.....I have boundaries of personal integrity that I am not willing to violate. No I won't do ANYTHING for love. (with apologies to Mr. Loaf)
...being happily married is "A" top priority.
...I *was* going to be in a happy, healthy, stable, child nurturing, sexually fulfilled relationship and that may or may not be with her. I was dead serious and she knew it.
....In these past couple of weeks, things have changed dramatically around the house. We are far less short with each other and our sex life has gone through the roof.
....I make daily lists of things that need to be done to meet her needs and she has opened up sexually in ways that she never has before.
...There are little things that I do around the house that I think serve mostly to validate that I was listening and am willing to do my part.
...She really thought that I would never leave her no matter how badly she treated me. (had said so to me) She had also told her friends that no one would have me and I'd be back in 2 days. I think one of her single friends disabused her of that notion.
...I am GALing. I am enjoying my new marriage. I am working to provide leadership.
...I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut". SpinFree
+1 I think that is a great set of observations and great advice on what it takes to resolve a SSM! I so feel that your comments are right on track from almost everything I have read and experienced.
Quote:
...I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut".
I am reminded of something I saw on a TV show about the 442nd regiment (Nisei-Japanese-American soldiers) during WW2. There was a discussion of what one father told his son who was going off to war. It was to consider himself as dead the moment he left home, as that would give himself the detachment (and clarity of mind) he would need in combat to survive.
I am also reminded of a story about a japanese merchant who happened to be a master of the tea cerimony and was challenged to a duel by a visiting samauri. When he sought the advice of the local martial arts master in his village, the merchant was told to put himself in the same zen-like mental state of detachment as he achieved in a tea ceremony the moment before the dual started. The marial arts master told him if he did that and had a basic skill with his sword, his opponent would not live to see the next day, even if the merchant died in the process. The story ended with the visiting samauri seeing the merchants focus and finding a reason to avoid the duel.
While trying to fix a broken marriage may not be mortal combat, they both may require some shared skills, i.e. levels of dedication and detachment. I know that I have found myself at time saying that I will not get sucked into certain fights with my wife, that I will not get angry now (as it would cause me to loose focus), and that I will not get defensive in some of the discussions with my wife. Most importantly, that I will not try to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do herself.
I sort of feel like one needs to heal oneself and figure out what you want with your own life, then offer your spouse the opportunity and encouragement to join you (or not) without trying to pressure them. If they join you, then the two of you will be in a wonderful place together. .....and that requires as you say a degree of detatchment and acceptance that your partner will choose either to move toward you or (as you are GAL-changing) allow the two of you to move apart.
Well done and congratulations for the courage of your actions, for the insights you have shared.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
