The latest with me

[mindfull]

Romeo -

No, I don't like the jeans.

I'll hug ya if I ever see ya.

#1 - utility bills - anything for the house you live in, change to you, and handle it yourself.
#2 - visitation - i like your response... I can't imagine splitting weekends, though. But, if it works for you two, that's all that matters!!
#3 - Isn't D6 in Kindergarten? If school is open, isnt she supposed to be there? CA schools may be different... IL schools are off tomorrow!

HUGS friend. None of this is easy.

You WILL look great, though!

[ImprovedRomeo]

I'm kinda upset at STBXW after her email so maybe my logic is flawed:

1. Utility bills - changing to my name is the plan but I want her to say it. Anything she wants to change because of her moving out she needs to come out and say it so she has a sense of what she's doing to both me and DD.

2. Visitation - I suppose her schedule could work too but I'm not here to agree outright to everything she says that suits her agenda. I want to question it before I agree. I'm almost certain she's doing it so the schedule matches the other family that lives there so they can plan out their weekends in advance.

3. Yes she's in kindergarten, she's 5.5yo. She goes to a private day care school for kindergarten. They're not that strict about it.

Thanks for your guys comments!! I'm not even sure why I'm upset maybe because she's got her life all setup by surrounding herself with roommates and friends that support her agenda while I have to pick up the pieces and try to put my and DD's life back on track alone.

[alice444]

I'm kinda upset at STBXW after her email so maybe my logic is flawed:

1. Utility bills - changing to my name is the plan but I want her to say it. Anything she wants to change because of her moving out she needs to come out and say it so she has a sense of what she's doing to both me and DD.

ok, I had to log back on after I saw this on my BB, buddy... how would it feel if you just changed it (can you do that w/out her?) and didn't tell her or told her later? You are letting yourself rely on her action/decision to take your own action, which must make you end up feeling worse and powerless, no? I see your point of wanting her to make the decision, of facing consequences from her action-- but that isn't part of GAL- it's letting her lead you around however she wants. The key here is that it's not her who wants to change it- it's you. So you change it, don't be at her mercy. Or you tell her- this isn't working for me, you need to change it. That way you are in charge. If there's something she wants to change (e.g., visitation, she WILL have to ask you, etc.) But this little one is for you --

2. Visitation - I suppose her schedule could work too but I'm not here to agree outright to everything she says that suits her agenda. I want to question it before I agree. I'm almost certain she's doing it so the schedule matches the other family that lives there so they can plan out their weekends in advance.

No, you're not here to agree with her. Think instead about what is best for you and D- the schedule you have now? If you're not tied to it, is W trustworthy enough for you to suggest a trial of a different schedule with you having absolute say to change it back if it doesn't work for you? If not, or if it's not right for you and D, don't do it. Don't worry about why she's doing it or if it works for her- it doesn't matter. If she had some pressing reason like a work schedule changed, that would be different. Last I checked, you are the one with work and she has lots of free time- it should revolve more around you.

3. Yes she's in kindergarten, she's 5.5yo. She goes to a private day care school for kindergarten. They're not that strict about it.

Take her! Jeez, I wish my dad had been involved enough to think of taking me out of school a few days to do something fun and awesome like that- please take her!!!

Thanks for your guys comments!! I'm not even sure why I'm upset maybe because she's got her life all setup by surrounding herself with roommates and friends that support her agenda while I have to pick up the pieces and try to put my and DD's life back on track alone.

You are not alone. We are here. You are not alone. You don't even know if W is happy- this may be all illusion and fluff, she could be the most insecure, miserable person ever- she won't let you know if she is, though. I think it's high time you started getting out and meeting some people to hang out with in your copious free time . Maybe even- gasp- instead of hanging out with us here for hours a day . You are a cool guy- I would hang out with you if you were closer. I am not a loser, ergo, you can find other cool, nice non-weird people to make friends with if you want to. I want to hear about activities you'd like to try that involve other people- adults. All the stuff you put on your list is great, but it's about your person or solo activities. Even making some acquaintances will help you not feel so alone- just someone to go to a game or a movie with once in awhile, you know?

