Ominus Bonus

[tbart01]

Steady I'm glad to see that you're still human, and make mistakes. I agree with your previous post about wanting a miracle rather than needing one. that's a good place to be, but it doesn't make wanting it any easier does it?

i used to think i needed my M to be fixed, but I know I don't. However, i desperately want it to be fixed. Someone other than me would have to make some serious changes for that to happen.

I guess over time things get somewhat easier, but it seems the wanting takes awhile to go away.

[steady]

Steady I'm glad to see that you're still human, and make mistakes. I agree with your previous post about wanting a miracle rather than needing one. that's a good place to be, but it doesn't make wanting it any easier does it?

lol..of course I make mistakes. Plenty of them too. It actually does make the wanting easier. It actually makes it go away.

The thing that makes the wanting hard is if there is a 'needing' attached to it. Imagine you want a new car, but you don't need one. When you think about that car it isn't hard at all to want it but knowing you don't have it. It has no impact on you at all - because you want it, you don't need it, so if you get it or not doesn't really make much of a difference.

That's the difference between owning your wants and not needing it to work out any particular way, and wanting with the flavor of needing.

i used to think i needed my M to be fixed, but I know I don't. However, i desperately want it to be fixed. Someone other than me would have to make some serious changes for that to happen.

I'll call you out on this and say you aren't at that point yet. If you really felt that way you wouldn't write - 'desperately' in the next sentence.

Desperate implies needing, a desperate person is like a person dying of dehydration desperately needing some water. The desperation is the neediness you need to get rid of. That's a component of detaching.

Think about this question:

If you could see the future, and it shows you:


1. You and your W going through this whole process that you are in, and getting back together after you both have grown and improved. You then have a relationship beyond your wildest dreams.

2. You and your W go through this whole process and end up not getting back together. You've changed but your W hasn't. Over some time you meet a woman who turns out to be a much better match for you because you have improved and therefore attracted a more healthy woman. It ends up being a relationship beyond your wildest dreams.

Knowing either one of these as your future, how would you be acting right now? Would you be desperate? Would you be detached knowing that you are destined to be happier than you ever were?

Think about that. Think some more. Imagine it. Close your eyes and see them both. Make it as real as you can in your mind - see, taste, touch, smell. Take your time.

Then come back and answer it.

[whiskey.tango]

I did what I did. I'm trying to find the balance of being who I am and drawing boundaries for the interactions I'm having with her. I need to clarify the boundaries more. I think that would take care of questions like these.

Acknowledge where you are in this R and/or where you want to be. What's best for you to move forward. Since you have children, you'll always have a R with her. At times, you have to move your heart out of the way - acting without expectation.

I just took a philosophy class and one of the things that stuck with me is - treat people as they deserve to be treated. To me this means, don't reward bad behavior, don't overly reward to 'teach' them generosity.

The cool thing about adding a thread to as a watched topic is that we get all posts, even if they're deleted. Stop trying to be so nice. Be fair. Don't worry about setting an example or hoping that she'll treat you kindly in return. That may last for a short while until she gets another bug up her ass.

Do what you believe is the right thing to do for you and your kids. No expectations from her.

WT

[steady]

lol @ deleted posts whiskey. It was funny, because after I saw your reply, the first thing that came to mind was - I wish I had left that post up there to get whiskey's feedback on it. I think it's kind of funny that you mentioned being able to see deleted posts. It always amazes me how when we need the help the most, there's always someone who shows up and gives us exactly what we need.

I was in the shower this morning thinking about it - I was going from, if it was a friend of mine I'd at least send a happy birthday text; did she even acknowledge my bday in Jan; if I don't text does that make me an ass; am I trying to punish her if I don't text; if I do text am I giving her something she doesn't deserve based on her past behavior with me; don't make the decision to illicit some kind of reaction from her; do I choose to still be nice and kind to people who treat me like she has; what does my intuition/gut say (no answer); etc...

I'm not going to even acknowledge her birthday. For no other reason except I really don't feel like it. That was my initial reaction the other day...I felt like I didn't want to.

