Exh is struggling financially. Not really his fault.
It's completely his fault. No one forced him to work there or to NOT get a job elsewhere OR to not have two jobs. Good grief, he has enough kids and former spouses to justify 3 jobs. Why make excuses for him? WHat are you doing?
The company he works for (his exfil) is very slow. He has been getting half the hours he used to. He is stressed and I can see it. What's new? When was he normal in the time you've been here? (Never).
The next question will be for me to reduce his CS. Obviously not going to. He isn't happy how things are going there. Was talking about quitting and working for his brother.
So have him do it already... He is being strange. No more sexual advances but is being really nice. Not sure the motive yet. WTH? Why do you give a crap what this moron does? I would spend ZERO time and energy noticing what he does and even less time questioning his motive. Who cares? OMG S2, obviously you are still so dependent on him and yet you know he's a loser with a capital L.....you have to GAL for real or this pathetic excuse for a man will keep on occupying your time and energy.
Honey there's very little I can do or say to help you if this is the mentality you are going to have. He's bad news.
I have no idea what you are talking about when you refer vaguely to some sort of improvement on his end. Oh, you mean he and the MGF are not seeing each other? How on earth does that effect you? Oh he has empty time on his hands so he visits his ex w and flirts with her sexually. And you engage him on it. And why say it doesn't offend you? IT SHOULD OFFEND YOU b/c you're not a ho. He did nothing FOR YOU or YOUR R, or for his r's with the kids. A woman broke up with him! OR he broke up with her b/c she had an expectation of him. Either way, what the heck do you care?? And why do you see that as a sign of anything but how desparate and terrified HE is, of being alone with his horrid self?? (b/c He visits the kids more? NOT As much as he's allowed but more than the 10% he WAS doing when he had a sex partner....oh...gee that IS impressive.)
And you're joining him in that deseparate fear of being alone!! As if being alone is the worst thing in the world. Being alone is NOT the worst thing in the world--- wishing you were alone, IS.
Today when he came by to finish up babys insurance forms baby was happy to see him. She is getting used to him coming more often a......He sent a text 30 seconds later saying 'that makes me sad'...I jsut said me to exh, me too!
What a blow it!
blah blah blah more of the same...when will it end? When you end it. No sooner. ALL UP TO YOU j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know these things, but for whatever reason when he is here and things are good I have this comfortable feeling. I know he has done horrible things so why in the world I feel comfortable is crazy. I like having the attention, I like having the companionship. Its wrong..yes, I know that.
I am trying to wean baby (Sorry guys if its TMI). She has an appointment with a pediatric dentist in a couple of week and I have a feeling he will say that her night nursing is the culprit of the decay. I have done a ton of reading about it and more than 75% say the decay comes from the 'bottle mouth' or in my case nursing. Shes 2...she doesn't need it anyway. It was easier for me to get sleep and go along with it than to fight her.
This is where I really had some help at night. Helping her transistion into self soothing is not easy when what she wants is right there with me. It would be easier if I had a husband to take over sometimes. Its such a comfort/security thing with baby, going to be tough to break.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I would be almost certain, your daughter cannot have decay from you nursing. that is not how it happens. I nursed my babies till 2 and over.
that is from bottle fed, it is completely different.
but, anyways, I think 2 years old is a perfect time to wean. and of course that's not TMI..unless you were giving details HOW you were breast feeding! lol
hey, if it helps, I did have a H here, but didn't get any help with weaning. I was pretty much on my own.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
no he won't, unless he has some kind of crazy wakeup call.
I think it is okay to allow a slight bit more open availability or communication, but not to the extreme you had been doing recently. You do want to encourage his good behavior, and I know that you want that comfort feeling, but he does need to work for what you are giving him.
plus the fact that you are allowing him to fulfill an emotional need which you cannot keep expecting, because he has not been able to prove consistency to you yet, and it would take months and months to really do that.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Exh said he wanted to talk to me yesterday. I thought for sure we would have the taking baby unsupervised discussion. He asked me if I have noticed the changes in him. I honestly said Yes, the last few weeks have been different. Can't lie. He went on with the 'i am changing my life speech. I want a good relationship with my 3 daughters and see what happens with you SO2". I said we know what happens with us....you like this for awhile and you get bored, lonely, or horney and you go looking for that greener grass. He said he knows it will take awhile for me to trust him, but he is going to prove I am wrong. I didn't even bring up the sobriety issue as I know the stuff he said is just for now.
