Messed up

[cat04]

Confronted it and H became distant and threw me out of bedroom literaly when I was sleeping one night.

Ended up in domestic violence.

said he hated me and he wasnt my husband anymore. Then would say he was sorry then would say ugly stuff again

our children watching all this while leaving he became physical with me

He felt the only way was to have a divorce so I could never put him in jail for domestice violence again. He was "afriad of me" messing up our only income and lifestyle WE had made over the past 16 years.

I used a trash can with a liner to put the clippings in and he saw it and kicked the can and yelled at me to leave that he couldnt be around me.

,he aplogized and said that his anger toward me was more and I just had a way that I agreveate him just by being around (not doing anything to cause this)

Now he constantly says he could have gotten over the first arrest but the second time after he begged me not to ever do it again..He said that I was worse than his Stepmom for that.

Jt,

These are all your words. These are all of your H’s actions and words to you, that you have recorded here.

There are examples of physical violence and examples of verbal and emotional abuse.

I got the judge to dismiss the case saying I was mentally messed up at the time.

I begged and cried for forgivness...not sure why..except I wanted my husband back.

Jack, looking back he has always had an "anger" prob. towards me and yes its been physical sometimes. But I overlooked a lot because of excuses of bad parenting from his childhood and not haveing coping skills.

I told him that I would do whatever would make him feel like he would get to have a great life and move past the negative feelings he had for me. I didnt want our family to die.

I think I made the sitch WORSE for us though. When he was arrested Twice. Because I wasnt going to put up with his anger and ANY violence towards me (this comes from my past childhood, my father was arrested many times)

I have already apologized and showed him that I didnt have to go to the DA to get it dismissed.

I feel like I gave him his excuse to be ugly to me, which is what he needed all along!

These are also your words. These are your actions and words and feelings regarding his abusive treatment toward you.

These are all classic responses from a woman or person who has been in an abusive relationship.

I don’t doubt that there are many many more stories like this from throughout your marriage.

You did NOTHING wrong in protecting yourself. Just because HE cannot handle the consequences of HIS actions, that is NOT your problem.

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his anger. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for ruining what you have built together. You are NOT RESONSIBLE for him being unable to control himself and believe me, he needed no excuse to behave the way he has. He just wants you to feel like it is your fault.

I am sorry for being so blunt. If I am wrong, please forgive me, and please let us know, but you have shown a pattern here and admitted that it isn’t the first time, or even the second.

why do I feel like its MY Crisis...

I dont think I need to focus on his anger. I believe I need to focus on what weakness I might have to overcome..so I am not so vonerable to his anger as to take it so personal.

This is ONE of the reasons you feel like this is your crisis.

Because you are facing some very hard truths here. Truths about him, yourself and your relationship.

While you are correct in not wanting to be so vulnerable to his anger…

Do not get to that point just to be able to “endure” his anger…Because you will only be able to do that for so long until you fall back into an old pattern.

When you find that strength that you can say, I do NOT deserve this and I WILL NOT be treated like this anymore, and I AM NOT responsible for his anger and I won’t accept him making me responsible for it any longer…

Not just, I know how to “diffuse” this…

you may feel differently about the entire situation.

Because he WILL need to change this part of him. YOU are not the ONLY one who needs to make changes.

However, you are the only one you CAN change.

You can’t change your H. You can’t get him to want to change.

But you CAN change you…