I just took a philosophy class and one of the things that stuck with me is - treat people as they deserve to be treated. To me this means, don't reward bad behavior, don't overly reward to 'teach' them generosity.

I have to contemplate this statement. For me it's not so much teaching them generosity as deciding to act as I want to act without being a reaction. Me choosing how I wish to be regardless of someone's behavior toward me. But I really need to take a good look at this. I can still act as me but not be overly nice about it.

Sitting here thinking about it a question came up - am I just fooling myself with that? Am I just masking a people pleasing/'I need them to like me' fear inside of rationalizing being an action rather than a reaction? I imagine this is true and is what I'm doing. I can still be an action but treat people as they deserve to be treated - whether that's 'good' or 'bad' treatment.

The really funny thing is last week she asked if I wanted to sleep over the night before Easter (with her in the house too) so we could get up and watch the kids hunt for their Easter baskets. I immediately said no thanks. I reminded her a few months ago I talked to her about her not doing things like that so the kids can have an experience of it and she told me, "What's the point? It's all fake anyway."

I told her to do Easter with the kids and I will do it with them next year. I mean, why would I want to sleep in the house with a woman who tried to get a court order out on my at the end of January? I feel bad my kids miss me being there but I will have plenty of opportunities to be there with them in so many things.

In July I'm taking them to Colorado for my family reunion. My W is taking a cruise with her family and leaving the kids at home. I want my kids to experience these things with me. My W and I are on different pages - to her they would get in the way, to me, I want them to be with me.

Even last night I texted my W to tell her I was going to drop off some Easter eggs I filled up for the kids. She txt back asking if I want to come in and hide them. I told her no. Asked her to put them in their baskets. I just have no desire to do any of this stuff with her. The great thing about it is, it doesn't matter to me.

I need nothing from her. That's really freeing.

Whiskey, what philosophy class did you take? My two passions are philosophy and psychology. I'm going to go back to school to get a Masters in the mental health field - maybe become a psychotherapist. Both are amazing subjects.

Thanks again for your post. I really enjoy and respect your feedback and advice.

I still can't snatch that marble from you're hand..

[whiskey.tango]

It was an intro to philosophy, I'm finishing up my bachelor's degree. The book is The Elements of Moral Philosophy by James Rachels. Just over 200 pages but extremely thought provoking.

I guess my question is what role does your W play in your life right now? It seems co-parenting is your primary role with her. So, as the mother of your children, I think it is great the you get her presents, cards and the like from your children. From you? I would be consistent. It's good to check in with yourself to see if you feel like doing something. However, that may prove to be inconsistent. Get what I mean?

I like that you're taking your kids with you on a trip. Parents are the great teachers, taking them to new places is a good experience for them. Interesting that your W travels without them, but that's her choice.

Your Master's plan sounds great. I, too, really enjoy psychology and philosophy. People are fascinating. I'd thought briefly about doing a psych degree but I'll just keep that as a minor.

You've definitely come a long way. It's good to see how well you're doing.

WT

[steady]

I guess my question is what role does your W play in your life right now? It seems co-parenting is your primary role with her. So, as the mother of your children, I think it is great the you get her presents, cards and the like from your children. From you? I would be consistent. It's good to check in with yourself to see if you feel like doing something. However, that may prove to be inconsistent. Get what I mean?

WT, I am a little confused on this. Let me see if I can follow the bouncing ball.

Right now, the only role I see between my W and I is co-parenting the kids. Most of our interactions are through text messages and email.

I thought a lot about boundaries today. What boundaries I want is basically dictated by the kind of relationship I want to have with my W, which is also affected by the kind of R she wants with me. In other words I she could want to be friends with me, but I may not want a friendship with her, therefore a friendship won't happen.

You are right about my feelings being inconsistent. I have flip flopped on even acknowledging her birthday with a simple text message. It seems rather ridiculous and a total waste of energy on my part. But it is what it is and that's what I have to play with..that's the clay in my hands.

At times I don't even want a friendship with this woman. The way she has treated me over the past two years; her attempt to take out court orders on frivolous incidents; her lying and twisting the truth on her affidavit on the first order attempt; her standing in the way of me getting 50/50 with my kids; the warped way she has painted me to her family and friends; there's just way too much to list. The list goes on and on.

