Spin Free, can you tell me straight up: do you love your wife and are you willing to do anything to get back romantic love in your marriage? If not, if you are not willing to do ANYTHING it takes, then it likely won't happen.
The short answer is no. I have boundaries of personal integrity that I am not willing to violate. No I won't do ANYTHING for love. (with apologies to Mr. Loaf)
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
If you are not willing, that's ok. I'm not asking the question because you should or shouldn't be willing. It's up to you. How much value do you place on being happily married again? Is it your top priority in life? DQ
Yes, being happily married is "A" top priority.
What happened. We talked. I listened. I listened some more.
When she was done, I told her that we had agreed to give this thing (teaching) one more year for all the reasons that she knew why. I *was* going to be in a happy, healthy, stable, child nurturing, sexually fulfilled relationship and that may or may not be with her. I was dead serious and she knew it.
I listened HARD to everything that was actionable on my part. I laid firm boundaries on things that I have no control over. (Like when our children get home from school. Minor mind reading that there was just some general venting thrown in there.)
In these past couple of weeks, things have changed dramatically around the house. We are far less short with each other and our sex life has gone through the roof.
I make daily lists of things that need to be done to meet her needs and she has opened up sexually in ways that she never has before.
One of my big changes is that I don't gripe about my students to her anymore. It breaks my heart when they take paths that lead to jail. I have found other outlets for that angst. There are little things that I do around the house that I think serve mostly to validate that I was listening and am willing to do my part.
I think there may have been outside influence as well. Our relationship was going badly. She really thought that I would never leave her no matter how badly she treated me. (had said so to me) She had also told her friends that no one would have me and I'd be back in 2 days. I think one of her single friends disabused her of that notion. I felt rotten knowing how little she thought of me. I think that the realization that I was on my way out the door really shocked her. It has been night and day.
I am GALing. I am enjoying my new marriage. I am working to provide leadership. Her lack of a job is still an issue but we are working through it.
I'll never know what was the biggest contributor, but there have been very real changes in both of us. I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut".
.....I have boundaries of personal integrity that I am not willing to violate. No I won't do ANYTHING for love. (with apologies to Mr. Loaf)
...being happily married is "A" top priority.
...I *was* going to be in a happy, healthy, stable, child nurturing, sexually fulfilled relationship and that may or may not be with her. I was dead serious and she knew it.
....In these past couple of weeks, things have changed dramatically around the house. We are far less short with each other and our sex life has gone through the roof.
....I make daily lists of things that need to be done to meet her needs and she has opened up sexually in ways that she never has before.
...There are little things that I do around the house that I think serve mostly to validate that I was listening and am willing to do my part.
...She really thought that I would never leave her no matter how badly she treated me. (had said so to me) She had also told her friends that no one would have me and I'd be back in 2 days. I think one of her single friends disabused her of that notion.
...I am GALing. I am enjoying my new marriage. I am working to provide leadership.
...I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut". SpinFree
+1 I think that is a great set of observations and great advice on what it takes to resolve a SSM! I so feel that your comments are right on track from almost everything I have read and experienced.
Quote:
...I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut".
I am reminded of something I saw on a TV show about the 442nd regiment (Nisei-Japanese-American soldiers) during WW2. There was a discussion of what one father told his son who was going off to war. It was to consider himself as dead the moment he left home, as that would give himself the detachment (and clarity of mind) he would need in combat to survive.
I am also reminded of a story about a japanese merchant who happened to be a master of the tea cerimony and was challenged to a duel by a visiting samauri. When he sought the advice of the local martial arts master in his village, the merchant was told to put himself in the same zen-like mental state of detachment as he achieved in a tea ceremony the moment before the dual started. The marial arts master told him if he did that and had a basic skill with his sword, his opponent would not live to see the next day, even if the merchant died in the process. The story ended with the visiting samauri seeing the merchants focus and finding a reason to avoid the duel.
While trying to fix a broken marriage may not be mortal combat, they both may require some shared skills, i.e. levels of dedication and detachment. I know that I have found myself at time saying that I will not get sucked into certain fights with my wife, that I will not get angry now (as it would cause me to loose focus), and that I will not get defensive in some of the discussions with my wife. Most importantly, that I will not try to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do herself.
I sort of feel like one needs to heal oneself and figure out what you want with your own life, then offer your spouse the opportunity and encouragement to join you (or not) without trying to pressure them. If they join you, then the two of you will be in a wonderful place together. .....and that requires as you say a degree of detatchment and acceptance that your partner will choose either to move toward you or (as you are GAL-changing) allow the two of you to move apart.
Well done and congratulations for the courage of your actions, for the insights you have shared.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
SpinFree...I'm happy for your update. I hope it lasts. If you keep up the things that worked to get you in a better place, it may last. If you slack off and accept less than all you want or deserve, she will likely slack off again, too.
Her thinking you would never leave no matter how bad it got, and her getting that idea readjusted in her head, was a really REALLY great step. I think that all spouses need to understand this about each other and should never be feeling that their spouse would never leave. We should always be acting as if our partner may leave if we don't keep up our end of the deal. Never get complacent, never get arrogant about your spouse's love for you, never take it for granted.
So at this point, if this better place for you lasts for a while, I hope you would show her how much happier you are, so she will feel that her new behavior can make you both happier, and she will feel the reward of her changes. I hope that makes sense. She will likely revert to her old ways soon if she doesn't feel that her changes made a positive difference. You don't need to kiss her feet and thank her profusely...instead, hopefully you will show her more love and more understanding and more of the things she is needing from the relationship.
