Hey hun! Hope things feel a bit calmer for you by the time you read this.. gonna be about all day and have left FB on if you need to chat! Will only be popping back and forth from the computer to get coffee etc so hang about (())
Firstly as the others said I cant see how this can have been your fault, H was gunning for an argument and hell bent on organising you into one come what may! He knows what buttons to push and by the sounds of it kept hitting them till you caved.
No one with an ounce of compassions starts a custody conversation at 9pm at night, what a barsteward..
Ok he got you in a pickle and you asked for a hug, you wont do that again in a hurry, but cant say we havent all just wanted to kiss and make up at some point in our own messes, just they arnt in a kiss and make up mood!
Honestly Id take the GF thing with a pinch of salt, btw he said it, it certainly sounds like a cannon ball thrown in just to kick you off as you obviously did hold pretty well for a while as other wise he wouldnt have had to turn to nastier ammunition.
Just take care of you and S now for as long as you want and need, as they would say over here "send him to coventry" or NC big time!
Always here and if you wanna ring me message me on the alt and we can chat too..
Hugest hugs, sorry I couldnt get to post earlier it kept telling me you'd deleted the post! Was dead worried about you! (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Well this is it. I just realized I was dumped. And all my work at DB just gave him the impression we would divorce "peacefully" and as friends. Doormat.
I don't think he's done with you by a long shot--keep DBing like CRAZY!!!
Anger, although annoying, and needs to have boundaries, is energy and lots of it. When they are "done", they don't put energy towards you any longer. Pushing your buttons will be the last thing on his mind.
When they get quiet, even "friendly", THAT is the time to worry.
My husband right now is in "anger" and sulking mode (the opposite of anger is sulking). I am not even a bit worried he is "done". He is not wanting this relationship to be over, but he also does not want to give up his anger, which according to my research is like an addiction and makes him feel strong and powerful. He has to learn a new way to deal with his anger, not take it out on me.
I am doing my boundaries, and also working on MORE positives than I EVER have before. Still hard, but I do have a peace that came from TONS of work here 5-6 years ago. In other words, I have a really good "base" to work from.
Last time this happened I did Acts of Service like crazy (I didn't have a clue back then about LLs.) I called him at work a lot (a 180 FOR ME). I started to massage his feet every night he was home. (his other LL is physical touch)
I learned to self sooth, pray, appreciate the little things--it's not an "easy jounrney", but.. there is "joy", too. I loved "confusing" him with my changes. He just doesn't know (and still doesn't with my latest changes) what to think of me.
DBing will give you tools to change your relationships--heck, I use this stuff on EVERYONE now!! You will always face difficult people, or people that are temporarily difficult for whatever reason (stress, illness, etc). Validating, speaking to their LLs, etc--ALL so helpful and ALWAYS, when they come out of the fog, appreciated. You can "be there" for people like no one else can.
Oh--learn how to love him unconditionally, but in a detached way. I "love" my husband (it is a verb and I promised "to love", not "be in love") but I don't like him much at all right now. Crazy huh! It's great though--he doesn't "affect" me the same way when he doesn't hug me back. I actually could care less. I get tickled to death that he has so little affect on my emotions!!
Here is one of my favorite verses from all those years ago. I LOVE to give it to people who are struggling. It gave me so much peace when I heard it the first time.
Romans 5:3
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
I hope this verse speaks to you and brings you peace like it did me. You are suffering, but it will NOT be in vain. You WILL have hope, and hope will never disappoint!
Well this is it. I just realized I was dumped. And all my work at DB just gave him the impression we would divorce "peacefully" and as friends. Doormat.
H4L, I don't think it's that simple or clear, fortunately and unfortunately. I do think that you have a huge vulnerability that is clouding things for you though...and that's your concern for about your son and how to manage things for him. This has created a lot of enforced togetherness between you and H at times when it hasn't been healthy for either of you. I don't have any solutions for you, but I hope that you can look at how to shift things to make things work better for yourself. Remember that our children need us to take care of ourselves...even at the expense of their own needs at times. That's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way...having deeply failed my children by failing to nurture my M as I poured my focus into them.
LauraOh, it's very interesting to read your thoughts! You make a lot of good points.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks Flomom--I didn't mean to hijack H4L's thread. I am "back" sort of--I never did take care of the boundary issues like I should have the first time I was here.
To be honest, the verbal abuse and anger REALLY subsided after about 6 months of DBing. Some stresses of the past year have brought them right back though...
My husband has always been very impatiant. When he is stressed, he is verbally abusive. I was shocked when it first happened--he looks like an angel to everyone else, and all of a sudden he can let loose with the most VILE stuff.
I became, in my own way, abusive back. It's like the chicken and the egg--I am not sure which came first.
That totally doesn't matter--I learned things to better ME, and as a result the relationship got MUCH better.
So, I have "lived" this stuff and it works--now I need to learn how to make and enforce boundaries better.
I'm hoping it doesn't take too much longer (I'm in my 3rd month and we've been married an additional 6 years since I was last here). I'm hoping it's another 3 months to go and NOT 12.lol.
Laura - I have a big problem with H's verbal abuse anger. As long as I"m a dbing saint I can contain and minimize it but I"m tired of being the one to keep everything in check.
At some point, can't they see how they are acting and stop pointing fingers?
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
I don't think he's done with you by a long shot--keep DBing like CRAZY!!!
Anger, although annoying, and needs to have boundaries, is energy and lots of it. When they are "done", they don't put energy towards you any longer. Pushing your buttons will be the last thing on his mind.
When they get quiet, even "friendly", THAT is the time to worry.
Laura that IS WHAT WORRIES me. What I thought was "progress" lately in our getting along is actually friendly.
I think I mis read it. The other night I got the "I like and love you but I don't want to be in a R with you" speech and he said he wanted to do this friendly.
Now he wants to see S and not with me
No more time with me for anger.
Im really really scared.
And this gf for the past eight months.
Time I got real I think - I"ve been DBing and it's allowed me to believe there was hope when there wasn't - I should have laid down a boundary and gone dark MONTHS AND MONTHS ago.
Flowmom: H4L, I don't think it's that simple or clear, fortunately and unfortunately.
Agree^. Unfortunately. Also, FM's point about taking care of yourself to be able to take care of S well. It's like on an airplane where you're supposed to strap on your own oxygen mask first before your child's during an emergency.
