WAW/MLC/Runner

[Jasmine]

How has this been different from the way you left your Marriage ?
I ran from H 5 times and OM 4 times. This time I actually am preparing myself for communication with OM.

The way you decided to leave your Marriage ?

communication

Do you feel that this was a choice that you made?

A conscious choice to end your marriage ?

Or was this a burning desire to act on what you felt was missing in your life, and that you felt your spouse was not giving to you?

Those questions run into one another. It was a choice I made, SEVERAL years ago to leave my marriage. I had told my H things were not working and that we needed some help. He didn't hear it or wanted to. I tried to express to my H that I wanted a career and wanted to go back to school but travels wouldn't allow it. So, the next step, put up the walls of not working on the marriage, to just exist, and start to get things rolling on my end on what I needed done. I needed to put away money for my move. I needed to finish up business obligations. At this point in my life, OM was a friend. My EA started in 2007.

During this point, we are living in a 2 bedroom apartment above my IL. My H's job sites were close to home so I became a prisoner. EVERYONE knew where I was or what I was doing and would report back to H not on purpose just general conversation. IL, the construction crew, the neighbors, etc. I needed something for myself. It was MY turn to pursue my career, my schooling, my interests but I had surrendered so much control to H that by then it was too late. I became insecure and mousy. H was used to making all the decisions and when I finally made a decision it was too late, he already decided for himself what we were doing or what I was doing. Because he was the money maker, I allowed that control.

I have had oppurtunity to speak to several MLCers that have come through the tunnel, and all of their stories, while being different, still have the same aspects to them.....

That they knew what they were doing was wrong , but that they could not change the path they were on.

That this destruction HAD to happen for them to see that what they were missing did not come from the outside. And to look inside of themselves was NOT an option until what they felt was causing their unhappiness was removed from their lives.

I did not know that what I was doing was wrong till the day I left. By then, I was literally psycho woman and no one could talk me out of anything. I had the right brain left brain fighting me. YES, wholeheartedly agree this HAD to happen for me to take a good look at myself. H said the same thing. That this had to happen for him to see what he was doing to me and how selfish he had been behaving. I truly believe he is changing as well.

Jas....YOU are on a good path right now for you....

THANK YOU! I feel good but depression is now starting to get the best of me. I am doing my damnedest to fight it.

And once again, please say if you are overwhelmed.

Not overwhelmed. You ask me deep questions that energize me, give me strength and motivation

Have a great Easter...

Thank you. You too