how do i keep my hope alive?

[FindingMyVoice]

i keep asking myself why i want to be married to someone who CONTINUALLY questions his commitment to me and to us. why i want to force this man into counseling or reconciling when he's the one who left to begin with. why i want to be with a man who is TELLING me that he can't see us together for the rest of our lives. is it just comfortable? am i just afraid of the change this will bring? do i really think we could make this work or do i tell myself that because i am so scared of letting him go?

These are really insightful questions you're asking yourself. Have you done any more work around these questions since you wrote them here? Do you journal or meditate? Sometimes the only way I can find answers to the questions I ask myself is to write. I think you access a different level of your thoughts and emotions with a pen in hand. Sorry I'm not that familiar with your sitch yet, but the depth of pain it sounds like there are in those questions just made me wonder.

but i'm having a very very hard time just letting go.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time; allow yourself to feel what you need to feel - you're grieving right now.

but this is a man who has walked away from me 4 times in 5 years.

How has that felt?? If it were me I would have been angry, in addition to the sad. Hang in there TTA.