You will have to contact MF for visual info on my W and her comments.
--Fergie
Fergie -
Admittedly, you fell in love w/your wife, knowing she's not a size 6, nor probably ever would be. So, I had a visual... With that said... I just re-looked at your pics. Take a close, hard look at your face, body language, and overall appearance, while on vacation w/your wife. Now, compare that to the pics of your birthday.
They don't even look like the same person. Seriously.
I hate to say it, because we're here to bust your divorce, right? Maybe? But... you look freer, healthier, joyful, released...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Shouldn't be a problem, except for what about tax questions? Financial stuff?
--Fergie
what tax questions? what financial stuff?
- obviously take care of the stuff you can take care of, put her mail aside for her or send it to her parents or sister or someone else she visits regularly. Dont contact her to tell her she has mail or bills, let her call you and ask you for that stuff.
Admittedly, you fell in love w/your wife, knowing she's not a size 6, nor probably ever would be. So, I had a visual... With that said... I just re-looked at your pics. Take a close, hard look at your face, body language, and overall appearance, while on vacation w/your wife. Now, compare that to the pics of your birthday.
They don't even look like the same person. Seriously.
I hate to say it, because we're here to bust your divorce, right? Maybe? But... you look freer, healthier, joyful, released...
That's what a lot of DB'ing will do. If I wasn't reading my copy of DR and listening to the group; I might venture out and make some improvements on my own, but not to this extent. Or I might just be sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway. Yeah. I still love my wife. Was I happy in my M? No. Not really. Am I happy now? Not ecstatically happy, but different. I just feel very different. I do feel like a burden has been lifted. Not because my W is gone, but because I have been doing nothing but talk through all the problems I had bottled up. I realize I am not responsible for her happiness.
And you said my wife didn't look fun. Well, she's not. Not in that active, "Hey we are doing something. Isn't this fun" kind of way. Maybe she is taking this time to make improvements, too. Who knows?
All I know is that when I am having fun, I'm having a blast. When I have a bad day, I'm miserable. But before it was everyday, "meh" day in and day out. And when the W and I would do something, I would always be concerned about making sure she was comfortable. Now I only have to worry about myself, and I'm easy to please.
So, should I stay married? Who knows? I may not get to make that choice. How can one tell? I know my sitch is different than most. We don't have kids. Not a lot of property to divide. It would be easy and expedient to just D. Like I said, that is my pickle.
No Contact is a process you will use to accomplish a few things:
1. Prevents you from acting needy and insecure around your WAW, your last interaction was a good one with her, you didn't come off needy & insecure but I get the vibe that you have been needy, insecure, wussy like around her and NO CONTACT will prevent that from happening. It's fine if she contacts you first, she can initiate contact but you aren't allowed to contact her.
2. No contact will also.... help instill a fear of loss within your wife. No contact pushes her away (indirectly since you're not pursuing her and contacting her) and it will make her wonder.... WHY? She will start wondering if you are moving on, if you have moved on maybe with another woman. No Contact also highlights a particularly fascinating part of human nature: we tend to only realize something's value when it is gone (most of the time). We don't tend to appreciate things that are always readily available (when's the last time you thanked God for the hot shower, the milk & food in the fridge, the clothes you wear, the electricity bill you pay,etc..... take all those things away and you would notice REAL QUICK!)
3. Time for you to reconnect with your individuality. Invest in you, going to the gym, getting in better shape, going out with friends, social interaction with other women, shopping, getting "freshened up": new clothes, shoes, different hairstyle, etc. etc. Getting used to investing in you if you haven't made that part of your regular lifestyle before. Working on taming bad habits, working on start new good habits, etc. Doing some research on the top of attraction between men & women, learning more about yourself, etc. In the end becoming a better you FOR YOU, not for your wife.
NO CONTACT for several weeks can help establish that. In the end, no matter how hard you try to be cool around your WAW, you will communicate in some subtle fashion insecurity and neediness (she knows you want her back and you know she wants to leave). Women are much better than men at picking up non verbal displays of emotion & feeling - it's just how they're wired, it's one of several advantage women have, it's ok we have several advantages of our own, we're built differently, just accept that. Anyways she will pick up on your feelings through your body language and no contact will help by preventing this from happening. So right now even if you're sad & bummed that your wife is gone, no contact prevents you from communicating that to your wife and actually gives the appearance that you're doing fine.
She expects you to contact her, and you won't be doing this (remember she expects you to contact her, you will instill feelings in her because you haven't been contacting her). She expects you to be there for her so that she can heal and get over you but no contact will prevent that, she will have to face the reality that she made this decision and she may be wrong, there will be no easy way out of this situation for her, at least not through you. You might think that by contacting her and being close to her and more supportive during this time that this will draw you back together but this isn't true, it would help her heal and move on and hurt your healing process (another reason for no contact, time for you to heal).
If and when she starts feeling fear of loss, she will begin to place value on you again, this will make her reach out to contact you. Whenever she does contact you, you are never to be rude, angry or act depressed, you will always act happy, awesome, "life is great" when she contacts you. You're going to ask why you should act happy when she contacts you, well she expects you to be miserable, unhappy, sad, broken, etc. If you are the opposite of these things, don't you think it would make her wonder why? She'll be asking herself why is he so happy? I left him, he should be heartbroken and sad. He isn't, what's wrong with this picture? She will be intrigued by your attitude and this will create an even stronger feeling of fear of loss because it looks like you're really moving on and it's her loss, not yours.
She's allowed to contact you (you can't control her) but points for you to remember:
- always small talk - no relationship talk - let her lead the conversation, she called you, she should have a reason - always be happy and awesome, never sad, lonely, depressed - end the conversations first before she does, just be nice about it, "hey I was just about to head out with a friend, maybe we can talk about this later, maybe you can call me tomorrow?" and if she asks who you're going out with, "just someone new I met at -------, you don't know them" - if she calls, take your time calling her back, never be too eager, in fact, wait a day before calling back when she leaves a voicemail or just let her call again - if you happen to run into her, keep the meeting short, and again be the first one to end it, "hey it was nice seeing you again but I was just on my way to -------, gotta run don't want to be late"
Um, yes, it will be as hard as it sounds. At first. If you're doing it right (focusing on bettering yourself for you) it will get easier.
That's why I liked using my thread for fun things. Great distraction.
So what are you doing for Easter? Obviously not going to W's family celebration. Opening day baseball? We're going out to a fancy brunch (hopefully there will be many mimosas and very few children) then a day trip to a cave for a lantern tour. Of course this means I have to get up early to get my walk in before the eating/drinking.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
