Need some help!!!

[TrentC]

He keeps making it a point when I see him, to tell me that he has moved on and that I should do the same. He doesn't feel that he can get over what he has done to our marriage and his feelings for me.

This is typical WAS script. He's trying to justify to you and to himself what he is doing to the relationship.

There is a huge part of me that feels that my H and I can work on our M and be so much happier. For some reason it took his affair for me to snap out of my depression, and start to realize how much I love my H, but in his eyes it was too little too late.

It was the same for me; the left-behind spouses often feel like they were blindsided. There can be any number of reasons why this is; maybe we were that blind to the problems. Maybe the walkaway spouses weren't as good at communicating their feelings as they thought they were.

There are so many things that would be easy fixes to do, and others like the OW issue that would be harder.

Well, yes. As long as there is an OW, you can't work on your relationship because you don't really have one any more. There are very different opinions on how to handle unfaithful spouses on this board. Think long and hard before you take anyone's advice on it, because you are just as likely to ruin any chances of reconciliation as you are going to "bust" the affair.

The hard part for me to understand is the things that I always told him that I wanted for our relationship or what was lacking, he is now doing with the OW. I wanted more snuggling and more romance, heck I wanted him to pay attention to me like he used too. But he based his happiness in our M around sex, and I was the one with a LD to have sex. Which was mainly due to being pregnant, being depressed, and the birth control that I was on.

Our esteemed hostess has some tips on how to handle this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/11-tips-for-the-spouse-with-a-lower-sex-drive/
http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/9-tips-for-the-spouse-with-a-higher-sex-drive/

He truely is one of my only friends, which is sad. But I lost contact with most of my friends from High School when we moved. I am slowly starting to reconnect with some of them. GAL!!

One thing that my wife said to me early on was, "being the most important person in your life meant more when I wasn't the only thing in your life".

By going out and doing things by yourself and for yourself, you make yourself an interesting and fun person to be around.

Then there is another part of me, that feels this Divorce may be good. And I only say that is because my H has alot of issues from his childhood and has anger management issues, not to mention that his own parents divorce (which is going on right now too) that he needs to deal with. Which he is starting to do, I just hope he continues to do so. His anger is one of the main things that pushed me away and made me put up my guard around him. The slightest thing would set him off. And he claims that it only happens when he is around his mother and myself. I know for my part, it usually happened when I would disagree or point out something wrong to him. But most of the time he was misunderstanding what I was trying to get accross.

You might want to head over to the Mid-Life Crisis forums and see what they have to say. Many MLC's are based on unresolved childhood issues and triggered by a catastrophic event such as the loss of a parent or family member, divorce, job loss, etc.

This situation has showed me that I can stand up for myself and that no matter what happens I will continue to show my boys how much I love them. So for now, I am keeping my heart open to what may or may not happen. I find the strength to keep my love for my husband alive thanks in part to my boys.

The best way to keep your hope and your love alive is to not succumb to anger and resentment.