Ok.....I'm in control......this is H's weekend......I just picked up the following e-mail:
Since you always do such a great job for the kids on Easter, I was wondering if you'd like to have the kids Saturday night so they could do Easter with you.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Just read your thread in Newcomers about parenting a teen.
I'm going to try and refrain from posting there for a bit.
However, I'll post here.
Do you trust your daughter?
It comes down to that.
If you trust your daughter then you really have your answer. You strove to raise them differnetly than you, and she has been.
As for the whole only sleeping with one person...it is a dying breed and almost unrealistic to believe our children would follow the same norms as us.
You wanted her to come to you first...she has...how are YOU going to repay that trust she has in you. Imgaine how brave she must have been just to tell you?
You seem to have one great kid there D.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Mach - I shared the e-mail here, because it struck me as odd----but then was out the door to take the kids to see my mother. It had been too long. We had a good afternoon and returned in time for them to be on their way to dad's house.
The old me would have answered right away.....said something about how we should still be together, and if he is concerned about the kids missing out----then he needs to reconsider all that he has done and said over the past 2+ years and return to me and our family......
The new me recognizes this as more bait-----being nice on the heels of contact about D this week. The new me sees this as another attempt to make it seem like we can divorce but still act like this is no big deal.
I would like the kids here with me----but I want them here all the time, and that is not our reality. I'm trying now to decide how to respond.....either a quick: Thanks, but I have plans and Sunday evening is fine (when I get them back).......or something of that sort. I would LOVE to say: No - not a big deal----not like they believe in the Easter Bunny anymore----GO SEE YOUR MOTHER. You haven't seen her in 6? 7? 8? months. The kids haven't see her in that long......and she still has their Christmas presents........but, I won't do that.
Thanks Jack. I do agree. She is a great kid. I do trust her, and I know we live in a different world than the one that I grew up in. I'm not so concerned about her only sleeping with one person in her life. I want her to know what an important decision it is to make-----the first time, and at a young age. I am not going to turn around and now tell her it is WRONG, especially after telling her I understand where she is and how she feels----because I do. I am thinking of what to say.......how to say it, because I do feel that I need to say more.....because this is a HUGE step.
As a parent, I don't want to feel like I am giving her permission-----because I can't even be the one to do that. Her body is HER body, and her decision. I just want to her to know how this will change her and how this will change her relationship with her best friend. I need to say something about STD's and a reminder about the pill not being 100% effective.....still trying to figure out how I posted in Newcomers.......and not my normal MLC forum....but I've had some input----some I agree with, some I do not......but that's how it goes.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Another text from H last night telling me that D13 had a scrimmage this morning. I knew about it. I get the same e-mails that he does.....I took her to her practices last week. I made sure she took her gear when she left last night, so no reply needed. Woke up to find another TM asking if I got the note about the scrimmage, and the e-mail about Easter.......Decided to wait, continue to think about my reply. Before I could reply, another TM---did you get my notes and e-mails about scrimmage and Easter......I decided on a text reply: Yes. I know about the scrimmage. I planned to do Easter here Sunday evening.
I'm still in control of ME/my emotions. I have a lot to get done today.....putting off the treadmill at the moment, but am on my way there now.........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Don’t know if I have posted to you before, you are in good hands and there isn’t much to add other than you are making amazing progress.
I too read your thread on newcomers and actually asked myself why it was over there instead of here. LOL
I had a similar experience as you with my own mother, regarding puberty, never mind sex…
So I too have tried very hard to be open with my S about those sorts of things. It is such a different world from the one we grew up in that I honestly feel like we almost have no choice. I know that sort of guidance and support would have been welcomed by me.
It isn’t simple pregnancy any more that we have to worry about. Our children actually face the possibility of losing their life because of something so beautiful and wonderful as sex.
The emotional impact is something that I don’t know if we can teach them. I do think that some lessons can only be learned through actual experience.
It sounds to me that you have already expressed to your D what your moral views are about it, which probably has a ton to do with why she has waited.
She is not telling you that she wants to go do this with every guy out there. She is considering it with someone that she feels that she loves. There is nothing that is wrong about that.
One other thing to consider…is actually how we define childhood now…
My great grandmother was married with 3 (I think) children by the time she was your D’s age. She had 8 in all. That was a century ago.
Because we have been able to medically extend our life span, and we have instituted legal age standards, we have actually extended childhood into a much larger time span than it used to be and what our biology says it should be. So while it seems to us that our children may actually be more ready for things than we would like them to be, considering biology and nature, she is right on track.
Personally, I think you should just keep being as open with her as you can, so that you are able to continue to guide her through this time in her life.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Easter baskets are filled. Eggs are "hidden," and I wait for kids to come home this evening.....I'm trying very hard to not regret my decision to decline H's suggestion that the kids spend last night with me (his weekend). I would have loved to have them here, but I always want them here. I declined because I didn't want him to feel like he was doing me a favor. I didn't want to do one more thing to make it appear that we are just living in separate houses. This is his weekend. This is what divorce will look like. THIS is what he wants----and I can't be his friend now. I can't pretend that this is what I want. It's time to set those boundaries. Boundaries I should have set a long time ago.....but just KNEW if I acted the way he wanted---pretended that we were JUST living in different houses----he would return to me and our family.
I so wish he would have taken the kids to see his mother for Easter. She came for a visit in November, but she does not drive in bad weather so didn't come up here for Christmas. He tried to go get her (once), but had car trouble.....and so she didn't come at all over the holidays. He hasn't seen his mother---the kids haven't seen their grandmother in over 5 months. The weekend was softball/baseball free......it would have been a perfect time, but he knows how she feels about what he is doing and can't face her now.
I got a lot done yesterday. I got the mini-van we live in cleaned out (finally). I picked up limbs around the yard for over an hour. I could have picked up limbs for a lot longer----so many trees damaged by the long, icy winter. I took the gas cans in to town and filled them. Filled the mower......and found that the battery was dead. I had just had it serviced. Why did they not suggest it was time for a battery?? Luckily, I'm not helpless....I put the charger on for about 30 minutes, started it up and mowed. First mow of the season has been done.
As the divorce moves forward, I have many questions about finances. I have no idea how I will end up. How long can I stay in my home?? The work involved with upkeep and maintenance is overwhelming. This was supposed to be OUR home. It was a dream when we moved in. I completed the major remodel WE had planned last year thinking H would return. I've lived here longer than anywhere in my life. It is my kids home. How long can I keep up? Can I afford to stay? So may questions...... Last week H referred to our HOME as "your house" in a text message.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Diana, i'm sorry, tough weekend, though situation....
I think you handled H keeping the kids for Easter very well, I know you miss them...but you did the right thing IMO.
Quote:
I have many questions about finances. I have no idea how I will end up. How long can I stay in my home?? The work involved with upkeep and maintenance is overwhelming. This was supposed to be OUR home. It was a dream when we moved in.
I also have so many questions about the future and so few answers. When I start thinking of "what will be" I get overwhelmed. I play-out all kinds of unpleasant scenarios in my mind. That's not good...I keep telling myself "one day at the time", things will work them selves out, they always do. I'll be OK no matter what. I'm strong I can do this...kind of self pep-talk. I try to switch my thought on to something positive.
I'm having a though weekend as well...it's the Holidays, so many warm memories...so lonely without H. Just me and D... Sorry, don't want to depress you more.
You are doing great taking care of the things your H probably did before...lawn, yard...fixing mower...you are definitely not helpless.
Keep you chin up. It will all work out in the end...there is happiness waiting for us in the future...with or without them
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
