Ok, I just got through 5-6 pages when you first got to piecing.
I'm suprised how similar our situations are. I married at 32. Had TONS of "life" before marrying, married a younger guy--very driven, ambitious, perfectionist. He works a TON. We had a son (who is now 14). I had GAL already down as I was left for HOURS on my own while he worked 14 hour shifts.
9 years into the marriage, I got the ILYNILY speach. My son was 8 at the time. I was SO devastated. My biggest fear has always been being "homeless" (I think it means a fear of abandonment) and having my husband find someone else and start a new family.
I found this site and posted a lot. My husband never left the home, but was out with a buddy I detest all the time. I did like the one poster said--got new sexy clothes, lost the "frumpy housewife" thing, made a TON of changes, found out his LL and mine (and now it's almost a hobby--I know all my friend's LLs.lol)
Was successful at getting him back. But I had to do the OPPOSITE of GAL--I had to stay by his side!! Call him regularly (I never did that) and did Acts of Service (I ask him each day "what can I do for you today dear.lol". Back then it was "nothing", then slowly some small errands, then if he was stressed there were LOTS of things to do each day, and if not, there were less things.
We had some super good years after the first "bomb" one (yes, it took the full 9 months before I felt like we were on the right path--we'd been married 9 years at that point)
A year ago we started a huge remodeling project. His Acts of Service went balistic. And his verbal abuse, which had been a huge problem since 3 months after being married, raised its ugly head again (it got Sooooo much better for the 4 years or so after the bomb).
I never did put up boundaries, and now I'm doing it. Because of this site, I am much more "at peace" with this relationship and where it is going--even if it ends in divorce. I am not afraid of "homelessness", although him starting a new family IS a huge fear right now (the friend I detest dumped his wife and 14 year old daughter and now has 2 babies by the 12 22 year old wife (the guy is 46)My husband wanted more kids, but because of his neglect and being gone all the time, it was hard enough to raise my one son (practically) alone.
I see now so much more than before--and after lot of expensive counseling am learning how to set boundaries.
One thing I always try to remember, is my husband usually remembers NOTHING of what he said to me in anger. I have acted on the things he's said in the heat of the moment and later he is mad I did something hasty! And he "sucks me in" by mentioning a "fear" or starting out reasonable, and then "switching". I have to learn not to let myself get sucked in!!
I know I have a lot of work to do before he will believe me. I have several "scripts" to use when he starts, and then will literally walk out the door. And I face the fact that he just may not want a "stronger woman type". But I can't take it any more--my LL being words, it devastates me.
Since I've been working on this, I find it SO much easier to self-sooth! I come back in a half hour or so, after being out with my dogs, and I great him happily and his mood has usually changed. Sometimes he's having a bit of a sulk, but that's OK! Better than angry!
Another thing I have never done, and just in the past 2 months have started doing, is thanking my husband for working so hard (I totally have resented his work, so that felt like a HUGE lie at first). I do totally appreciate aspects of it--we haven't been affected by the economy at all, have a rental property I would live in if he does decide to leave, etc. It was so weird to say it at first, but like other "habits", it's getting easier and easier.
