I'm not new--was here in 2004 under a different name that I think I've figured out--oh well.
Just a quick recap--got the ILYBNILY speach Feb 28, 2004. Went to some counseling, husband walked out mid-session and said he'd never do counseling again. Found these boards thank God! and started my changes!! (love those changes!)
It took the entire requisite "1 month for every year married--9 in all" to where I felt we were "back on track". But I did lurk and was nervous for the full rest of the year. Then things got pretty good! Wow--looking back over the last 5 years--we've taken some nice trips, son is doing awesome in school, we are very active "band parents", etc.
Well, last year started getting crazy with a remodeling project he started. He is a perfectionist/horrible procrastinator (they go hand in hand). I have lived in India, we have a roof, food, etc--It used to bother me that he never finished any project, but I am able to just go outside, count my blessings, etc. I can pretty easily detach.
But the remodel was including 1/2 the house literally, the kitchen had me most freaked out, and then he added the clincher--he wanted to do it all himself. (He literally has NEVER finished a project--part of why we had so many problems to begin with).
I protested--he got angry--I wrote letters (ala Men are From Mars) I learned 6 years ago not to nag and started doing more for him (his LL is Acts of Service) I was excercising like a fiend, dropped more weight (which is ALWAYS Ok.lol) and started to mentally just lose it. So I knew I had to detach and make myself happy.
My son is entering high school, I am (relatively) young at 47, I fell into teaching on a fluke but don't want to go back to it (I have been doing other jobs here and there through the years--worked at my son's school, have done medical transcription for my husband, etc)
He had told me a year or two ago that I could go back to school if I wanted to so I started focusing on that. I tried to keep up with all my husband was asking me to do, but he was like a little maniac running around barking orders. And he was becoming not only verbally abusive to me, but to our son--I lost it.
I made plans to leave--I knew he'd never go to counseling, I had done DBing before and what I learned back then wasn't working, well, except I GAL real quick and then I tasted...freedom?? I have made a ton of changes over the last 6 years. I'm not perfect, and lately I see MORE I can do...but I really would not have it too bad if we divorced
My husband is Very impatient, perfectionist, moody, never satisfied, not a Christian (very important to me now). Sexually, I am very high drive and he is super low. Which is weird because his second LL is physical touch. So I massage his legs and feet when he's off work and get turned on and he doesn't want to have sex. Ugh.
When "the second bomb" went off, ironically, it was me. I was done. He wanted to "talk to someone" and I thought--heck, why not. But I had no faith we'd get a decent counselor.
But we did get a halfway decent guy--a minister no less--and he said I need "Boundaries". That there is no way I should let him do this remodeling himself, he has not shown himself to be reliable.
But...I've been all over the place looking for "Boundaries 101".lol. I did find a site that gave me some great scripts for when he is losing it (daily right now) and what to do when he sulks (the flip side of anger). I stopped going to counseling after he gave me his basic "get boundaries and get your hands all over your H". He thinks I can change my H's low drive which...wow...I didn't think that could change and was willing to live with it.
So we went for 2 months, the first month was just me not really wanting to work on this anymore and then... we had a few sessions alone and the counselor spoke very differently to me. I think he sensed he could engage me if he got me privately.
I only needed one more session and I was ready to work on this again. My H seemed upset that I was "done", but the counselor got me back on track and that's all the counseling we needed really. And the guy was really expensive.lol.
This has gotten so long I know no guys are reading this far.lol. So ladies, if you can, direct me to some "boundary-type" sitchs please?
Oh, and KML I read on another thread is now divorced. I remember her from before, and I *think* her husband was a perfectionist like mine--I would love to be directed to her thread if anyone can link me.
DBing DOES work--hope I didn't discourage anyone. I am in a GREAT place even though there are some tough issues going on now--I think if I get the boundary stuff in place, I'll be back on track.