He was here yesterday doing some stuff for me again and then said he had to go to his brothers for a bit but begged me to wait for him to color eggs with baby. He also thought we could have dinner and take baby in hottub after. He had this whole evening planned out. What he didn't know is I can bet that he would cancel...Saturday afternoon he is going to be fighting urges to drink.
Sure enough about 4 he sent a text "you color eggs, going home with a migraine". I just said ok. Baby, D18 and I colored eggs, had dinner and went in hottub. We had fun doing the eggs, but with a 2 year old it sure makes a mess. She insisted on not using the dipper but using her hands to grab the eggs!
My S16 went fishing all day yesterday and exh had left him a message to bring some fish by when he got home. At 8:30 my S16 called me and said that he called exh back and his D13 answered his phone. When she gave the phone to exh he was all slurry and could hardly talk. My S16 just said he will talk to him tomorrow.
Makes me sad. I just wish exh would realize what is happening and its getting worse and he needs to do something or he will most likely die this way.
Oh, my exsil talked to her son who was at the bbq at exh's brothers. He said exh was drinking...then he drove home 45 minutes that way. I can't believe after the last DUI and just geting his license back he takes that risk again. I can bet I know what happened at the bbq...its the brother that is sober and on fire for being sober. Exh had a few beers, knows that he couldnt' have anymore, needed more, and came up with headache excuse to leave.
Anyway, today is Easter. Going to church, my moms, nap, back to my moms. Hunting lots of eggs too!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
S2, I know my last post was harsh sounding. Can you see why I felt it was necessary to view him and his behavior this way, and to remind you of how dangerous he is? I honestly believe someone will die because of him. It's up to you to decide if you or your children will be one of his future victims. Sorry, but I feel I have to warn you of that b/c it's too easy for you to forget when he acts reasonable.
If he got sober, and that's a huge IF, he'd need to be that way a good 2 YEARS before it's worth mentioning, let alone acting on. I say this based on the most personal of experiences.
I would not bother addressing anything other than thanking him MODERATELY (come on, it's not exactly "heroic" to act normal for 2-3 weeks) for his positives, but leave no room for discussion about you two until if and when he gets sober. People in the program don't claim sobriety until that mark has passed, and even then, forever, it's a matter of "alcoholic in recovery" as opposed to being an "active alcoholic"...your h is an active alcoholic. He cannot be in a real relationship now. He may never be able to.
IF he ever becomes an alcoholic in recovery, then maybe he'll have unsupervised visits. That's it. What is with all this hope for more with HIM? I just don't get it. Where's the "treasure" on the other side of the high wall?
What reason is there for you to wait around hoping he becomes truly sober (and not briefly visiting it as an "idea" with expectations immediately attached) And enduring this kind of insanity WHILE waiting for sobriety to happen - which may never occur, and assuming that IF he becomes sober it will also mean he becomes a great guy (the two are not necessarily related) AND that he'll want to be m to you again???
Wouldn't it be easier for him to either keep drinking and find someone who doesn't care OR who drinks herself? (YES!!) OR IF he gets sober, wouldn't it be easier for him to start fresh with someone for whom he does not need to make amends? Someone who doesn't know this side of him....??? (YES)
AND BASED on his history, won't he always choose the easiest route?
I don't think this divorced man is someone you should wait around for. The m ended for several reasons. I mean, it's not a m you are trying to save, b/c the m ended some time ago, correct? I have never told anyone but you, to move on this way. But I hope you do.
It IS sad. But there's a sadder possibility than seeing him waste his life and endangering others' ---and that's you letting him drag you and baby down with him....and God knows who else. I mean it when I say, I fear someone will die because of him. Please don't let it be you or yours. I'm sorry to say that, but I feel compelled to say that, maybe even "called" to.
