OK, I m going to try to do all this. It's hard to wrap my head around. All I keep thinking is how happy he said he is without me, imagining him with OW and how he's moved on ....
(((Hope)))
Ok, this is the tough stuff, I think- not like it hasn't been tough til now. We will help you stay strong if you keep posting us updates and all your fears and worries, along with action you're taking so we can cheer you on.
He is LYING- to himself and you. He may not realize how unhappy he is w/out you til after you go dark and ignore him for awhile. When he sees you aren't going to take anymore of his sh** and you are strong without him and in fact, don't need him (or appear not to- you don't, but I know how you want him)- his facade of fake happiness will crumble when he realizes he is alone. This can't happen unless you go dark. Remember how they rewrite history? Mine has done this too. Don't listen to him- he is saying what he perceives to be the most hurtful things to you to do maximum damage b/c he knows- and you have shown him- how to push your buttons. Time to turn those off.
Quote:
and so angry that he didn't giv our marriage more of a chance, more vulnerability, more openess....
and of course this leads me to want to do the opposite of go dark = I want to convnice, plead, etc.
I know better. but the urge is strong today. the pain of losing not only my husband but my son half the time is almost too great.
going dark is the scariest and hardest thing. but i'll try and hope you are all correct...
I can't write much; H is lurking around my computer for some reason and I can't let him see this site. The urge will be very strong and will fade some over time. Is there anyone you can hang out with today that will keep you distracted? I think it's not a great time to be by yourself. You don't know what the future holds for S- and chances are good you would get more custody anyway, given the drugs (I know what L told you, but this has to count against him). Since that's in the future and for now, out of your control, focus on reigning in the panic by doing just the next hour of this day and keeping very busy. Will try to write more later. Thinking of you- have been all weekend.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
The more I think about going dark, the more I want to call H, talk to him. He's shut me out for so many years, I want to try to reach him. I want him to hear me. I feel like if I go dark I"m giving him what he wants - his happy life with his new woman.
I am sitting here right now with the phone in my hand, I'm trying not to call him but I don't know if I can stop.
he's coming over today and spending thte night to be with S. I want to talk -- how am I going to stay away?
H4L, unless it's a true safety issue, I think you should consider H having visitation with S at HIS place.
Please don't phone your H! Write it all down in a letter and DON'T SEND IT!
Last edited by flowmom; 04/04/1005:30 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
ok people i'm just venting my feelings I'm not going to do it. I wanted to put my urge onto this board so you will keep me focussed and you are doing it thank you.
I have the plan to go to my neighbor's tonight and leave h alone.
And follow Gnosis' advice to you. Instead of phoning your H, take a tiny action for yourself right now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H4L:All I keep thinking is how happy he said he is without me
Yeah, he's real happy with his anger attacks, pill popping, freak outs, and compulsion to buy a new plane despite the precariousness of your family's situation.
When going dark, tell yourself you are shaving months off this b.s. Maybe that will help. Some positive motivation to do it. You can't change the outcome by not doing it occasionally. BElieve me!
OK, so I took S to church and to an easter fair - got rained out but I felt better getting out.
got home, phone rang, I totally forgot to not answer - H ALWAYS calls my cell where I can see it's his number - but probably to throw me off called my home phone. Nobody clls my home phone except a few businesses so I didn't expect it to be H.
He threw me off again, saying he wanted to come over at 4:30 even though yesterday he had said he would come over at 1pm. I had felt angry when he didn't call by 1, but I stayed dark and just got on with things and had to explain to my son to my S daddy was "coming later" but as usual, I didn't know. THis happens every weekend.
I should have gotten right off the phone, I failed, sorry.
So when he said is 4:30 ok I calmly said it's not my preference but I can and that I would have to put S on tv for a few hours as I was counting on being free earlier. (I have been literally throwing up this weekend - my parents took S most of the day yesterday). He asked what my preference would be Isaid 3 or 3:30 and he said he couldn't do that.
I said, "OK, if you're not willing to help me it's fine we'll deal with it."
Another mistake.
H starts shouting - "well we all wish we could have things we don't have and if you're going to be hostile and have a pity party..."
Here we were again. So I said "you don't need to insult me."
H said, "there's no insults but if you're going to be..." and I hung up.
I txted and said 4:30 is fine I just wish he could understand how hard it is to take care of a little child when I'm sick.
Well, I will not do that again. Expect him to be reliable, concerned for his child.
2x4s expected - again, I messed up.
RR you are right, as hard as it is, I'll sleep at my neighbor's.