(((SR)))

[ImprovedRomeo]

Juno!!! I like it - I didn't know who it was until I saw the sig

Yeah after sleeping on it I decided on the following response:

"I have the day off so we'll be doing some stuff down in San Diego today. I'm OK with trying out the new weekend schedule if it works out better for DD. -H"

Just told DD we're going to Legoland today, she looked more surprised than excited but I'm sure it'll change when we get there.

I know she really could be miserable. She's really good at hiding her feelings. She always puts up a front that's a happy cheery person and people love her but inside she's not happy. There's a reason she's been on medication since college. I know, I want to make friends (and I'd LOVE to hang out with you guys too) but it's not that easy for me. Maybe with the new weekend schedule I might be able to get out a bit but where do you even meet/find people when you're not in college anymore lol

[alice444]

Juno!!! I like it - I didn't know who it was until I saw the sig

Yeah after sleeping on it I decided on the following response:

"I have the day off so we'll be doing some stuff down in San Diego today. I'm OK with trying out the new weekend schedule if it works out better for DD. -H"

Just told DD we're going to Legoland today, she looked more surprised than excited but I'm sure it'll change when we get there.

Good for you- I expect a full report! She is so lucky to have a Daddy like you- seriously.

I know she really could be miserable. She's really good at hiding her feelings. She always puts up a front that's a happy cheery person and people love her but inside she's not happy. There's a reason she's been on medication since college.

Remember this when you're feeling like she has this full life yet you're alone. It sucks, but it probably really is better to be alone and content than be surrounded by people and lonely and miserable.

I know, I want to make friends (and I'd LOVE to hang out with you guys too) but it's not that easy for me. Maybe with the new weekend schedule I might be able to get out a bit but where do you even meet/find people when you're not in college anymore lol

ROAD TRIP! LOL. Yes, I've struggled with this too. Here's where I've met some people:

- singing class- a bit outside my comfort zone- I act but don't often sing. I met my best friend there 6 years ago- I can still hardly believe it!
- theatre- acting is a passion of mine.
- soccer- I've played on a few teams. Haven't made best friends, but at the least, it's a few nice people I see once a week. Sometimes they invite me to play on other teams with them, which leads to more encounters with people.
- neighbors- just one or two, but I had to break out of my comfort zone for this, too. I tend to keep to myself or ask "why would they want to talk to me?" I have a hard time meeting people and making friends, too.
- my moms group- this hasn't yielded best friends either, but we have more social invitations (b-days) on the weekends than I had before kids! Again, at the least, it's people I have something in common with that fills a few hours on the weekends and we get to watch our kids have fun. We also have a monthly mom's night out that I organize- I volunteered to organize it so I was obligated to participate. It's something I really look forward to now.
- parents of friends of my kid at school. Slowly, over time, I've met and talked to other parents of my D's friends. This winter I started emailing them about meeting at the park on Saturday mornings. We've had a few weekends where I got a chance to watch D play and talk to other parents. One mom is going through a separation herself, and we've ended up having dinner together with the kids after school a few times.

I swear I am shy and have a hard time meeting people, too. A lot of this has taken a long time- and I never knew (when I was entertaining all my fears about becoming a parent and "losing my life") that having D could yield to me meeting so many more people than I met before! Your D is an age where she could join a team (you could coach- the other parents have to talk to you, then), or something like brownies that encourages parent participation. It's worth a shot. Do you have any ideas that feel comfortable to you?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

totally agreed with Juno on his post before last.

and Romeo, I feel that you are reading your wife too much. there is too much assuming your doing. and I also see where you are wanting so hard to make her feel the consequences that you are missing on what might be better for you.

perhaps this new schedule would be really good for you? if you think it isn't, then don't do it, and if it sounds like it could be good, then try it.

so, I think your email was good, I would have stated on there that you would let her know after 2 weeks if it works out or not, and if it doesn't you will need to go back to the original schedule. otherwise, I have a feeling if you don't like it, and she really does, it'll be hard to change back.

oh and you should definitely take your kid out!! she isn't gonna miss much. I home schooled for 3 years and my kid was so far ahead it was sad. And it is quite amazing that you are doing that for her. I hope she has a great time! you are such a cool dad!!!

and yes, get out there and meet people! are you in a mens group at church or anything? spring is here, what about a golf team, or bowling or softball team?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Today's journaling...

