help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

She sat on this receipt all week. Was she wondering, thinking? She didn't seem to think I left it there on purpose.

Regardless, it's time for something to change. I know what I need to say to her. Everyone here has told me about the same. Trying to gather the strength I need.

This isn't a game and I want to use this to my advantage if I even have one now. Maybe getting in over my head. It did feel pretty good having her ask about it.

I know what I need to do. Talking myself into it.

[idontunderstand]

W didn't say two words to me all night. She had supper waiting when I got home. I said, mmmmm, smells good. We sat down and ate. I tried some small talk and got one word answers in return. I just enjoyed the meal, cleaned the dishes from the table, and went in to play with the kids.

After a while, she gave kids showers, something I do 90% of the time, and I relaxed in the recliner. My daughter got a blanket and came and sat with me. Then youngest son got up there too so we kicked back and watched The Incredibles for the hundredth time. W got ready for bed and came in and told the kids good-night. S4 wanted to sleep with her and she said OK. My daughter was already sleeping on my lap. I asked what time we should be ready to go to her mom's tomorrow (today) and she asked if I was going. I just said yeah. She said she got off at noon, be ready when she got home.

We went through this at Christmas, are you going, do you want me to go, if you want me to, I don't care, etc. Not doing that this time. I just said yes. If she tells me today she doesn't want me to, fine.

I have stayed cheerful and upbeat like it doesn't bother me. Playing and having fun with the kids. If she instigates conversation, I listen, validate and give her my full attention. It still goes from one extreme to the other. When does it stop? I know, when I make it stop.

Trying to hang in there. Patience. Still trying to talk myself into what I need to do.

[flowmom]

(((IDU))) . It sounds like you're doing well with the day to day stuff. Keeping your focus on fathering is wise.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, FM.

I have been getting that feeling of doom and gloom again. Not letting it show. I will never get used to the roller coaster! Things going good for days, back to alien. Sometimes it only lasts for hours or minutes and I can see her change right before my eyes. I don't understand. Trying to put in action what I have learned here but have trouble with the big stuff, you know?

Thanks for the post. Everyone has been a big help. Just feeling down about the Easter get togethers. Just really have to remember what we are celebrating!

[idontunderstand]

Well, I did it.

Will tell the whole story later. The short version is I can't live like this anymore. I am not ready to give up on our marriage, but if she wanted out, I would not stop her. However, she was the one who was going to leave, not me. She didn't know what else we could try. I said counseling, whatever. We could try talking for a change, go away for a weekend without the kids. Maybe seperating would make us see what we have is worth saving. I said again, that's not what I want but would help her pack her bags if she wanted to go.

She also said lots of things about me being gone so much lately and stuff like that.

So, is GAL working? Is her being jealous good? What do I do from here?

I'm surprised how calm i was and still am. I knew this was coming and I knew what I needed to do.

Next steps?

[pigskin]

Well, I did it.

Will tell the whole story later. The short version is I can't live like this anymore. I am not ready to give up on our marriage, but if she wanted out, I would not stop her. However, she was the one who was going to leave, not me. She didn't know what else we could try. I said counseling, whatever. We could try talking for a change, go away for a weekend without the kids. Maybe seperating would make us see what we have is worth saving. I said again, that's not what I want but would help her pack her bags if she wanted to go.

She also said lots of things about me being gone so much lately and stuff like that.

So, is GAL working? Is her being jealous good? What do I do from here?

I'm surprised how calm i was and still am. I knew this was coming and I knew what I needed to do.

Next steps?

I'm proud of you, IDU! That's tough to do and you did it. Way earlier than I did in my situation. You did the right thing.

You don't talk about the OM and your W much, so I'm wondering what the deal is there. I think how you proceed depends a lot on that relationship. If she is in an active affair, I think you have to call her out on it and state that you will not share her, and that you cannot live with someone who would openly disrespect you in that manner. If she is not willing to break it off, then she MUST move out, and put a tight timeline on it.

If she is not involved with the OM, then you can take other steps toward saving your marriage.

[idontunderstand]

Hi pigskin

She swears that there is nothing going on. Of course, she swears there never was. She still says I'm the only one who thought there was even though I have many sources, including ones in her family, who think the same thing.

We talked more last night and she came to my family's Easter dinner today. We'll see what happens. She said she didn't sleep last night and called me from work crying.

Just waiting and not pushing.

[flowmom]

IDU, I think you need to find out for sure whether there is an A. Get proof so that YOU are 100% sure about what's going on. Otherwise it's not how you should proceed from here. GAL, 180s -- these are not going to show results if there is an active A.

[pigskin]

I agree with flowmom. You have to determine for sure. THEN you set boundaries that she has to break off any contact and be transparent, because you will not tolerate that in your marriage.

If you have proof and she refuses to respect your boundary, then you tell her that she will need to get her own place.

Otherwise any attempt to improve your marriage will be a waste of your time and will cause extreme distress and disappointment for you.

[idontunderstand]

I am 100% sure of EA. The fact that she still swears that I was the only one back in Sept. to think that something was not right with her bringing her "friend" to the bar and other things after that. People in her family, brothers, BIL, and people at school that I know have voiced the same concerns, suspicions that I had.

I don't know how active it is right now. This morning she asked me how many times a week I check her phone. I told her I don't mess with it anymore since she lied about contact with OM before she knew I had looked at her phone and she erased calls and txt. Of course she said she has no idea what I'm talking about. They are just friends and she helps out at school because no one else will.

My W is a very hard worker. It is something I have always admired about her. I have told her this in the past and told her so Sat. I also told her she was the one to make the decision to not work on the R, not me. I know I have made mistakes but never thought of getting out of the M. It is up to her.

She hasn't said much more about things but was pretty pissy this morning. I'm sure she is conflicted. I never brought up the changes in me, I'm sure she has noticed. Is the conflict because of OM or just the way she says I treated her when I was depressed. I told her I understood and agreed with her that I wasn't always fun to be around. I did a lot of validating and agreeing with her but said it was her choice to want to split up.

I know I'm all over the place with my posts here. I'm at work trying to get all my thoughts out. I will try to get them in order so you guys can help me out better when I have more time. I am still suprisingly calm. Something has to give and, right now at least, I'm OK no matter what comes next. I'm not giving up by any means but I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do or isn't ready to do. I accept that now.

What next? We'll see.......

IDU