Rough couple of weeks stopping the AD meds, but overall, doing real good now and am on mild anti-anxiety meds. Beginning to realize that low-level chronic anxiety has really been a life-long problem. Exercising even more, meditating even more (have added chanting after investigating it after - flowmom was it? - made mention of it several times. Seems to help still the mind further and offer a different way of monitoring and being conscious of my breathing.
Am also slooowing down. In everything I do. Trying to recapture my mindfulness.
Am trying these and other complimentary approaches to become more aware of - and feel - the anxiety. I find it helps to keep it in check.
Getting out/reaching out more. No/low money things.
Adopting Gypsy's approach of tackling first that which I fear the most. Has been very helpful in chipping away at the procrastination. And with the "worst" done and behind me, there's a sense of accomplishment and a sense that even if that one's the only one I tackle that day, I'm content with that.
I lost another customer due to the economy. Not sure, but I may have crossed that threshold of now making slightly less than my monthly nut. But I'll get over that and through it.
I'm going to Colorado at the end of the month for five days to visit S,33 in his new house on the mountain. It's been a little over a year since I've seen him last and I can't wait.
Have interviewed three new, nearby ICs. Had to shelve the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for now because in thi$ neck of the woods, CBT, like everything else, is quite expensive: $250/initial consult and $225 thereafter per weekly visit. Nope, gonna have to pa$$ for now.
One IC has had some training in CBT and I really clicked with her. Came away feeling understood, cared about and cared for and with the sense of - no, actually her assurance of - her being a real task master and not just a passive, friendly, supportive listener which is all my last IC was.
I also consulted with a psychiatrist who I saw for 6 or so sessions in '06 as I undertook quitting alcohol. Back then, I had I asked Mrs. G. to accompany me and, thankfully, she did; it helped a lot. When I brought him up to date on the last 4+ years, and the walk away, inexplicable alien behavior of former wife (adding a description of her horrid FOO and upbringing) as well as the sudden death of her physically abusive father five months before the Bomb, he made a most interesting comment: "I always had a sense that Mrs. G. was speaking from a place of deep trauma."
Sort of brought me back to my DB stance in the beginning of always reminding myself, "Your best friend is in an awful lot of pain and very confused."
That helped me, but never really helped the sitch: I couldn't get through that wall of pain.
Am organizing a mini high school reunion outside the normal Alumni Reunion fiascos: just my old crowd. End of May. 11 invited, 10 confirmed.
When I told S,33 of my itinerary to Colorado, he announced my birthday present for July. He works for a recording/touring "bluegrass/rock" band with 10 albums under their belt. Also does Security at various musical festivals/concerts and cruises. Well, he informed me that he bought me airfare to Portland, OR for a musical festival he's working. I'm going to be working for him, handling backstage/all-access Security for 4 days. I'm thrilled! Might even have time to drive over to Eugene and check that town out while I'm there.
Long post, but I've kinda been away as you know. That and I can't remember the last time I posted a journal listing nothing but positive developments!
Thanks. I'll be catching back up with you guys over the next few days
***End Long Journal Warning***
Last edited by Gardener; 04/03/1003:17 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