While I'd hoped it would be a great day but it turned out to be a mixed day. DD was a bit sensitive this morning, just on the verge of crying for no reason. I packed up some snacks for the drive, some water, first-aid type kit with basic meds etc, switched the seat from the car to the truck and left home at 9AM. Go to the gas station to fill up before heading down the fwy and DD starts wailing as I'm trying to clean the windows from the outside. She wants me to sit inside with her. I explain I'm just right outside etc but she wasn't listening. I left her crying while I quickly finished up. Then hugged her again...she was out of control with the crying. She's been like that a lot where she follows me room to room and can't be by herself for even a couple of minutes.

Anyway, we had another hour worth of fwy driving ahead of us so once we got out of town I pulled off into a scenic lookout area, we fed the birds, took a few pics and back on the fwy. We made it to Legoland around 10:15AM. We went on a few rides then had lunch. The place was packed! every ride had a 45min to 1hr wait. DD was tired but soldiered on wanting to keep trying different rides etc. Plus my back started killing me holding DD in the lines for 15-20mins at a time since she was tired of standing. But she was having a blast so I kept going.

I had several weak moments throughout the day where I missed W by myside. I felt incomplete, I looked at all the other young families I was the only one without a W or so it seemed. Then saw a few hot moms (like my W) and I really missed holding her hands or putting my arms around her back etc not that my W is very touchy feely but I am lol

A couple of times DD said 'we should bring mommy here' because she was having fun on the rides and even said that it was better than Disneyland.

So finally at 4PM we decided to head back. Traffic was kinda bad but DD fell asleep. Then just before getting home I decided to pick up dinner on the way...bad idea! DD threw such a fit about me waking her up I almost lost it. Even when I picked her up to carry her into the store she started kicking me etc which she's never done before and I had to had a talk with her which made her go from being fussy to just plain sad and crying...saying she wanted mommy. Ordered the food, then waited while holding DD the whole time and rubbing her back, she'd finally calmed down. Go the food, came home and realized I dropped my $200 sunglasses somewhere between the store and the truck. Called the store, nope they don't have it...ugh! not a good ending to a pretty fun day.

Then at home DD was still upset and said she missed mommy...I sometimes just want to give up. She was playing with her food after she'd said she was hungry so I told her to stop playing with her food and eat...more tears, more crying, more of I miss mommy. Anyway, then she was OK after a bit and wanted to watch a cartoon, she loves Caillou. Then it was time for her to get ready and go to bed...

In a way I'm proud of myself that I stepped out of my comfort zone to take her out to Legoland by myself for the whole day. Other than a few rough moments it was a good fun day for her. I hope one day she can remember the fun things we did together.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Juno, as always thanks for the encouragement, the kind words and your advice. I too like reading your comments and input very much

As far as meeting people, those are some great suggestions. I have friends, lots of them actually that I can call and talk to but no one that I can hang out with or bring DD over and play with their kids. I used to know lots of parents from DD's day care but most of those kids went to other schools for kindergarden - W stayed in touch with some but I couldn't because of my job and I figured if W was in touch in a way we all were...heh.

I think for me comfortable would be meeting people through activities like on meetup.com hiking/camping/biking kinda activities. Again, I feel I'd be better off finding people in similar situations as me because they might be more understanding.

ST, you're right. One email from W sends me spiraling out of control. In a way I do better when I don't hear from her. You're right I think this schedule may work out to be better for me too. The hard part will be not seeing her for the whole weekend (3 days actually). Thanks to you too for saying I'm a cool dad. It's so nice to hear that after doing the best I can and feeling like I'll never be as good or as special to her as her mom - maybe when she's a teenager and hates her mom!

ST, you're only 33, how'd you get to be so smart?!

[flowmom]

SR, it sounds like your D is having a rough time. Is she getting enough sleep? Maybe something to discuss with your W. Being tired makes children so much more fragile, and often clingy. It sounds like you made the day really special...it sounds like she really enjoyed it .

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hi FM! Yes, today she was definitely tired, heck I'm exhausted after running around at legoland all day so her later episodes are understandable. However, I've noticed that since we split up she's more clingy and sensitive...again it's pretty understandable, I'm sure she misses her mom like any other little kid.