Then there are other times when she is genuinely (that may be up for debate) nice. I am a much better man than she will even acknowledge and I am kind and thoughtful. I think the yardstick I try to use is this - am I doing this because it's what I want to do and it's right for me to do it? Am I doing it to get some kind of 'reaction' from her (manipulative); Am I doing it to strike out and hurt her (vindictive)? Sometimes I can't truly answer that question.

I still sometimes harbor a wish to work through all of this and keep my family together but the reality of it is it would take an act of god for that to happen.

My T asked me yesterday if my W turned around tomorrow would I take her back? I told her I think I wouldn't. I said there would be so many hoops for her to jump through - she would have to acknowledge her part in the R deterioration; she would have to own and fix the issues she brought into the R; she would have to sit down with me and her family and explain how she distorted the truth and painted a picture of me which wasn't reality; she'd have to stop drinking; etc...

The T looked at me and said, "Even then I don't think it would work. I don't think you would take her back. You're not anywhere near the same person you were." I agreed with her on the massive changes I've made.

She also remarked at how far I've come and the way I even discuss the sitch is from a much more balanced and healthy perspective.

Do I want her to turn around and tell me she made a mistake? Do I want her to genuinely own and apologize for the things she has done? (like I did many times in the MC sessions)

The answer is YES. Why do I want this? Sometimes I don't even know. Vindication? A need for validation from her? (I think it's a lot less about this one)

I think I acknowledged her birthday in the best way I know how to right now - I bought a really nice present for her from the kids, I had each one of them make a personalized birthday card with pictures and coloring done by them. So for the R her and I have right now, what I did was spot on.

Right now my connection with her seems to only come through the kids. I don't answer my phone when she calls because I don't really feel like speaking to her. I declined her invitation to stay over the night before Easter because I really have no desire to see her. I don't reach out to contact her unless it has to do with our kids or something to do with the household stuff.

It just seems to be my preference right now. That may change over time but I can't speak for the future.

She has over the past few weeks called me when she could have easily texted and initiated some banter through text messaging.

For now, I'll stay steady on my course and boundary of only information exchange about the kids.

Even last night I had filled some big easter eggs for my kids and txted her I was going to drop them off on the porch. She asked if I wanted to come into the house and hide them. I declined - again, because I really don't want to see her. And to clarify, it's not avoidance because it brings up a sadness or wanting in me, but rather an avoidance because I just don't want to. I hope that makes sense. When I do see her I really don't feel anything at all. No pull, no attraction, no desire. Not even to engage in a conversation.

I'll have to check out that book. I am so fascinated by both subjects and feel they totally intertwine as to become inseparable.

What bachelor degree are you getting? Is it in philosophy or is the philosophy class one of your core requirements?

Thanks again WT. You have often been one of the rocks I lean on.

[steady]

One other thing:

If I had them on today, I would have taken a picture of them with their baskets and recorded them saying, "Happy easter mommy. We love you." and sent the pic and audio to her phone.

She did none of the sort. I had to txt her later on in the day and ask her to have the kids call me so I could wish them both a happy Easter.

I drafted a txt telling her I don't think I should have had to txt her and she should have done what I would have done. I didn't send it (I've learned something along the way..lol). Eventually I decided not to send it because I realized it was just an attempt for me to take a jab at her and really had nothing to do with the kids.

Do I think it would have been common courtesy for her to have done that? Yes. But who am I to expect people to act like me? There's no rule that says that's how it is in the universe. I could have easily texted her this morning and asked for a picture if it really was about the kids.

I do check myself often and try to filter out my own BS when I see it.

[steady]

Fill in to get up to speed.

I got the Forensic report from the Psychologist last week. I didn't even know it was in until my W asked me last Monday if I heard from my lawyer about the recommendation for physical custody. I told her I didn't. She said the reports been in for about a month. I asked her what it said and she told me the recommendation was for every other weekend, Thu to Mon, then Wed overnight, and Tue Thu from 4:00 till bedtime (usually around 8-9). I wasn't too happy about it because I was looking for 50/50.

