How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

Easter baskets are filled. Eggs are "hidden," and I wait for kids to come home this evening.....I'm trying very hard to not regret my decision to decline H's suggestion that the kids spend last night with me (his weekend). I would have loved to have them here, but I always want them here. I declined because I didn't want him to feel like he was doing me a favor. I didn't want to do one more thing to make it appear that we are just living in separate houses. This is his weekend. This is what divorce will look like. THIS is what he wants----and I can't be his friend now. I can't pretend that this is what I want. It's time to set those boundaries. Boundaries I should have set a long time ago.....but just KNEW if I acted the way he wanted---pretended that we were JUST living in different houses----he would return to me and our family.

I so wish he would have taken the kids to see his mother for Easter. She came for a visit in November, but she does not drive in bad weather so didn't come up here for Christmas. He tried to go get her (once), but had car trouble.....and so she didn't come at all over the holidays. He hasn't seen his mother---the kids haven't seen their grandmother in over 5 months. The weekend was softball/baseball free......it would have been a perfect time, but he knows how she feels about what he is doing and can't face her now.

I got a lot done yesterday. I got the mini-van we live in cleaned out (finally). I picked up limbs around the yard for over an hour. I could have picked up limbs for a lot longer----so many trees damaged by the long, icy winter. I took the gas cans in to town and filled them. Filled the mower......and found that the battery was dead. I had just had it serviced. Why did they not suggest it was time for a battery?? Luckily, I'm not helpless....I put the charger on for about 30 minutes, started it up and mowed. First mow of the season has been done.

As the divorce moves forward, I have many questions about finances. I have no idea how I will end up. How long can I stay in my home?? The work involved with upkeep and maintenance is overwhelming. This was supposed to be OUR home. It was a dream when we moved in. I completed the major remodel WE had planned last year thinking H would return. I've lived here longer than anywhere in my life. It is my kids home. How long can I keep up? Can I afford to stay? So may questions...... Last week H referred to our HOME as "your house" in a text message.