H4L, I have read your Last 10 pages--in 20 pages I haven't seen any signs of you Dbing? Did I miss them?
What is your H's LL? What are your 180s? Have you ever gone dark and mysterious?
I see a lot of "he said this" (in anger) and "you said this" in return (usually in anger). There should be very LITTLE said on your end. You are expecting a rational discussion with someone not rational. In reality, there is practically NOTHING to be said to him right now--save your breath (and sanity!)
i've been afraid of H's anger and that is why i've been here every minute when he's with S
my 180s were not calling not initiating R talks walking away from arguments - which i did so so in
and the LL was to spend quality time and words of appreciation but H wouldn't even let me near him for months then I tried that QT and WOP his mind was already made up, he has someone els for that now - I could keep it up but boy do i feel like a doormat
H4L, I agree that it's time to go dark. DBing means protecting yourself first with appropriate boundaries. I agree with Gnosis, he has manipulated you . He didn't disclose OW or narcotic abuse until a short time after you signed the legal separation agreement.
Try to sleep now, or watch something distracting. You've had enough for one day.
(((H4L)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
That's not good. It is MUCH harder to do this with someone with an addiction. It will still work for you and your sanity, but...that is not a good thing to hear. I'm so sorry.
I was wondering how you could have so many pages and not have much result. Their addiction makes it nearly impossible to DB.
Flowmom is right--you need to go dark. You need to detox from this guy--he is not going to be able to be what you want until he is not using.
And congrats on your positives!!! Got any good recipes to share?
To clarify LauraOh, H4L's H is using painkillers and it's not clear the extent of his use. I am making some assumptions about how this is affecting the sitch but of course I don't really know.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/04/1005:25 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If there is any chance there is substance abuse, it's not good.
I still say go as dark as possible. They cannot process their anger in normal ways. Validating isn't too successful with these types. Let him take it out on OW if there is one (one nice thing about going dark--he will have to vent on someone else).
H disclosed after the separation agreement was filed that he takes a non addictive anti anxiety pill, busperone, every day. He does not see a doctor to monitor this because he doesn't want his pilot's license revoked. I worry but don't know if this means that drug could be or is abused, or responsibly taken. without a doctor's monitoring, there's no way to know.
then he admitted he has four different kinds of anti anxiety drugs of the addictive kind that he's ordered without prescription - off the internet? a dealer? I don't know. One time a package of pills came to the house (for some reason he still gets his mail here). He claims to only use these when he's having "an attack" what I consider anger problems, what he refers to as "anxiety attacks". He has a few times let me know that he is calmer (hours after an anger attack) because he "took a pill."
Again, since these are addictive, I do not know if it's possible or probable that he can use these sparingly. Without a doctor's prescription, again, I"m concerned.
Finally, he said he started two years ago (when our problems started) taking my vicodin that I had left over from my C-section three years earlier. I was given these, but I am firmly against drugs and basically recovered from surgery and birth on advil!
He claims he used these to 'numb out' but a few days later when confronted again about this, he claims he only took "20 pills over the course of a year." Again, I do not know. Since they are addicting, and since they were not prescribed to him for physical symptoms, I do not know what this means. Self medicating seems suspicious to me anyhow.
Then the awful part. last week when he was admitting the drug use - he said he used the vicodin to "numb out from the nightmare of our marriage". But then since he left me a year ago, he has used narcotics and LOVES THEM for recreation. He says it's like you feel no pain and also you are being distracted by a really happy hallucination.
He admitted to only getting a few at a time, from family members possibly friends who had extras lying around. He admitted to me it is a good thing he can't get his hands on a steady supply because he loves it so much he could see how addicting it can be.
When I asked him how often he does narcotics for recreation, he claimed twice per month.
Now I do not know whether I believe him If he is telling the truth, I still don't know if this qualifies as an addiction. I wish I knew, so that I could better grasp what I'm dealing with here.
On FM's point - he did tell me twice about OW a long time ago and he hasn't said anything since. Once he admitted last august to having a way better sexual experience with a woman which showed how messed up our (practically zero sex life marriage) was.
A month or two later I had a panic attack and called him to ask about this person if she was still around. He said it was none of my business at first. And I had been trying to get him into Counselling to work on our M and said he can't go if he's still seeing her and he said he would not still stop seeing her.
Nothing was ever said again, we started therapy and it looked like we were doing really well. So I never asked. He never said.
So I think partly I hid the truth from myself by not asking more.
And he did not come up front with me either.
You have to understand and I'm sure you do - so many things are said out of spite, vidictiveness, verbal abuse, that are later changed, taken back, rewritten. I convinced myself that this statement was one of those cases. But the voice in my head always told me he still had her. I didn't know whether that was paranoia either. EVeryone who knows us said he would never do that kind of thing. So..was I misled? Yes. Did I allow myself to not know? Yes.
I think anxiety attacks CAN be anger attacks for men. I don't think that's b.s.
He may need an AD AND an anti-anxiety, but you can't make him stop ordering meds off the internet or wherever. He may be right about his pilot's license, which provides an awful incentive for this self-doctoring. His admitting he needs psych help but will only do it himself in secret is very controllign approach to his whole mental health issue.
The vicodin stuff, if stated frequency is true, is worrisome. Once again, is it true? And is he mixing it with whatever anti-anxiety pills he's getting off the internet?
I don't know what to say about OW. I would ask IC about this drug issue. You could try to bring up OW topic in a calm way another day and say you are just ready for the truth, no matter what it is and hope you hear the full extent and gauge whether or not it sounds true. Remind him the separation agreement is signed, what does it matter? You just want to know so you can move forward. ?
Even when you do get a fuller picture, you may not know for weeks what you should do. You might lose too much respect for him after this latest round of shenanigans. I don't know. Hope you get some rest this week.
. He didn't disclose OW or narcotic abuse until a short time after you signed the legal separation agreement.