I am dealing with the same dilemna. W (I think) is still w/ OM. You do not want to cultivate the idea that you are mad or ignoring. You are not trying to force behaviors here IMO because it will be an endless cycle of you playing that game.
She knows you don't want a relationship with her while OM is still in picture.
Instead you have to be the pillar of confidence, courage and strength. I have told my W that I will give her space, wait, work on myself, be joyful and most of all be patient. I do this for ME and my M. I am standing up for my M by being the best person I can be. That means I am taking care of ME.
There is no way you can force behaviors that result in genuine change. If you force and she isn't ready you'll be back here quickly.
You feel melty I think because you are not clear on purpose. IMO going dark has to be for YOU- not to force change. Go dark if you need the boundary for your own health and sanity. A boundary is something to protect YOU. Not to force behavior.
I think if you can handle it, it is better to be the cool dude here and if she fires one over the net at you then you confidently lob it back. I think you don't contact her but if she contacts you then... an opportunity to present the cool dude you've become.
"I'm not ignoring you. Is there something you want to talk about?"
Do not pursue! And don't talk about R. If she brings it up then validate, just listen-DON'T ARGUE. She has already contacted you after the dark stage so it will continue to happen. When she does she gets to talk to cool, confident Jasper.
Not the Jasper that she kicked in the nuts.
Now the trick my friend is you actually have to BE the cool, confident Jasper. And...
... you are getting there my friend with your detaching and GALing.
Just think... when she calls... you just put on side two of Led Zeppelin Four and be the man! (sorry a little Fast Times a R High reference).
Stay with it man ...you'll get there.
P.S. I was born in SE FLA a lot going on down there for cool, confident cat!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
