(((Hope))) - I hope you got some sleep today. I am at my most vulnerable when I'm sleep-deprived, don't know about you. I'm going to reply to a few things, take what is helpful; ignore what is not.
Re: your comment about "keeping hope". This must feel so hard- I want to hope, too, but as days pass I'm realizing I can't only hang onto that, I have to be much more active for myself and my D, making us whole in case we have to fly on our own, while keeping options open, as hard as that is. Hoping almost implies that we're sitting and waiting for something to change- maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but it puts us squarely back in the "waiting to see if they come back and work on things, while we feel powerless" corner. Reacting off of them instead of changing the dynamic ourselves, for ourselves.
What if you put aside hoping and waiting to see what he does, what he has to offer, for awhile (not give it up, just not make it a focus now) and focused on healing you and your S, protecting yourself from H's verbal abuse and began to build a safe, nurturing space for yourself from which to operate- a position of strength? This involves a big 180, I think. Rallying your troops around you- friends, family, getting that IC to talk to, etc. and doing whatever it takes to make Hope whole and happy right now. It's also hard to have hope or to feel optimistic about it when we're not first focusing on self-care- once you do and feel ready, you can tackle the other stuff, whatever you want.
Btw, "rallying the troops" (that's what I'm doing now- I have a mental picture of my "troops"- family and friends, therapist, pretty much all women- you know that famous drawing of the woman in Revolutionary France with her blouse falling down, holding up the torch? That's us, rallying to battle :-). They're with me when I need strength, either in my mind or for real- you need your own army, too!) also means being with people who will vocally and repeatedly combat the negativity of H. He tells you you're untrustworthy (so does mine)? Be with people who trust you and tell you that. Get some positive messages flowing in to drown out the bad, untrue stuff, or you'll get sucked into believing it.
I don't know about the GF, but I agree with some others that stuff like this can be said out of anger and spite. If you can, put it in that category- he said it to hurt you, no matter whether it's true or not. It was a below the belt hit and totally uncalled for. It's bullying, like a lot of stuff he does to you. Bullies have no self-esteem and need to knock others down to build themselves up.
Probably none of this is very comforting right now, but I really hope you can surround yourself with loving people for the next several days and NOT see H. He does not deserve to be in your presence right now. Please continue to try to take care of yourself and update us. Is there a friend's house you can escape to for a few nights? My offer of my house remains open--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Ok, I haven't read your whole sitch. Are you separated?
I did read like the first 10 pages. I saw a lot of fighting.
Today! You WILL NOT FIGHT!! GIVE UP!! It's fine--doesn't make you a doormat--makes you SMARTER THAN HIM. He can't fight if there is no one around to fight with, right?
Make yourself calm, attractive, sweet, a "lady" who ANYONE would like to be with.
What is your H's LL? Let's figure that out right away.
Listen, even if there is a girlfriend--doesn't matter. You have a bond with him that is going to be hard for him to break. My H had a EA going with a NUTCASE. She was "there" for him. First of all, what normal girl gets involved with a guy going through this. She is probably a loon anyway and you can win him back IF you start some changes.
Thanks for commenting on my thread--my sitch is different in that I was very active with this about 6 years ago. We never separated. I saw lots of people who did get their Hs back even when they did separate. And I had a friend that lost her H even when they didn't separate. But you know what? She is doing GREAT. This will work for you, either way.
Here is something I found to be true back then--it was MUCH easier for Ws to win back Hs. Hs who had WAW had a much, much tougher time, even though a lot of them did the DBing stuff textbook right. You CAN make mistakes--it isn't the end of the world when you do, but you have GOT to dissect them and figure out how to do it better!
I have to move my thread because H and I have been separated for a long time and he has a full R with another woman. There is nothing I can do to get him back and I need to stop fooling myself.
I feel like I'm coming down off a drug. NOt that I have any experience, but I feel like I'm shaking literally and can only go to bed.
People, pray for me, this is the end of the road. I can use the thought power. Thank you all for the support anyhow while I lived in my delusion of hope.
As for delusion of hope... put a sock in it. You were tricked and manipulated. You've been played. Now pull on those big girl panties and fight for yourself. Stand up for yourself. Believe in yourself. Get yourself better.
H4L, my thoughts are with you...wishing you the strength you need. You are feeling shattered...remember to stay in the present as much as you can. sending you big hugs.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
People, pray for me, this is the end of the road. I can use the thought power. Thank you all for the support anyhow while I lived in my delusion of hope.
Hope4.. With out hope we have nothing. Take care of your self girl. take a breath..
Dear Lord, may you give H4L the peace she so needs. Let her find rest in your arms tonight. Let her sleep be easy, and her dreams be trouble free. Let her awake refreshed and renewed Lord. Thank you Lord for all you have taught her, and all you will teach her. Let her see that you WILL be there for her when she is ready. You are the same God that got me through my darkest hours and you know her pain. Thank you God that you are there when we make mistakes and by making a choice to come to you, we will be rewarded with your wisdom and grace.