I told her I wasn't happy about it and she said, "It's more than the standard court guidelines." I told her I didn't care about the court guidelines and what other people get. I said their guidlines are for murderers and child molesters...lol. The minimum guidelines are every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week after school till bedtime.

So I had a really rough Mon afternoon. Tue I came in to work and asked my boss for the day off to get my head together. He's really great so he told me it wouldn't be a problem. I went to my brothers house and fell asleep around 10:30 and woke up at 4:30. When I woke up I was like, "Where the hell has my head been."

When I thought about the schedule I realized I would have my kids for half their awake time. I only had lost 2 overnights over 14 days so it really wasn't bad at all. Instead of 7 overnights I was going to have 5. The report also gave me 50/50 of all holidays and 50/50 for the summer.

When I talked to my L he said he was going to call the psychologist and find out why I'm getting 50/50 for the summer and holidays and not 50/50 during the school year. He said he was also going to ask why he set us up for a 50/50 rotation (which we are doing now) and then changed it. My L said he is still going to try and negotiate 50/50 or very close to it. So we'll see where that goes. I'm meeting with him Wed to get more details on the report.

He did tell me the Psych wrote in the report about my W having a drinking issue with a dependency on alcohol. My L said we could have it stipulated in sep agreement that she can't drink and no alcohol allowed in the house.

The psych also said I would be more able to co-parent because my W holds the perspective she can do no wrong and I can do no right. When I heard that it was vindication for me. This is something I've been telling my W for 8 years now. That she is a fault finder and always has to find something wrong with how I am or how I do things. If it's not done her way she thinks it's being done wrong. It was the source of a lot of our problems.

He also talked about my issues - the bipolar, OCD issues and I get impatient and verbally aggressive. These are all issues I already know about and am actively working on in T.

He also wrote my D is closer to my W and my S needs me more in his life. That was nice to hear. He also said my kids don't really care which house they would be in and they only care about being with us.

Last week I asked my W why the psych gave her prim custody and she said because he put in his report that she gives them more structure. When my lawyer said the kids need structure I told him my W said the report indicated she can give them more structure. He said it doesn't say that, only that they need more structure because of their age. Go figure. She actually lied (sarcasm). Like that hasn't happened a lot over the past 2 years.

So all in all it wasn't too bad. It was really nice it only took me a day to get my feet back under me. I can see real growth in me.

The other thing I decided was I was going to let go of all my anger. Like my C says, anger is a poison we drink while waiting for the other person to die. After I made that decision the anger disappeared - just like that.

The past two weeks I've been sending barbs over to her and taking shots at her once in a while. Mostly over issues she has and how she's still doing the same stuff. After I send them over I feel a short lived sense of 'power' but then I start to reconsider it. I'm not that guy and I never have been. I've never been vindictive or one to strike out even if people seem to be treating me like crap. Not that I don't draw boundaries and stand up for myself, but rather I don't take a vindictive stance where I have to seek some sort of vengeance.

So I decided not to act that way and I'll be an action rather than a reaction. It's a learned process. So now I'm going to keep my balance and not be sarcastic or belligerent.

I had an opportunity to practice it over the weekend in a text fest with my W. She pulled some crap about her thinking she should be the kids ground and I should see them as much as possible. I indicated to her she keeps taking the stance that the kids' time is something for her to give out. I reminded her I was their father and she didn't have the power to control how much time I can see them. I told her the psych put into his report about her thinking she can do no wrong and I can do no right and showed her how she was exhibiting that behavior right now with what she said.

I also told her we need to work on the issues the psych pointed out because they affect our ability to parent and co-parent. There were many opportunities to be sarcastic and throw some barbs in but I didn't. To tell you the truth, after it was all done I felt a lot better than when I had taken some shots at her.

Without that anger I don't feel the need to strike back and that's a nice thing. I feel taking the high road will keep my dignity in tact.

There's other stuff but I'll end it here for now. If you've read this far I commend you and you get a gold star and a happy face sticker...lol.

