help you need to keep yourself safe first.
i completely agree allen. things are starting to be very clear. I got a text from husband that simply said "I am sorry 4 what happened. I am trying to clean out my closet."
My MIL stopped by before church and said that she talked to my husband yesterday and he told her about the phone call. She said that husband told her "OW called 4luv." He claims that he told OW that he couldn't do "this" anymore with her and that he is stressed out and just wants to be done with everything. Apparently OW went off and then called me. Husband also told his mom that he wasn't even in OW's state and that he was in our state at work. He told MIL, "4luv knew I was at work. I was talking to her that day at work."
While it is true that I was talking to him earlier that day while he was at work (his bosses were in the background and then I was hold on speaker phone while they were doing a brief meeting check ) it was not at all impossible for him to make the 7 to 8 hour drive to see OW that night. Crazier things have happened!! She was saying that he was saying how him and I were just getting to a point where he felt that we were having honest conversations (this is weird as I have been really reserved when talking to him). So I told MIL, it doesn't matter, the fact is that I don't know whether or not to believe him because I don't trust him. I said that once someone has lied so much you can't trust a thing they say.
In all honesty I think that my husband was in OW's state. Just doesn't add up why he would not have called after he found out that OW contacted me.
and NO, I AM NOT RESPONDING TO HIS TEXTS :-) Just wanted to make that clear :-) NO ACTION = NO RESPONSE FROM ME
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
