H disclosed after the separation agreement was filed that he takes a non addictive anti anxiety pill, busperone, every day. He does not see a doctor to monitor this because he doesn't want his pilot's license revoked. I worry but don't know if this means that drug could be or is abused, or responsibly taken. without a doctor's monitoring, there's no way to know.
then he admitted he has four different kinds of anti anxiety drugs of the addictive kind that he's ordered without prescription - off the internet? a dealer? I don't know. One time a package of pills came to the house (for some reason he still gets his mail here). He claims to only use these when he's having "an attack" what I consider anger problems, what he refers to as "anxiety attacks". He has a few times let me know that he is calmer (hours after an anger attack) because he "took a pill."
Again, since these are addictive, I do not know if it's possible or probable that he can use these sparingly. Without a doctor's prescription, again, I"m concerned.
Finally, he said he started two years ago (when our problems started) taking my vicodin that I had left over from my C-section three years earlier. I was given these, but I am firmly against drugs and basically recovered from surgery and birth on advil!
He claims he used these to 'numb out' but a few days later when confronted again about this, he claims he only took "20 pills over the course of a year." Again, I do not know. Since they are addicting, and since they were not prescribed to him for physical symptoms, I do not know what this means. Self medicating seems suspicious to me anyhow.
Then the awful part. last week when he was admitting the drug use - he said he used the vicodin to "numb out from the nightmare of our marriage". But then since he left me a year ago, he has used narcotics and LOVES THEM for recreation. He says it's like you feel no pain and also you are being distracted by a really happy hallucination.
He admitted to only getting a few at a time, from family members possibly friends who had extras lying around. He admitted to me it is a good thing he can't get his hands on a steady supply because he loves it so much he could see how addicting it can be.
When I asked him how often he does narcotics for recreation, he claimed twice per month.
Now I do not know whether I believe him If he is telling the truth, I still don't know if this qualifies as an addiction. I wish I knew, so that I could better grasp what I'm dealing with here.
On FM's point - he did tell me twice about OW a long time ago and he hasn't said anything since. Once he admitted last august to having a way better sexual experience with a woman which showed how messed up our (practically zero sex life marriage) was.
A month or two later I had a panic attack and called him to ask about this person if she was still around. He said it was none of my business at first. And I had been trying to get him into Counselling to work on our M and said he can't go if he's still seeing her and he said he would not still stop seeing her.
Nothing was ever said again, we started therapy and it looked like we were doing really well. So I never asked. He never said.
So I think partly I hid the truth from myself by not asking more.
And he did not come up front with me either.
You have to understand and I'm sure you do - so many things are said out of spite, vidictiveness, verbal abuse, that are later changed, taken back, rewritten. I convinced myself that this statement was one of those cases. But the voice in my head always told me he still had her. I didn't know whether that was paranoia either. EVeryone who knows us said he would never do that kind of thing. So..was I misled? Yes. Did I allow myself to not know? Yes.