[steady]

So yesterday I had my meeting with my lawyer to discuss the psychologists report. It actually turned out better than I expected.

The lawyer basically summarized the different points in the report hw thought was important. Neither my W nor I can actually get a copy of the report or even read it. Only our lawyers can look at it.

I was very pleased with the assessment the psychologist did. He nailed my W's issues to a T. He said she has an alcohol problem and recommended her to go to treatment for it. He identified her exaggeration and embellishment issue. He also talked about how my W thinks she can do no wrong and I can do no right. He also said she basically treats me like I'm a child. lol

These are all issues I have brought up to her throughout our relationship so it's no surprise to me. I'm just glad the psychologist was able to see them and report on them.

The psych said I would be a better co-parent because of my W's issue where she thinks it's her way or the highway. He said she would be less cooperative in a co-parenting role.

The psychologist talked about some of my things - the bipolar, but he said with the right meds my mood would be stable, he indicated some OCD issues, and also that I am impatient and can be verbally aggressive. All issues I already am aware of and working on.

He also said my D is more attached to my W and my S is more attached to me. He said my S enjoys my temperament more because we are more similar.

The psych also gave me 50/50 physical custody over the summer and the Christmas and Easter breaks. This kind of baffled my L because he wondered why I have 50/50 for those and not 50/50 during the school year.

At the end of Jan while we were still both in the house my W and I had an argument. I was in my room laying on my bed with my laptop on my lap. The argument ended when she left my room. She then returned a few minutes later and restarted the argument. Unbeknownst to me she had a tape recorder on her. I told her to leave my room a few times but she just stood there talking. I started to tell her to get the f*&k out of my room. Then she said, "Do you realize you are saying all this with your daughter right here?"

My D was just outside my door. She took that tape recording and sent it to the psychologist. Well, my L said it worked against her. The psych said she could have just left the room when I asked her to, or at least taken my D downstairs. He commented that my language and demeanor was inappropriate, which it was, but said my W was basically using my D as a pawn to get something on me. So the psych saw my W's behavior as very inappropriate. So that was a good thing because I wondered how that would look.

The psych also said my W was immature with her attitude about acting like everything is everyone else's fault.

The psych recommended my W get treatment for the alcohol dependency and he also said my W and I should go to counseling to work on the issues where she thinks she can do no wrong - to help us co-parent. I really don't see that happening but who knows.

Basically my L said we'll tell them to give me 50/50 or sue for D. There is no legal action and so far everything we have done has been voluntary. My L said she has no grounds for a D so lets put the pressure on them. My W also has a past which she doesn't want to come up so that may work against her.

So overall the meeting went very well and I was pleased with the psych assessment of the issues.

Yesterday I had my S and we went out to dinner. We came home and played ball in the yard. I pitched wiffle balls to him and he hit. I took a picture of him with the bat and sent it to my W. I constantly do stuff like that although she doesn't reciprocate.

My S said he likes hanging with me better than my W and it was nice to hear that. Although I know he like being with her too. It's just that we do different things than what he does with her.

We were originally going to swap and I was going to take my D and she was going to take my S. But the two of them fussed so much we kept it the way we usually do Wed's.

Today I had both kids. I took my D to get a manicure and pedicure at the local salon. She was totally pampered. Feet in the jacuzzi water, lotion on her feet and legs with a massage, same with her hands. She had a really good time. My S was great. The girl who did my D let my S put his feet in the other jacuzzi bath and he sat there for a while. She was really good to my kids.

I sent my W about 3 pictures of my D getting her toes and fingers done. I always try to do that so my kids feel she is included in these things. I tell them I am sending the pictures and they often record something to go with the pictures.

After that we went to Friday's for dinner. We came home and I got them ready for bed. While at the restaurant I txt my W to tell ask her if she minded giving them a bath tomorrow when she has them since we were running kind of late. She said it wouldn't be a problem. I did this for her a few weeks ago when she had them on a Thurs and couldn't get around to a bath.

Anyway that's the update for now.

[steady]

Where oh where is my WT, oh where oh where can she be?