I suggested MC. My L suggested MC. My inlaws suggested MC (previously). But H does not want to go. Said he knows he made mistakes, me too, doesn't want to go rummaging into the past over and over and over again. There is some validity to that. He's not really the feeling or spiritual type either, so I don't think he'd gain much from it, really!!
And I think you're right, it's about what HE wants or doesn't want, because he is the MLCer, feels he's not gotten what HE wants in this life. Though ironically, he pretty much had it all.
I'm not entirely sure he can really acknowledge his shortcomings. I think he's towards the "N" personality type. I've never really felt that about him, but many (most if not all) friends and acquaintances have said so.
SecondChance, Here's my take on what your h is attempting to do. He is attempting to try it one more time so that if he doesn't feel that it's right, he can say that he honestly put forth the effort to try one more time. He wants to look like the good guy here and be a "man", come home and try....notice I didn't say one word about your efforts? Why? Because it's all about him. Time stipulations such as this are made by an emotionally high charged individual that feels he/she needs to have this happen right away before something happens to change the situation.
I would suggest that you tread lightly, listen and observe. I do not think this man is ready to come home permanently. I truly believe that he thinks he is, but honestly...all the talk about France, etc., makes me say.....date him for a while....he would have to do a better job of convincing me about wanting to come home. It's more destructive to you and your family if he comes home and bolts again. Been there, done that.
Do not allow him to set a time limit on your decisions....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SecondChance, He is attempting to try it one more time so that if he doesn't feel that it's right, he can say that he honestly put forth the effort to try one more time. He wants to look like the good guy here and be a "man", come home and try...
I don't want to validate his decision to leave us... it's too easy for someone in MLC to do. Is this the point? I have heard him say at various times along this journey that he has "tried everything he could think of and it just doesn't work", I don't want to hear it again!!
Originally Posted By: snodderly
SecondChance, ...an emotionally high charged individual that feels he/she needs to have this happen right away before something happens to change the situation.
What does this mean, an emotionally high charged individual?
And what does this mean about something happens to change the situation? Is that because he might have someone else, or because I am pushing sep papers and he doesn't want to pay, or because I appear to be moving on with my life and he wants me to wait, or or or? I know you can't mind read H's motives, but can you elaborate at all based on what I wrote?
Originally Posted By: snodderly
I truly believe that he thinks he is, but honestly...all the talk about France, etc., makes me say.....date him for a while....It's more destructive to you and your family if he comes home and bolts again.
I'm afraid to date him. When he really wants something he goes all out. I see no sign of that. He's saying what I want to hear, but the actions don't support it. If I date him, the kids will know, I am primary custodial parent living in another city with a full-time job. There is no way I can go out without them knowing, and I tried this once before, and they got really worried about me (their Dad left them, Mom's going out with no explanation as to where or why, they got very scared.). He can't drop by easily because he lives in another city. And when he does come by, if I give him access to the house and our lives he crosses all the boundaries. I do want the R back, but it seems so impossible to do without the ugly MLC rearing up again and again, and the past, and the bs.... how does one do this? Maybe I just wait until he feels more committed to coming on board? But if I keep pushing him away he will GAL elsewhere, who wouldn't?
SCH are you able to talk with WH, I mean really talk without it escalating into a argument? Since he doesn't want to do MC and if you are able to talk, how about going away together...just the two of you...without the kids. You don't have to tell them that you are going with him. Do you have family or friends the kids can visit for the weekend? Maybe a weekend alone with him would help you to understand more where things are. I don't know, maybe I'm out to lunch with this idea....I'm just brainstorming....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, we get along great when it's just the 2 of us. We've done tons of travelling. The problems come up with running a house and living together. He always wants my full attention, but I can't do that because I have the kids, work, and I get tired! Then he gets angry, frustrated, withdrawn, and the whole cycle repeats itself over and over again.