Have a good PEACEFUL Easter please.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
although 25, even though what happened happened...I don't see any loss she is feeling from his actions.
I do know that what you said is right, and I would agree with the 2 years thing. I have a friend who went 1 year two different times w/o crack (and this girl hates having the problem and is not a consistent user, just uses once in a while and it wrecks her life temporarily) so I think 2 years is a good time frame, and like you said, it is still an addict, but recovering. it is a lifetime of making different choices.
SO2, how did you feel when he didn't show up? I sensed that you were not emotional about that, and it didn't really matter. and that's good.
I hope you continue to stay strong with him, and keep those healthy boundaries with him.
it is sad that he can't acknowledge his problem. it may be a very long time before he does.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I guess I should make myself clearer...Im not intending on going back to exh. Not at all. I would be lying if what he was saying and doing didn't make me sad. Flawed or not I married him..had a child with him. What he does will affect my daughter and I will protect her. Because of his supervised visits I do have to deal with exh more than most on these boards who just deal with their ex's during kid exchanges. Like my attorney said, I have a great thing going with exh now. He hasn't fought anything and is being rather transparent with his actions. I am not going to be some bit** and force his hand out of anger to change something as we all know there is no guarantees i will be able to prove his alcoholism. So, for me to keep my boundaries up and keep exh coming during his regular visits thats fine with me...I will still have alot of control of what happens with baby.
Yes, it makes me very sad. He was my husband and yes it was a very flawed marriage, but we were married. I don't like to see anyone struggle like exh is but the more knowledge I have the more I may have to use later.
Please believe me when I say that I am not taking what exh says seriously. At all. I know it will change like the wind. I am not sad from him cancelling his egg coloring date with baby...I half expected it. What makes it sad is she is 2 now and doesn't have a clue that daddy bailed on her..give her a couple more years and she will. Not sure how I will handle that then when he starts disappointing her. If its within his timeframe of visits there isn't much I can do. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. It will be his own relationship with baby that he is destroying.
Anyway, brunch at my moms was fun. We hid eggs over and over for baby and she loved getting them. Got a few apologizing texts from exh saying his head still hurt and he would try and see her later. We shall see....again not holding my breath.
Ok, gotta hide all of this candy!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
You know Gineen something was posted on your thread that is very true for me as well. I vent here. I put my thoughts out here. Way more than I tell my family or friends.
Exh never saw baby yesterday for Easter. He sent texts all day saying maybe later he will come and see her, but I knew he wouldn't. I actually did speak with him on the phone late afternoon and he was groggy sounding. How sad.
He sent a text today saying "I am so sorry about yesterday. I let you down again and I feel horrible". I didn't say anything. Knowing exh he came back to reality this morning before work and realized he missed another time with his baby because he is too weak to fight his urges. No point in me saying anything to him about it. He knows what needs to be done, and in his own timing he will or he won't get the help he needs. My life is still marching on with or without him in baby's life. Yes, it makes me sad. Watching someone you care about with an addiction is tough. Watching my daughter's father be this way even with her and praying he doesn't disappoint her over and over.
He is sick. He needs help. If I keep my boundaries up with him and not let him close there is nothing to be angry or pissed off about with him anymore. Just sadness for a life that is wasting away. I just need to make sure he doesn't infect baby's life.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Just got home from baby's 2 year checkup. Went well. I was talking to dr. about my weaning and how hard it is...he said at her age and because she still wakes so often its going to be alot tougher to to by myself. He said my husband and I should go on a weekend cruise and leave baby with someone. He said get some alone time with my hubby! I laughed and said yeah right! I haven't left baby for more than 2 hours and I don't have a husband!
I called exh after her appointment and gave him the details. He was in a bad mood for whatever reason. Wasn't mean to me, just I can tell he wasn't happy. Oh well.
Ok, I am off to find some sort of fantasy way to wean this child without too much trauma, tears, and hysteria!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
