2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son
2004 - H started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees
2006 - had second baby
Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with H not shifting
Jul 2009 - H turned 40
Aug 2009 - last romance in M
fall 2009 - multiple crises, H really withdrawn and dealing with rage
Dec 22, 2009 - H revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...H was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?)
Dec 28, 2009 - H was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize
Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: H moved out and rented 2 BR apartment saying it was a "trial" separation
Jan 9, 2010 - H said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language) but that he hadn't "closed the door" to reconciliation...promised to keep me updated on any changes in his status
Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session
sitch now:
We've been separated for 3 months and things have settled into a routine. H and I are still coparenting peacefully and sticking to an ultra-polite code of behaviour. There is very little communication about anything.
H has not mentioned D in weeks, though he recently made the assumption that I was seeing a lawyer in an email. I caught him referring to me as his "ex". He is still having trouble making eye contact with me. Has made his intention to date very clear and there are red flags that he is in an A but it's all speculation, no hard info. All of his actions are consistent with someone who wants a peaceful divorce...none of his words or actions indicate any doubt or confusion about that.
Babysteps are that he has smiled at me a couple of times, and joked a couple of times. He has less of a "haunted" expression, but is still very distant. Any shading of humour or warmth seems "in spite of" himself.
priorities:
making slow progress on GAL
making slow progress on acceptance of my situation
need to work on "letting in the good"...creating and noticing the positives of my day
need to work on not letting anxiety and fear take over my thoughts and actions
specifically, need to tackle extreme procrastination issues with my self-employment work
need to deal with the anguish of how this is affecting my children
need to learn how to relax and be myself around H...not let his frequent presence stress me out
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