And he just keeps on setting up this other life for himself, this luxury appartment, this job in another city. He wont consider us living in that other city (where he has his place and can play) and he can't work here. It's an untenable situation and he wont budge.
And I'm so tired of bringing it up, sounding like the nagging one. He just wants both. He had friends who separated and did this to their wives and families for like a decade. I don't want to do that.
He has to give on something because I don't know how to stop the impasse. I can be a very fun and pleasant date, we could have a great trip, but then we would come home to the same stupid situation.
He wont give up anything, which means he can not be with us, I think.
You are right, If it's just "his way or the highway" it can't work for you. He is not willing to compromise. It's still what makes HIM happy. Is he at all interested in making YOU happy?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Second, Your h wants to reconcile one more time to see if it will work for him. He knows from the past, that it didn't, but to prove to himself and yes, to others, he wants to try again. Many of them leave and return and then leave again because nothing has changed in their minds. They are forgetting that it is them and not us who are not happy and looking for that illusive happiness. Marriage, family and life are work, but it can be a "good" type of work if someone works at it. Every relationship has ups and downs.
Your h is emotionally high charged right now because of mlc. He's operating on emotions and certainly isn't rational part of the time. Again, he was emotionally stunted at an early age and that's where he needs to go back to in order to grow up. He wants to "feel" that things are working and not putting forth the effort to meet you half way. It could very well mean that if it doesn't work out, he's moving on and going to France to live out his fantasy life. Of course, in his mind, he wants you to wait for him and stay right where he left you. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.
You will need to determine whether or not you want to take another chance on him moving back in. If he returns, how will you children react to this? If he bolts again, how do you think they will react? You have a tough decision to make for you and your family. You already are aware of all his baggage/bs, so you now need to take some time and think about whether it's worth him coming home half baked or attempt to move on w/your life and if he bakes up and comes to his senses and wants to reconcile, whether you want to consider it at that time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Again, he was emotionally stunted at an early age and that's where he needs to go back to in order to grow up.
The place where he is living is the exact same building as where we lived when we first got married. Said he went back there because he remembers it being a happy time for him. But I'm not sure he means the marriage!!
He also started his first real job then, at a place where he was really truley accepted for who he was. He had a blast. He did not bring me around with those people (which does not bode well for developing a deep and meaningful relationship with one's newly minted spouse!). Now I'm remembering a girlfriend of mine, who worked there for a few weeks, being shocked that he had a whole separate social circle going on with those young single work people. He still keeps contact with some of the people from then (including, unfortunately, one guy who had a whopper MLC). If I'm being honest, I seem to remember feeling that he might leave me back then, maybe he thought he got married too young, I was the best choice for him at the time but then he moved to the big city and a whole different world opened up that he couldn't have imagined. But then I got pregnant, and that led to a whole different series of choices involving family, housing, little money, difficult times, and loss of that peer group. Could he back there as a "crisis" child, looking for what would have happened if he'd taken the other path? Of course they also all moved on decades ago, and thus the conflict today, the distance/dance/pursuit, wont give up on us and wont give up the apartment (because maybe he's not yet been there long enough to find "them" again...
... does that make sense?
And if so, how does a crisis like that end? How does he see his way home, or continue to journey "out there" looking for the lost path.
Snodderly, in your experience, what happens with these guys??
He has to go back further than where he is today. He has to go back to a child or a teenager and work forward. True going back to where he is right now may have been a happier time for him, but it's not where he was emotionally stunted. This happens with a parent or another authority figure that was in his life prior to that time. He must go back to revisit what transpired and why. He must learn to accept that he could not control what happened and that he is a good person. You may want to read this thread to have a better understanding of the "going back in time".
Some do go on to finish up their journey and others will remain lost forever, i.e., trying to live that one more time scenario. There is absolutely no way to tell which way he will go because he and God are the only ones that can determine that.
All you can do is continue on your journey and be there for your children. The focus has to remain on you for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
