Knittedscarff, I think OTMT knows. I want him to know that you are supportive of his efforts to work on betterment.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTMT, Behind that last angry post I sense a person who is feeling hurt, sad, confused,, frustrated, humiliated, hopeless....
A little higher on the humilitated side, but otherwise pretty much on the dot. I really am not sure where to go now. I don't want to talk to her, I know that much. She has made it clear she wants to make decisions now. I can't. Not now. I want to hug her, but that isn't going to be happening just yet.
She may be right about her giving up on me - I think that is what hurts. I'm not going to ask for the divorce, but I know I can't make her stay either. If she doesn't want me as I am, what can I do about that? I know I need time to deal with my problems, time that she feels she cannot give. Maybe tomorrow she'll feel differently.
Thank you VERY much June, Chatterbug, and the MANY others for your help. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need it.
I really thought I had closed the deal with the dinner, confessions, and other things I've been doing. Maybe I'm expecting too much, too soon.
Knittedscarf...I couldn't agree with the statement you posted more - thanks.
I know for most men/women, they can just not do it like a choice. If I could've just stopped, I would've stopped a decade and a half ago. I don't get how to help my W understand that. She thinks my transgressions are just a choice, so if I loved her I would choose to stop. If I didn't stop, then I must not love her or be committed to being a decent man. It doesn't help that porn = an affair to her.
I don't want a shoulder to cry on for what I caused myself. Just understanding and time. I need time.
Glad to hear from you OTMT. Don't stop posting. I think, a well written heart felt letter to your W may help substantially.
I mean she is still here, right? Hurt but here
Do not give up She needs to see you fight for her. Now more than ever
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I have another thought or two. You stated that she is very religious. If she can not read your note than perhaps have a person of good standing from the mosque translate it to her. But doing this you are admitting your wrongs to her and to the your clergyman (I know you have a different term)
If you are finding it really hard to quit porn that I think perhaps sex addicts anonymous or a group like that is in order. Your IC would know better.
Here is the thing OTMT. Repairing a marriage usually involves one person putting forth the good effort, work and changes. The other person sits back in disbelief and doubts your sincerity. This is where you stay strong and continue the path. You never falter. Then eventually you will see changes from the other person. The other person sees your good effort and wants it to continue and then puts forth good effort also. The thing is is that it may take a while for the other person to come around. It can become discouraging to the person who is first putting forth effort. You have to stay strong and continue on the good path.
For my hubby and I I think it has been well worth the effort. We both has such negative feelings for each other and ill will. It was really bad. I was snippy and curt- he was too. We got into the habit of finding no good with each other. It was a dynamic that couldn't continue.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Maybe I wrote something wrong; she isn't very religious. She is more cultural than relgious. That was one of our issues (cultural religion over religion). With that, she isn't irreligious either, and as she has come to challenge her cultural beliefs, her understanding has grown or disappeared, depending on her own personal values. She has said that my best admission was to our divorce mediator. Until then, she thought I wasn't serious about stopping. Mind you, yesterday she said I wasn't serious either despite me having talked to my IC and agreeing to get into the addictions clinic at our hospital.
Her feeling disbelief in my changes is hard to deal with, but I can (I think!). It is her actions I struggle with. Getting in touch with a person about divorcing and remarrying yesterday was a good example of what I mean. Threatening to "leave me with the kids and go off on her own" is another she used yesterday.
What is true? What is threat? What to do first?
I desperately wish she'd come back from her walk (5 hrs so far) and have her just hug me.
This a good time maybe to write a list all of the good and wonderful things she does. Of things that you appreciate about her. Give her this list and try to talk to her. Offer her since apologies. Explain to her your shortcoming and the plan of action you have for getting help and changing. Tomorrow frequently thank her for small takes and do things like let her know that you enjoyed her meal. The shirt is a nice color for her face. That she did a good job as a mother today. etc
She is hurting and actually she needs you to be there for her. The worst thing you can do is retreat from her. Unless she requests her space. I think it would be best to try and engage her, IMO.
