Thanks so much Flomom--does this person have a book? I will have to do a search on that name.
I "used" to feel so clear inside about what I would accept in a person and what I wouldn't. Heck, I remember breaking up with a guy that said F*** you only once to me--told him I wouldn't ever see him again.
Another guy had a wall *almost* completely painted--he'd left like the last 10% undone. That was SUCH a turnoff!! He was history soon afterwards too.
My H never did these things until we were married (the verbal stuff and not finishing things). I nagged him to finish the barn he built (it took 2 years). My house has had the cement floors in the kitchen exposed for 6 years now. I joke with friends it's a new look (and heck--that trend HAS come around!!)
Here is a fine example. 5 years ago we bought a single-wide trailer across the street on around 2 acres. We got it for a good deal (at the time--has decreased in value since). The reason we got it was to turn it around and have a little rental which he said I could manage. I was excited about that--I am a mostly SAHM and he is always saying he is so stressed from work.
He gutted the place, replaced the floor, walls, roof, tore down a little (cute) shed, new plumbing, wiring, paint--now. It is adorable and it was pretty dumpy before. New fencing around it. I have had SO many people over the years ask when it would be done, they have so and so that would rent.
He would never finish it. When I would think--hey! it's nearly done!--he would say Oh, no, XYZ needs to be done now (he hooked up the washer and dryer to go out to the pasture instead of the septic tank.
It's been a huge source of frustration and it came out in counseling.
So now he says "Rent it" and he doesn't want to know about it. So GOOD. I have 3 people that would LOVE to live there. And I am making sure they are good renters because, honestly, it may be ME living there HAPPILY at some point if this nonsense doesn't get fixed!lol.
Having my son and coming from a background that included a messy divorce (my parents when I was 15) has made me "stick it out". I have sworn to myself and my son that I would stay until he was 18. I really thought my H would leave--give me one of those cold sneers and say "see ya" and I already had a pretty good idea of where I was going and what I would do. I had saved a nice little bit of money for it too.
But he didn't--at first he was like "Anything you want" for a few weeks. Then it turned to "it would break his heart" and now--since I've recommitted to this--he's been angry and sulky. But for me, for now, heck--may as well learn this "boundary stuff" and how exactly to apply it. Otherwise I may be in the same boat again with H or ? the next.
So it's coming from inside, I get that--how do you get them to respect your boundaries. The ONLY ones I can do work on are the ones I can control (I have scripts when he is angry to use, then I leave for a while and self sooth. And I give myself permission to tell him I'll get back to things he brings up in a day or two).
But he tells me to rent the trailer, and the toilette isn't flushing for whatever reason. I will NEVER get him to fix it--do I hire someone? and spend money and risk his rath? That sort of thing.
BTW--the counselor told me to list all the projects needing to be done. There are 13. He said to get H to tell me the top 3 or 4 and then get estimates on getting them done. If H won't put them in order, I'm to do it. In other words, he IS recommending I be more "active" and in a business-like way say "do this or...but the "or" really is that when my son is 18 and it's not done, I will leave.
But anyway, I have a new 180 to try out and that is to thank him for working so hard (I have resented his 14 hour days like nobody's business. grr...)lol.
And I'm to "get my hands on him" and not worry about the rejection. This one is not too hard either--he IS going to reject me and I know it right up front.lol. So I have been having a bit of fun with this one actually, since I'm so detached and it doesn't matter really anyway. I wore a low-cut robe and when I initiated a hug this a.m. I told him "I caught you looking". He WASN'T looking and then he looked totally confused.lol I'm putting the "thought" in his head that he was and that's the whole point.
Don't initiate hugs if you're new at this. I think that is Pursuing. I'm on a bit of a different path.
Flomom--what have you been doing? Give me some tips!!
