Well, here is the deal... back in January I started a VERY strict no contact with my stbxw. It bordered on hateful at times on my part. I pretty much acted like she was a ghost even though she was in the same room.
At that time in Janauary I asked my lawyer when the divorce would be final and she said about 4 to 5 weeks. It is now April and it is still not final. W will owe me half of her 401k and half of her pension- that is all that is left to be settled.
The question is this, do I ask her to speed the divorce to finality or do I wait? I think she has finacial reasons(obviously) for it to not be final but maybe she is afraid for it to be over? Maybe some second thoughts?
I am in a very good state of mind now but I would still love for my family to beat this divorce. I am not afraid any longer of losing my W. I know that for sure. But maybe it is time for me to give it one more DB try?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
So interesting to see others following almost the exact same path as me. About two months ago I started a nearly no contact policy with my W. Just like you, I treat her like a ghost. The only time I see her is during child transition, which I conduct very quickly, I don't look at her, only respond when directly asked a question, and then with one or two words only. She tried in various ways to draw me out, but seems to have given up for now. Has done wonders for my emotional health.
The question is, why is your W delaying the D? Is there any way you can find out? Should you just come out and ask her? Has she shown any signs of trying to reconnect with you?
My w seems to not follow any of the normal behaviour when going dark on her. I go dark, she gives up. A few weeks ago she initiated a conversation with me at one of our bi-weekly divorce support groups for our daughter. She had heard on NPR about a project in the city that I had helped with. I sat and told her all about it and all of the other projects that I had been doing while she sat smiling and listening. That is the only time that she has initiated since febuary?
At the end of the class she told me she was tired and then turned to me and asked me if her eyes were red. I said, "yes, maybe you should use visine." she said that she has one for her purse and one for home. lol. Is she happy at all?
I told her that she does'nt get enough sleep and she said, " I know. I drink too much caffeine too." I think I should ask her about the divorce because I dont want to get kicked in the stomach the day that it does go through and I was not ready for it. I want to be on the ball with it so that I can feel in control of it I guess. Now, how to word it?
Last edited by v1olin; 04/04/1006:00 PM.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I think your W is acting pretty normal. Remember, they decided to leave. They feel they did the right thing for them. When you go dark, they might not like it, but they're not going to give in that easy.
Our situations are similar in that our W's still seem to like us, and enjoy our company, even though they decided to leave. Co-parenting little kids tends to do that. Other situations seem to have much more anger and venom than ours.
The question is, how long can our W's hold out? Last year I was horrible about making my W feel the consequences of her deicision. I did in some little ways, which she hated, but mostly I let her know I was still there for her, and that I'd be a 100% coparent with her. Whereas I'm still committed to coparenting with her, now that only means practical things, as in where, what, and when. Sharing the joy of our son doing well in basketball, or laughing about our daughter doing some cute thing are no longer part of our R. She is on her own now, emotionally. Even better, she thinks I'm now sharing all that with another woman!
I've slowly realized over the last year how instinctively manipulative women are, maybe not all women, and maybe not all the time, but certainly these WAWs. v1olin, even though you'd been dark for a while, when your W started that conversation with you about your project, she was checking if you'd still treat her like a friend, like a partner, and you did. When she asked you if her eyes were red, she wanted a teeny tiny intimate moment with you, and you gave it. A stranger, or even aquaintance, would never ask you to look into their eyes.
I'm amazed at how the WAW can keep going with just these tiny little interactions to assuage their anxiety about the loss of their partner, and I think that's why others here say that ALL contact of that sort has to stop. Only when they've gotten NOTHING for a period of months will they start the feel the real consequences of their actions.
I give my W nothing now. Nothing. I don't look at her, I barely talk to her. I have cut off that bond we shared over the kids, and it's taking its toll. In the past she would have been stomping mad and throwing tantrums over me ignoring her like this, but now she's passive and submissive, and respectful to me. After five days of silence from her, last night she tried to get me to talk on the phone, and when I only gave her a word or two following by silence, she said in a sad and defeated voice "Well... ok... have a nice night then..." I'm so determined to give her nothing I'm actually mad at myself that I replied "You too" before hanging up.
Hmmm, yeah, I hear what you are saying. I have given nothing at all to her for 3 months until that one interaction. I did not act like a puppy dog or lover or whatever. I only acted like I would have with anyone else. I cannot go on for ever acting like a jerk and sulking like a baby - " I am not talking to you because you left me." I will ask her about moving the divorce along faster and I will post back here with her answer.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I believe you didn't give her much. I don't think they need much to assuage their guilt and anxiety. Just you having a friendly moment with her probably meant something to her. I am continually amazed at their oblivious nerve, asking us about our life, and trying to have these little friendly moments. My W tries to do it all the time. The R is skewed and unnatural. I never ask her about her life, so why does she keep asking about mine? The only answer is she is trying to manipulate me to reduce her anxiety.
I don't consider it sulking like a baby. I've just finally come to the conclusion that someone who hurt me and my kids like that, and continues to do so, does not deserve a R with me, at all. Anyone else who hurt my kids like that would be my enemy, so she actually is getting special consideration. I'm not mean, or vindictive, or even cold. I just treat her like a business associate I don't much care for. Just business, nothing more.
I agree future but when would we know that it is time to start showing kindness if the wife never was an initiater? I mean the reason I am here is because we NEVER talked about our issues. I have been soo focused on not starting R talks I have not even started one since June. I have not told her that I loved her in any way, shape, or form since May.
We always hear about the LBS "leading" the WAS back to the marriage. If my goal was to beat the divorce how is going dark "leading" at all? I am just trying to form a plan here for my final try.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
