What would I do during this time of painful separation from my H if I did not have the unintentional comic relief from my father??
My father is hilarious. However, it is important to note that he does not mean to be funny. He is also not attempting in any way to be funny. Thank goodness he is, though. I might not make it otherwise.
My father called me last night to check in about our Easter lunch plans at my grandmother's house. I asked him how he felt about my saying that H was with his grandmother's house. He said, "Ain't it terrible to tell such a story?" Then he said, "Yeah, I like that one. That sounds good." Evidently it doesn't bother him too much to tell such a story!
He starts in then on, "He's not coming? You mean to tell me he's not coming to Easter dinner?" [Please also imagine the volume of his voice increasing here.] I told him that I did not tell H or invite him, but in keeping with the typical interactions with my father, he does not hear this. "I can't believe he's just not gonna come." I try again to explain that H does not know about the lunch, but he just talks over me until I decide to be quiet.
My father continues his building outrage by saying, "Has he even brought you an Easter present?" I respond that I have not received an Easter gift from H but also that I do not expect one. Just as a side note, I have NEVER received elaborate gifts from H for Easter, so I don't know why I would this year. This lack of gift-giving really gets him going, though. He continues, "You mean to tell me that he didn't send you any flowers for Easter? He ain't even made you an Easter basket? Nothing?? That's terrible. It just ain't right." Again, as a side note, H has NEVER sent me flowers for Easter or made me an Easter basket. We've done small gifts, but never anything like my father has just described.
And then, as if on cue, the old, familiar refrain starts. "Just when is he planning on coming home? Huh? HUH?? How long is he gonna stay away? Have you talked to his mother to find out what's wrong with him? I bet you haven't, have you? Why not? Huh? What is he so sad about? When is he coming back? Do you think he'll ever come back? Do you? Why don't you know?"
Of course, he'd be remiss if he didn't include my personal favorites: "Throw all his $h!+ in the yard and tell him to come get it. Every bit of it. Give him two hours notice to get a U-Haul. Throw it all out there. Watch the weather forecast for when it's gonna rain, and put it out there then. Tell him he doesn't have much time before the rain starts, so he better hurry. But don't throw his Bowflex out there. I'll take that. Heh heh heh. I want that." [Another important note: my 60-year-old pot-bellied father is not an athlete. I don't know that he's ever touched a Bowflex. His primary concerns have always been counting every nickel he has and making sure he has a steady supply of rare red meat, brown liquor (Kentucky or Tennessee brands preferred), and things to complain and/or raise his voice about (e.g., taxes, banks, the weather, how hard I am on cars, how I think money grows on trees, his lunatic brother, my grandmother's wacky boyfriend, or his employees' inability to match his fervor for repairing diesel engines).]
He did not include the line about changing the locks, which was slightly disappointing. I'm sure I'll hear it soon, though, so I'm not worried.
This day with my family promises to be full of comedic possibilities. I also may consider jumping out a window after spending time in the same room as lunatic uncle and grandmother's boyfriend. They don't know it, but they're actually competing to see who is the more offensive and culturally insensitive. It's very likely that the volume of this beloved gathering will be unbearable. Not only does my father get louder and listen to no one's responses to his questions, but lunatic uncle and grandmother's boyfriend are also unnaturally loud. I don't own a pair of earplugs, but I will take my iPod with me. I also may be "inspired" to go outside for long stretches of time and admire the foliage.
I'm going to pray for strength. I'm going to need it.
