...It's the middle of the night and I'm balling my eyes out because another whole day went by of me strutting my 10-lbs-lighter behind around trying to get some kind of attention, and this time... "I have a headache."
I didn't try to come on to him, because I'm trying not to, just wanted to see if he would even look at me, being my sexy self.
And I get on here for some ENCOURAGEMENT (hence the topic) and all I get is "there's no point in trying to fix something that can't be fixed"
If that's the case, then what's the point of any of this "divorce busting" BS?
I know I can't change him into someone he's not, nor would I want to. I have stuck around this long because he is so dear to me.
First of all, let me again congratulate you for taking charge of your life!
Congratulations for strutting you "10-lbs-lighter behind!" Focus on your feelings and try not to require your spouse to validate you for this wonderful accomplishment, figure out how you can validate yourself for this change!
Now let me try to provide a little encouragement and advice.
Nothing is "hopeless." As you have stated you have a great love for him and that is something special. Not pressuring him is also important as he may need some space and time. Pursuit could in his mind be smoothering and drive him away from you rather than bring him toward you, which is what you want. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in a marriage and you need to learn how to react to that kind of cycle.
One of the things I would suggest that you do is to read and reread Chapman's the Five Languagues of Love and find out both what your and your spouses primary and secondary languages of love. Then I would do your best to make your spouse feel "loved" in their primary language of love. That is some people will not feel loved even if they has sex three times a day, unless their spouse keeps the house clean, provides them a hot dinner at a certain time of day, and are brought the newspaper to read when they first get home. Those kind of folks are acts of devotion/service people. There are jokes about them as traditional husbands. There are others who will not feel loved unless their spouse praises their accomplishments each day and what wonderful things they have done for their family. Those are words of affirmation people. If those were the primary love languages of your spouse and you didn't express your love to them in those ways it would not matter how many times a day you had sex with him, he would not feel loved.
Let's say that your husband is an act of service primary love person. Let's say that each day he does certain chores around the house and that once a week he does some other things that he feels are his way of saying he loves you. You need to learn what those are. You also need to "thank" him for expressing his love to you, even if it doesn't make you feel loved. Once you express your love to him and thank him for expressing his love to you all in his primary/secondary languages of love, he will start to feel loved and feel closer to you. Once he is feeling loved he will start to bond with you emotionally, chemically and physically. I hope that the above makes sense to you, as I probably haven't explained it well.
So far I have not talked about your getting what you need to feel loved, have I? You are the one trying to save the marriage. At some point when your spouse feel loved and bonded to you, then you can work on explaining to him, "what your primary/secondary languages of love are." At that point he may feel like he understand that he wants you to feel loved and will stretch himself to express love to you in ways that are foreign to him, possibly through touch or sex, just because he feels loved and wants to make you feel loved and because he now knows that is what it takes to make you feel loved. That is the goal you need to visualize and think about and work toward. It could take a long time, a short time, or he may never figure it out. All you can do is try.
The whole Get a Life (GAL) process is to make you feel good and better about yourself and to show yourself and your spouse that change is possible. Once you are feeling better about yourself and that you have control over yourself, you can change the way you interact with your spouse and work on making them feel loved in the way that they want to feel loved (not in the way you would want them to love you.) You can also work on becoming the most interesting woman he has ever known and one who he has to please because wants so despirately to be with you.
The sad truth is that you can not change someone to be what you want. Only they can do that. Some of the advice you are getting is trying to make sure that you don't get false hopes. You need to become a magnet that pulls him to you. You can not push him to do things.
The people on the forum have all dealt with the pain of relationships that have had rough spots and are just trying to help and share painful lessions that they have learned.
Good luck to you and congratuations for what you have accomplished.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
