Oh, absolutely, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say until Retro. That wouldn't even begin to allow detox, because he'd just be waiting every second for the moment to come.
NO contact is always permanent... zero contact with FULL transparency. He needs to own the affair and end it completely..
There is dispute on your thread here about whether to confront with others in the room or in private... my advice is to have a few other close people present to witness and speak up on your behalf...
It's all up to you though.. there's debates on both sides.
Well, Easter is a day that now lives in infamy in my family. My FIL and I started off by taking the one hour drive down to see OWH. He was floored. Didn't know what hit him. I advised him to take 48 hours to let it sink in before reacting and gave him one of my DR books. (I keep several as I've handed them out frequently over the years) He's on board, just needs to get over the shock... come to find out he went to a St. Patty's day party with OW/his W and caught her making out with another man in the basement. And oh, yes, all those times she asked about us owning two houses? Well, it turns out OW and OWH are moving and taking a roommate to help pay off some of the enormous debt they have. Someone's looking for a meal ticket. Will have to use that factoid that we have no money when I expose to her...
I then proceeded to tell H's best friend his whole life, and he is totally on my side, will NOT support the A.
I tried contacting our best man, but he didn't want to see me, so I emailed him. At that point, contact had been made and DH would have been told, so I felt I had to finish what I started. Either way it would have been bad, so at least I got out what I needed to get out. I also emailed best man's friend, another in our circle. Those two may not see my side, but at least they've heard it. I did let them know that if H and I work it out, I want to have no hard feelings between us all and all I'm asking is that they do not accept or facilitate the infidelity.
Then I spent Easter with the kids and his mom having a nice time. H was moody, knew there was something going on because MIL and FIL and I kept disappearing to the "store" - once to buy kids candy, once to get a new lock put on the apt (let's see them try to get in tonight), once to buy dinner... but he was so suspicious because, as you know, cheaters think everyone is dishonest... anyway, that was the day/evening.
Of course, I had promised H we'd have a talk last night, so all I did was get ready for bed, wait for us to be ready to sleep, and I said to H "I have four sentences. I know about your infidelity. It's hurting me, the kids and your family. I want you to stop it immediately. I want to work on our M."
Then I turned to go to sleep. He asked "that's it?" and I said yes, (as an "afterthought" added) but I just don't know what you see in a woman who is cheating on her H with two men. I heard the silence and started to go back to sleep. About 5 minutes later I heard, "OK, explain that last part." So, I said "well, she's cheating on her H with you and (name inserted). You forgot that you left me along for some time at your high school reunion to hang with her and I met some people there. I know what's been going on in OW's life also." Now, I know he knows about this other man, but she lied to him and told him that he kissed her and it was a mistake and she told him to back off. What really happened from what I was told by OWH was that he caught her in full blown make out session with this man. In any case, dog was asking to be let out and so I let him out and came back to the bedroom and DH went on the attack. He said I want you to explain your evidence for what you said. I asked "all of it?" and he said yes, and I said "I don't think I feel that it's my responsibility to explain anything. You know what the truth is." This made him very, very angry. I think he was fishing for more info on what and how I knew about the other man I just introduced into the conversation moments before. I wasn't going to play into his button pushing. So, he said (in an angry tone) "you think there's still something in this M to save?" to which I replied "oh, yes" and then he said (still angry) "I promised to go to this marriage seminar and after I learn to communicate (sarcastic) maybe then I can tell you what's been going on and we can see if there's something to save." I said OK and finally just went to sleep. Totally unwilling to engage him in any argument.
The bomb I laid down clearly affected my H as he seemed to get no sleep last night. I slept like a rock.
I did not call OW yet as I promised OWH I would not do it on Easter as she was with his 96 year old grandmother at his family's house and he was worried how it would affect her. I agreed, but plan on calling today. I do plan to use what I found out from her H to let her know that we're filing bankruptcy, and the houses are in my name, DH has no money and this is not his first A. I have created a small crack in the foundation and now I see it and am going to work at that crack until they're fighting and/or separated entirely.
Not sure if you should even contact OW. OThers can chime in but if YOU contact her, it elevates her importance in your life (IN HER MIND). I would see if she contacts you. OW in my stitch contacted me this past weekend and I FELT SO GLAD THAT I never went through with calling her. Now, she and my husband look like highschoolers playing these games.
However, if talking to OW in your case is part of your exposure then nevermind what I wrote above. Just wanted to give you another perspective on YOU contacting the OW.
Remember at the end of the day you always want to be able to hold your head high and say that you did the RIGHT thing at all times.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Well, Easter is a day that now lives in infamy in my family...
Damn that's a good read
Earlier posts are spot on Pass, don't tell him where you got the info.. he's just going to lock it down if you tell him or dismiss it if you show him any print outs. He just wants to defend his territory now, you can't win that battle so just back away from it.
OW and contact? If you think it will do damage to the affair and break those two up I am all for it... but be careful as OP can be very arrogant when you confront them, and you won't get an ounce of pity.
Excellent work though... excemplary confrontation there.
Thanks everyone! Four whistles, I'm honored Puppy. This is my script for her. She may or may not have read H's emails by now knowing that I know, so the element of surprise may be gone... but this is what I planned on saying. Trying to keep it friendly at the beginning to throw her off so I can get it all out... and say in a non-needy way that (1) we've been intimate, (2) he has no assets, (3) he's done this before, you are not special.
I had wanted to call you a few weeks ago and apologize for the thoughts I had had about you. You see, H is a cheater, it’s a pattern with him. And when he befriended you, I thought you were the next affair waiting to happen. He tells these girls they’re his soul mate, he loves them, he buys them a necklace as a symbol of their love, he tells them he’s going to marry them. H and I are having financial problems now – he likes to spend money we don’t have and he has not been taking care of our apartment house, so we’re filing bankruptcy and losing the house. He’s stressed about that. As an example, in the midst of us trying to dig ourselves out of over $75k in debt, not counting the houses, he’s looking to buy a new car and a motorcycle. It looks bad on my credit especially since both houses are in my name.
In any case, some of his friends that he confided in told me what was really going on. So, now I’m calling you to say, leave my husband alone. You’re hurting our entire family, and you have your own marriage with a husband that loves you to work on. Not to mention that now I have to go get tested again for STDs, which really sucks. I hope you were smart enough to use condoms.
Little advice for you, go back to your husband, admit what you did, apologize and work on your marriage.
When you bring up your family give details. Your children's names, their relationship wtih their father etc.
Does OW have children btw?
I would list all your financial info for her :
List the total debt and everything like an accountant. Say "if you are after his money, he has none... zero"
Not sure if you had a prenup with him, but if you did mention that too.... You don't need to accuse her of gold digging, just tell her
1. If you want his love, you're a fool, he's used women before, he gets bored with them all eventually
2. If you want his money, he has none, here's our finances
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That way you have a chance of her listening... if you accuse her of anything she wont listen to you.. if you are calm and serious, she won't be nice, but she will be more apt to HEAR what's being said.
If you write it this way you aren't suggesting anything outright... just implying it. YOu need to be gentle... you need to be or she wont even hear you.
