The dreaded LIMBO

[Allen A]

You would do best just not to talk to your H at all. He WANTS to charm you all over again ... He's getting OFF on having two women pining away for him. And he uses lies to drive that to happen.

She wants your H to file for D, but he's too cowardly to do that.. its too much work. He is likely going to wait for YOU to do it... so just don't. OW will get fed up with him and turf his arse...

This does NOT mean YOU take him back... it means he has no one and hopefully learns something about how useful deceit is in managing relationships.

Until he demonstrates visibly to you that he's a different man, No Contact.

[4luv]

So should I not even pick up if/when he calls? I don't want to say anything...I just feel like I want AT THE LEAST an apology. Then we can end it right there because there is no excuse that could make up for all the lies. I am not looking for WHY he did what he did...just an apology. A simple I am sorry. I know that this will probably not happen but that is what i am looking for or hoping for whenever he chooses to contact me. After that, I don't need anymore contact from him because their is nothing else to say.

I am more hurt today than any other time. I at least expected a text that said "I am sorry" or "this is the decision i made, sorry it had to go down like this." Even that type of acknowledgement would have let me know that our 11 year relationship wasn't just something that he just could throw away without blinking an eye. But I didn't get any type of apology. He is probably up there with her giving her all type of excuses and explanations while i get nothing from him...just silence.

[Allen A]

If he makes any call its so HE can get something from it... he isn't going to make that call for YOU. It's the sociopathy.. he's admitted it outright already, if he makes an exchange of any sort with anyone its so HE gets soemthing from it.

If he calls to apologize its so HE can look better to you... he's not apologizing because he's sympathetic... He is apologizing to charm you again.

In my opinion him calling or texting to say "I'm sorry" is just an insult... Actions are the only tolerable apology.. an action of turfing her arse permenently and making an effort to get himself some much needed treatment... THAT is an apology... anything less than that is NOT worth picking up.

This is the problem with addiction, sociopathy, and many other emotional illnesses - when you PICK UP the PHONE you ENABLE them... you cater to the drama and you allow the CYCLE to continue.

No pick up means "NO MORE"... No pick up mean's "DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT I AIN'T YOUR FOOL ANYMORE"

If he makes any call or text its not for you.. he has an illness and he needs treatment for it. Even that last convo you had with him you posted.. he admitted at the end of it that HE FEELS better after having talked with you... That's why he does it... to make HIM feel better.

Do you want to pick up his call to make HIM FEEL BETTER?

Sure, it might make YOU feel better now, but it also enables him and allows the cycle to continue.. its your dynamic with him. He uses you and calls you to charm his way back in and you PICK UP. Don't PICK UP.

Ask your father, I am pretty sure he'll say the same thing - don't enable him any further. The only way to NOT enable a sociopath is to SHUT them OUT.

HE will learn and grow MORE from you NOT contacting him than from picking the phone up. When HE calls and YOU pick up, he learns nothing and does NOT grow an inch emotinoally.

BREAK the pattern and REJECT ANY ATTEMPT at communication.

Re the post earlier, if you can file for child support DO IT. Let a lawyer talk to him instead.

[4luv]

Whew!!!

Thanks Allen. Glad you talked me out of my pity party :-) I NEVER intended on calling him BTW. I was just wondering whether i should pick up if he called me but I got my answer...DO NOT PICK UP!!

Thanks for making it so plan to see. You are absolutely right...an apology would not be for me but more for him to look like the good guy.

[mdoodles]

agree with alan...and oh how i know how u feel...i really really do. do your best to not contact him, not take calls, do anything you can to do "something different"...that doesnt mean you arent fighting for your marriage, you are trying something new and at the same time, you will feel better and empowered.

you wont get an apology and if you got one, it wouldnt change anything, he wont mean it sincerely and it wont stop him from doing what he is doing.

please read my thread and learn from my mistakes.

please file for child support....the biggest mistake i made was not protecting our money...

[Allen A]

I think his avoidance of filing for divorce is also a ploy to look like the good guy. If YOU file then HE can cry victim and play pity party to anyone who will listen

"She's divorcing me.. I am so hurt.. we have a son.. blah blah blah".. Its all sociopathy talking... He's narcissistic likely as well.