She knows about the clinic?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Still thinking... Can she attend a session with your IC? Is there a support group for her? Buy some books on addiction and marraige recovery and place them in spots that she will see them. And of course read them. I still am wondering if you can get someone of religious authority to assist here. I mean this is a crisis for you right now. Does she have a trusted friend you can go and speak to? Maybe this friend can talk to her?
Maybe no Internet access at all. Turn it off at home?
Millions of apologies always help. Heartfelt sincerity, talk about how you really fell. Being very attentive...
I don't know, maybe others will have better insight.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
So, I "won". I think I need an exclamation mark, but I don't feel it.
I slowly brought on some touch, a bit of begging, and some honest conversation.
I asked her to sleep in our bed again, no intent for ML. She agreed. Lots of hugging.
In the morning, we talked. I'm not sure where things are going, but she is willing to give more time.
My main point - 'divorce me now or open your heart to me and use your love to help me. I'm not perfect and I won't be able to stop completely yet, if at all.'
Her response - 'not sure, when she thinks of me doing that it feels like knives cutting her and fills her with so much anger'
My concerns: she thought about suicide over this but stopped because of the kids (not because of me, God, etc.) I told her she should see her IC and tell her in detail. I don't think she'd do it, it is a unforgivable sin, but wow - I don't think porn is that bad!
the pain of her asking for a D was so much, I almost have a bigger desire to go to porn to see if she's understood me better or if she is a time bomb (I'm not going to, but the feeling's there ):
I'm suddenly feeling more attracted and in love, but I'm also feeling so much more divorce ready again. Yesterday, I just wanted a chance for me and my fam. I got the chance, sort of, so why am I back on the mountaintop - looking both ways as a sudden plummet to a new life and peak. I can't wait for my IC meeting!
I am thinking you are having these mixed feelings because a D would be easier for you. You would not have to do any work on yourself.
OTMT, if someone tells you that they feel a certain way, please believe them. Please do not minimize their feelings.It minimizes them as a person. If someone feels that their pain feels like being stabbed with knifes- please, for the love of God, believe them. How would you feel if someone minimized the way you feel?
I can not understand what oyu are saying about wanting to go to porn to test her? Time bomb? I really do not understand what you are saying here.
IMPORTANT!!!! You wife is in an extremely fragile state. Learning of this porn addiction and the upset of the past few months has really affected her. Please take this very seriously. You must immediately talk to her further about her thoughts of suicide. Do not disregard this. 1. You must ask her if she has a plan (I know that when I was a nurse I was thought this an important thing to ask b/c it shows how serious a person is in their intent. If a person does not have a plan of suicide then they are not as serious). 2. You really need to call her IC or a crisis hotline concerning this. Possibly her primary doctor, maybe an emergency psych center at a hospital. You are NOT trained to know her emotional state and how serious she is about suicide. She needs to be evaluated by someone with training and experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3. Please remove all unnecessary pills, razors, alcohol, guns, etc. from the house (I would worry that in a moment or rash impulse she could make a poor decision) 4. Please watch her constantly and try not to give her any alone time, it would be best if you could have a family member stay over at your house or better have one of her family members fly in and stay at the house. 5. Please FOCUS on your wife and not yourself these next few days. She needs that. She needs you to be supportive, understanding and loving to her. She needs you to watch over and protect her from harming herself.
I can't state enough over and over again-please page her IC and discuss your concerns about your wife. She may need some emergency hospitalization. She may be having a breakdown here. It's important you take this SERIOUSLY.
Also, please- no porn- you are going to figuratively "kill" your wife here. Do not makes things worse for here. Turn off the d@mn internet for a while. Confide in someone that will hold you responsible for you actions.
Please call a friend, family member, clergyman, someone. I don't think you are equipped to handle your wife's emotional state.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