He wont' file because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Mb28 is in a similar situation, but her H is claiming that filing will HELP his WIFE.. its the same deluded fantasy.. they both don't want to look BAD.... so they avoid filing and wait for you to push the button so THEY can point the finger at YOU for giving up on THEM.

[Allen A]

agree with alan...and oh how i know how u feel...i really really do. do your best to not contact him, not take calls, do anything you can to do "something different"...that doesnt mean you arent fighting for your marriage, you are trying something new and at the same time, you will feel better and empowered.

you wont get an apology and if you got one, it wouldnt change anything, he wont mean it sincerely and it wont stop him from doing what he is doing.

please read my thread and learn from my mistakes.

please file for child support....the biggest mistake i made was not protecting our money...

Thanks md. Yup 4luv this is the thing. How can you be divorce busting if you accept an apology.. you are supposed to ignore 100% of what they SAY and focus only on what they are DOING... him saying "I'm sorry" is NOTHING.

It's an insult to think a phone call "I'm sorry" is anything respectable. His behaviour and cowardice is outrageous.

The only way this guy is giong to man up is when people don't enable him and tolerate his crap anymore.

Let her toss him out, then he will come back and tell you that HE ended his affair... then you toss him out too and tell him to get some treatment or he can't see his son anymore.

[Allen A]

This is a good site to visit.. its sad, but it will open your eyes a bit :

http://www.lovefraud.com/

[jasper67]

Allen I'll check out the link as well.

4luv- you are getting great advice...if I remember correctly your H admitted to being sociopathic...I personally believe my W is BPD (borderline) could be any number of things, narcissm, hystrionic, etc...

point is, they dont behave like normal people, remorse, guilt, emoathy, etc...it is TRULY ALL ABOUT THEM- especially w/ addictions (affairs, drugs, alcohol, etc).

You will gain nothing from his apology, and DO NOT EXPECT ONE EITHER- hate to say it, but ANY contact for your H or my W- is to a) know we're still there, b) have us act out their shirt (further justify their actions, c) assuage their own guilt

We cannot give them any of those things- it's like the final step of the psych. process for cheaters- Restore Balance- eff that...they are cheating, no way in hell we should make them feel good about it.

Addicts learn from consequences and that's it- don't bail him out by allowing him to HEAR you voice.

That's my advice...

Seems to be working a bit in my sitch...not that w cares, but she sure as shirt is thinking of me more.

Her decision is to continue the A- I am nowhere for her...I say this w/ honesty- unless she comes crawling back w/ true remorse, etc- "SHE IS DEAD TO ME"

I dont mean that violently or anything like that, I mean she does not exist

[4luv]

thx jasper. you are right. Mdoodles, I checked out your thread but will have to finish reading it later...very interesting (OW def. sounds crazy).

Allen, I checked out that website and its very shocking. Husband never outwardly said he was sociopathic (i dont think he knows what that is or even the term) but he has said:

1. He thinks life is a game and he must win. He uses people as he pieces to the game of life. He admitted that this was sick.

2. He manipulates people.

This was sooo alarming when I read on the website that the main goal for sociopaths is to 'win'.

All of this research though doesn't make me feel any better. Actually makes me feel sad that there is no hope for my husband ever stopping his behavior. I still have not received any contact from him and although I AM NOT going to answer or reply, it makes me feel worst that he is having his little pleasant weekend with the OW now. They have probably made up by now, he has promised her the world, and now that he probably knows that this was the last straw for me he can just cut his loses with me and move on to his backup plan and be with the OW. I know this is mind-reading but its the only reason I could come up with for why he hasn't even thought about the turmoil and pain that phone call from her must have caused me.

I will snap out of this eventually. I hate that I feel like this right now. He wasn't really in my thoughts, I felt like I was in control of me, and now I am inside on a Sat. night thinking about him and what he is doing with her. I just feel like I lost (in my heart) but my logical self tells me that it is his lost. Now I have to get my heart to match my mind :-/